The People Person With No people

I am experiencing  a renewed zest for life, a passion for being around people and wanting to go out and do things again, Be around people who want to enjoy my company and want to be with Garry, not the man who has/had depression but the man who wants to laugh and joke, be the centre of attention again.

Only problem is there is no one around, besides the amazing Maria who checks up on me and comes to see me, Sarah who rings me to make sure I am okay, Mell who popped over to see me last weekend and Paul who invited me out for a drink, and not forgetting my mum who is keeping me busy in her garden.

I don’t want to keep being a pen pal I want to get out in the open, drinking, socialising and meeting people.

The depression is not my problem anymore, it’s being lonely that is…

 

 

So lets finally get something out in open….

Last Saturday I attempted an overdose. A combination of factors contributed to this BUT it was nothing to do with my depression, the truth is that I was supposed to be meeting a group of friends from my old Mafia Wars group on Facebook on the Saturday but when I woke up my benefits hadn’t been paid which meant I couldn’t go. The heat over the past few weeks, especially in my greenhouse of a flat, made me over tired due to lack of sleep and this disappointment of letting people down, and not being able to see them, made me do something silly. Instant remorse and hands down throat to make myself sick followed before I was taken to hospital by ambulance and given the all clear. Mentally I am 1005 fine please be reassured that this is something that will never happen again and was more down to feeling lonely and disappointed than anything else!

 

I love being around people, not sitting around typing onto twitter and Facebook but to be able to talk to someone, seems to be a lost art these days with social media and 140 character limits on twitter. I have lots of “virtual” friends, people who showed massive concern last Saturday in particular and I love the support I receive BUT it’s meeting face to face, hearing someones voice, the phone ringing and it not being a debt collector on the other end of the call that matters to me.

Especially YOU! No names mentioned…

I do head out to the local pub but standing there on your own is not great, even if you’re someone like me who will talk to anyone. Truth be told I always come home feeling worse for going out by myself.

Depression is no longer my biggest battle, it is conquering the loneliness that is all consuming…

 

And thus the depressed moose should be renamed the the lonely moose!

One of the downsides of having a child early in your life is that your friends are quick to walk away from you, but I would change nothing! I love my kids to bits Brandon is a good son and we are good friends too, our relationship goes from strength to strength but I can’t take him out for a drink for many years yet!

All I crave is someone to go out of their way for me, pop round and talk, take me out for a bit of fun instead of waiting for a message to come through on the pc!

If she happens to be a rich old girl, with no one to leave her fortune to so be it 😀

The Recurring Dream

I dreamed of you again last night,

And the magic from the first time we met.

Walking hand in hand at midnight,

In the rain, it didn’t matter that we got wet.

 

Sitting in the field as the sun went down,

Watching the moon and stars,

Talking and laughing for hours

Lost in the precious time of ours.

 

We laughed and cried as we shared our past,

enchanted by each others stories.

We didn’t dwell on the pain too much,

And emphasized all our glories.

 

The rain came and went, and back came the heat,

As the grass soaked out feet,

But still we sit there alone with each other

Two lost souls destined to meet.

 

As the sun began to rise again,

And the birds song their morning song,

We realised how much time had been spent outside

And soon you would be gone.

 

The perfect way to spend a night,

with great company by my side.

No pressure, no technology, no phones

Just me and you at one with nature, it fills me up with pride.

 

And just like that you have to go,

a farewell with a gentle, tender kiss

And in my heart I truly know,

It will never ever be like this.

 

As quick as you’re gone,

I’m wide awake, alone in my double bed.

It felt so real, so natural, so perfect

But alas it was all in my head.

 

Another day spent all alone,

waiting for the recurring dream.

And when it comes it will be as good as before

Things can be as wonderful as they seem.

 

A dinner date, night out at the pub,

I wonder what will happen tonight,

As long as it’s the two of us.

I know it will be a perfect night.

 

The alarm will go again at seven,

Taking you away again out of the blue,

It’s not very often I remember my dreams.

I pray these ones come true!

 

©thedepressedmoose 2013

 

You Don’t Have To Worry

Every now and again words come to me, a poem might form in my head and I have to get it out and share it. My Facebook wall is home to examples of things like this that may well give people cause for concern so let me reassure you all.

It is the curse of the creative person that it has to come out when it’s there!

Look upon it as me blowing off steam and getting things outside, it has always been the way since day 1 of this blog that I write to stop things becoming internal and eating away at me.

The time to worry about me is when there is nothing being posted, or being said.

Mentally I am great,emotionally not so much, but that is to be expected. Believe me I know the difference between depressed and sad and it is sadness that weighs me down from time to time.

I will wobble now and again we all know that but it doesn’t mean that I am going to do anything drastic even if that’s what I suggest. Sorry if it scared you the other day, but look at it from the point of view that he had a wobble and rode the storm until it passed. If I am posting it on Facebook or Twitter there is nothing to fear from me.

Only when I am silent is it time to panic, and as I don’t understand the concept of shutting up you will not have to worry 😀

 

The Calm Before The Inevitable Storm

So many things in my head that I need to get out but just cannot!

So many feelings and emotions that I do not want to be experiencing again.

As long as I say I’m fine that’s all everyone wants to hear but the reality is much different yet I can’t talk about it because there is no-one here to force me to let it all out and stop holding it back.

I don’t wanna hear it will be okay in the end, that it takes time. Time is not something I work well with.

All I can do is keep pretending to myself and the world that I am doing great, that I am not broken and falling apart because I keep being told how strong I am, and how proud of me people are.

I have precious time with my daughter which is the calm before the breakdown that follows every time she leaves me again. You know how hard it is when she tells me she is sad because mummy and daddy don’t live together, when she asks me why her friends mummy and daddy love each other. When we play with candles and she blows them out with the wish that “mummy would could back home with daddy and lilybet”

How much that each time she says that my heart breaks even more and the tears fill my eyes yet I cannot let them out because she doesn’t need to see her daddy crying. Every time she walks out the door to go back to her nans it destroys me, I wish I could have her here full time. Being a part time dad is not for me, I want to experience her first day at school, to walk her through the gates and be there at the end of each day for her.

So many more words to be said but no space to say them because I am not able to deal with the emotional fall out that will follow.

The heat certainly doesn’t help as my flat is like a sauna, I don’t care if you like the sun and can lay in it for hours on end give me the rain anytime!

I am struggling to sleep again which is not a good thing! for the first time in months my IBS has flared up again. Walk away from me, run even, it wont be the first time nor will it be the last. It is something I come to expect from people.

Leave me to face it all on my own…

I am worn out. drained and have very little left in the tank to give. A breakdown is coming the question is when and how hard it will hit!

 

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Death of The Depressed Moose

I gave it everything,

I fought my best,

Now I close my eyes

For the eternal rest.

 

No sad songs, no mourners,

Nothing good to remember,

No graveside to visit

From January to December.

 

As my body slowly hits the floor,

Know that I really couldn’t have given more.

And when they find me alone in my peaceful final sleep,

Let the angels take me away and my soul they keep.

 

As the curtain closes and Abide With Me plays

Remember the laughter and carefree days.

Drinking, dancing out having fun,

Raise a Jack Daniels for me, have more than one.

 

Scatter my ashes, let the wind take me away,

On an everlasting journey when I can always stay.

Do not look back and think of what went wrong

Garry is still here but the depressed moose has gone.

 

No grieving, no mourning, no feelings of regret

Life as moose was really as good as it could get.

No flowers, no crying I don’t want your tears

Let me go alone on this journey without holding on to your fears.

 

No more pain and hurt, no more suffering

No more dreaming of what might have been.

The moose has left the building to a final high five

Dont worry about Garry he is well and alive!

 

Laughing and joking, a smile back on his face

Enjoying life, getting out all over the place.

The new chapter beginning, the start of a new race.

Garry taking on the world – WATCH THIS SPACE!

Making the Moose Out of Life

Dodgy pun aside the past few days have been wonderful as Lilybet has been staying with me since Wednesday evening and life is great. Having Brandon and Elizabeth with me really does a wonderful job of filling the void and I have loved every second of them both being here.

Brandon has been amazing the past few weeks, at 13 he has really shown a great deal of maturity in a difficult situation for the both of us, and assuming I can manage the finances I am treating him to a holiday next month as we have never had one together, donations are welcome LOL

Lilybet and I have been working on Operation Decoration and have a great time decorating the front room of the flat into a nice bright colour from the darker one previously, the front room looks bright and welcoming again to reflect my new state of mind and despite half the carpet now being a different colour the place is looking great! I have been impressed with  myself in terms of becoming domoosticated (domesticated) and keeping the flat clean and tidy.

 

I even managed to put her hair into ponytail LOL

 

Besides a little wobble on Saturday evening I am still maintaining my good mental health and have even started the decrease in medication this week without any problems! Wobbles are allowed, and I wont be too harsh on myself when they come because my wobbles these days last hours as opposed to days/weeks!

For an ugly bloke I have great looking kids 😀

Its amoosing (amusing) to me how I could be so content with my kids around me when my world is upside down currently but they give me the strength to continue this path to recovery safe in the knowledge that “I love you Dad” is never far away, and what man doesn’t want to be told that!!

The good thing about having Lily for a few days is that it allows Sheryl time for a complete break as well and I hope she has had a good time, because I have had an amazing time and have been practicing my “crazy faces” with Lilybet as seen below, you all know by now I have no shame when it comes to photos but lately I couldn’t care less what anyone thinks because the man I see in the mirror now is someone I love and like after a long battle!

“crazy faces”

 

I have no idea whats around the corner right now, but frankly I don’t care because I can handle it all as long as my children love me.

Life is great and I love it!

All I Want..

I’m not a great poet

or even a great writer

but when it comes to our love

I’m an unbeatable fighter

 

All I want is to heal your pain

help you discover your smile again

With my strength and desire

I’d walk through walls and into a fire.

 

Your hurting and suffering

I wish I could do more

Be the man you can turn to

to keep the wolves from the door.

 

With my arms wrapped tightly around you,

in my powerful embrace

Ready to wipe away any tears

That trickle slowly down your face.

 

I’ve cried all my tears,

faced up to my fears.

Now it’s all about helping you

and how my love can get you through.

 

Friendship and love that this never dies,

I know that from when I looked into your eyes.

Your scared, hurting and afraid

I want to rescue you and come to your aid.

 

Together we faced and beat a lot more

standing strong alongside each other.

Your my best friend, my soul mate

There will never be another!

 

Let me heal you, or at least let you see

The massive changes that have happened to me,

you had my back for so long, protected me

Now I am here to return the favour, happily!

 

Just one little chat, when the time is right,

I will be waiting all day and all night.

Just say the words and I will be here

even to listen to things I dont want to hear.

 

Let me see in your eyes, that the love has gone.

I dont believe it has or will, but I could be wrong.

take all the time you need, I’m going nowhere

name a time and place I will be there!

 

To hold your hands and cradle your face

The thought of this is my biggest wish

Have faith in my recovery let me show you,

Im back to the man you thought was a “dish”

 

Until that day here alone I pray,

that your pain and suffering soon goes away.

And that you remember how good things had been

And back you come to fulfill my dream

 

@Thedepressedmoose2013

No Job For Garry

In the past 10 days or so I have been actively looking for a job via the internet, walking round the area and other means and after 200 job applications so far I am yet to hear from a single company!

I have tried pretty much every industry don’t care what the job is as long as it allows me to support my family.

What happened to the days when you could walk into a company and charm the manager into giving you a chance?

The internet is a great thing but boy does it make job hunting hard with hundreds of people going for one job!

how can you resist this face?

 

I have worked in retail, sales and been a teaching assistant in a school, as well as a provident agent but the less said about that the better!

I make a great cup of tea and can talk the hind legs of a donkey if it means a potential sale or simply networking opportunities. Not to mention how much my great sense of humour can liven up the office and Christmas parties without the moose dad dancing is something no company should be missing out on!

So my friends, I need a job! preferably close to Woodford so I can still be home for Brandon after school – 10am to 3pm would be perfect but I am prepared to drag my ass out the flat for a full time job as well!

I don’t care what it is as long as it pays more than benefits and allows me to pay the bills, feed and buy clothes for the kids and still have something left over to paint the town red now and again!

If any TV executives are out there I would make a great presenter! or can even try my hand at acting for the right role 😀

Come on folks help find the moose a job or at the very least an interview where I can do the rest……

Moose meets Celebrities and Talks Medication

Yesterday I attended the Sapphire Stigma Summit where he was pleased to be able to listen to talks about stigma, discrimination and other aspects of mental health.

Along the speakers were Frank Bruno and Clarke Carlisle. I have a lot of time for Clarke as he is a professional footballer but is also speaking out about depression in football, something that people have little sympathy for due to the wages that the players earn and how out of touch with the real world some of them appear to be. Of course depression couldn’t care less about your colour, gender, income and any other aspects of your lifestyle but I do often see a lack of sympathy for the rich and famous because of their money, that they are somehow immune to mental health illnesses.

I introduced myself to both gentlemen and as Clarke is someone I have tweeted occasionally I was gobsmacked that he knew who the depressedmoose was let alone that he actually reads my blog (I told you I was famoose didn’t I!)

“know what I mean..Garry”

During my little chat with Clarke Carlisle I told him that I was preparing to come off my medication and he was concerned about the timing, as I know a few people are as well so please let me explain the reasoning behind my decision so you don’t have to worry.

The fact is I no longer feel depressed! I wake up each morning at 7 looking forward to the day and what it may bring, knowing that I will be heading out to the gym or even just going out for a walk because I want to get out and about. I am no longer the hermit I had become always wanting to be close to home and my bed!

I have started doing things again that I hadn’t done in years – I want to go out socialising and meeting new people, reconnecting with friends again and even searching for work again!

I have NEVER felt this strong mentally despite the emotional upheaval of the past month or so and I know that I will never allow myself to fall into the clutches of the black dog again. In fact the last time it came near me I growled back and it soon went running.

I have been to hell and back the last 3 years especially and have survived through all the dark times and emerged a better person on the other side, fitter and stronger both physically and mentally and the time is right now for me to continue this journey medication free safe in the knowledge that things will never be that bad again.

Stubbornness can be a nightmare at times but not when it comes to me and my mental health! I survived 4 years of depression without meds before finally seeking help and can do so again believe me.

My days are now spent proactively and productively not wallowing waiting for sleep to take over me again. I have settled down into a good sleeping routine so no longer am I too tired to fight off the thoughts and fears that depression can bring. I have more energy and motivation these days in small part due to my wonderful kids especially Brandon. our relationship has been amazing again through all thats been going on and they need the strong Garry to remain to show them that no matter how hard life can be you never give up fighting.

I am all too aware of the battle ahead and that there may be times when I feel depressed again in the future, it is like giving up drinking sometimes you can fall of the wagon, but with this new attitude towards life and strength there is nothing I can’t face head on now and defeat.

What I have been going through recently is a mixture of different emotions and feelings that are natural to my current situation and not depressive reactions like feelings of failure and suicide and when I do get a bad spell these last hours rather than days! I just simply dust myself off and start again.

So please don’t worry about the moose instead worry about the rest of the world as I make up for lost time and attack the future all guns blazing!