I’m back in London, have been for a month now but worse than that is that I’m back at rock bottom again.
The relationship I thought would be the happy ever after I crave has ended and yet again I’m not good enough to be someone that people want to fight for. As so often I’m disposable and easily forgotten.
So here I am jobless with £11 to my name and seriously unlikely to find a job until after the new year. I am claiming universal credits but thats a monthly benefit which is worked out over a 4 week period..what this means is that because I received the last of my weekly pay from my last job within those 4 weeks I will be entitled to absolutely nothing until the 21st January.. for those people who think people on benefits have it easy let that sink in. I’m lucky to have a roof over my head at my mums but I need to contribute as we are using around £70 a week in gas and electric as we are on a key meter.
I’m feeling very sorry for myself, I’m broken and withdrawing from everyone again. I’m tired of being the only one to reach out to people, seems if I don’t message people first no one wants to see how I am. Besides 2 people who stay in touch..
I cant see any hope right now. I just don’t have any strength left to get through Christmas, in a place I don’t want to be and a hopeless situation..
I need a job desperately, I need a miracle.. I need something positive and yet all I can see is more shit in the future
Merry fucking Christmas indeed..
If anyone can help and I hate having to ask but to say I’m desperate is an understatement please do not judge me too harshly. I have a donate button on my website or you can follow this link https://www.paypal.me/garry1978
It seems strange that I’m back here after 2 long years, 2 years that have seen a lot of changes in the world and in the my life. I met someone who I thought would be the one, the happiness was magnificent for the longest time and I moved from London to the North East to start a new life in July last year.
As always in my life things haven’t gone to plan and now here I am starting over again with a broken heart, no friends in 300 miles and in the worst state mentally than I have been in years. In the space of a few weeks I lost my partner, which meant I had to move out of her house so I lost a home and then lost my job too. Thankfully I managed to find somewhere to live but it’s not mine, not a home and frankly I feel like I have nowhere that I can call a safe place.
Originally I was renting the house by myself but unfortunately the landlady has had to move back into the place so while I had made the place start to feel like home its now a room in a house. I am, however, thankful that she is allowing me to stay but for how long I do not know. The lack of security is really affecting my mental health and I’ve been in a terrible way.
Relationships end thats a part of life but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. On top of the grieving for the end of that and the feeling of being so alone it has been the worst period of my life since the overdose episode almost 9 years ago.
I have started a new job this past few days so hopefully things will start looking up but it feels like one step forward and 7 back. I miss my friends and family but I love it up here and want to make a life for myself. It’s just hard with no money, friends or family but I guess it could be worse couldn’t it? And so I’m starting over AGAIN and hopefully in a few months might be in a position to rent somewhere having saved a deposit up.. surely there’s light somewhere at the end of this tunnel?
I have heard from a couple of people recently who have said that their mental health has been getting worse during this lockdown period.
I wanted to direct you to this page which has a version of the PHQ 9 test for you to use.
Remember its OK to not be OK and if you find you’re answers to the test are high please speak to someone, your doctor is a great starting point but obviously in these strange times that may not be easily done,a loved one or if you need a chat find me via my Facebook page and drop me a line.
Is there a more soothing, comforting sound than that of a cat purring on your lap? It is just a wonderful noise and helps me unwind immensely.
We have 6 cats at home, but only one of them is what I would my cat. My little mate Blackie. He is an annoying face snuggler when you’re trying to sleep, has no respect for personal space and wakes me up by sneezing in my face more often than I would like but he is a very welcome addition to my world.
Every time I step outside in the front garden for a cigarette he comes with me and sits by my feet, follows me up and down the path and is like a little cute purring shadow. He is also pretty vocal so we can have a nice chat at times. Erm…so yeah, maybe the lockdown has turned me into a crazy cat man. Note to self stop referring to yourself as his daddy…
He also seems to know when I’m feeling a little bit down and ramps up the affection. Sitting and stroking him is a great tool against depression, just so relaxing.
Is lockdown over? Are we free again to go about as the glorious pre lockdown days? Guessing I missed that one on the news because its seems that since Bojo announced we were past the peak people have taken that to mean do whatever the fuck we want.
I’m seeing more and more people out, groups of people that I know are not from the same households walking along the street together, not even the 2 meters apart that is recommended.
I stood out in the front garden and had a smoke, in the 10 minutes I was outside I counted 58 people walking past. Ok I live opposite a park but that is more than normal. When i went to Tesco to get shopping the other day I sat in traffic!
What is going on with people? I get it, we are getting fed up with staying at home but there is a reason for this!
One thing that has been shown by people is how selfish they are. Its not about if you have this killer its about who could get it from you! Stay the fuck at home.
The opening of a fast food drive through is not an essential journey! Police are having to issue fines because people are driving for hours just to get a burger.
Seems common sense has gone in these selfish people. Yet these same people will happily clap for the NHS and key workers but are happily putting them in danger because they wont listen to the rules…..
But hey, long as you can walk down the road pissed/high with your mates it’s all worth it….
Two weeks ago I found saw an ad on Facebook for a free level 2 distance learning course, I’ve never really been a great learner, I have no self discipline when it comes to things like this. Too easily distracted by that singing chocolate bar trying to get my attention, or the dancing bag of crisps calling me….but I took the plunge and signed up for a course on counselling skills, as its something I could actually see myself doing as a career.
Today I have actually started the course! For the first time since 1995 I am studying and to say I’m nervous and apprehensive is an understatement. My first assignment is due in 10 days! Doesnt leave me much time to get to grips with a new subject and after 3 hours of reading through parts of the workbook my brain is ready to explode with the information overload.
What tips would you give?
Should I set aside x amount of hours to the course each day?
Is it an idea to make notes as I’m reading, the book is only available online so I dont have a physical copy I can take and read without taking my laptop with me around the house.
The walls are closing in, days morphing into each other and its becoming increasingly frustrating living in lockdown. Especially when I constantly see people ignoring the rules but obviously they wont catch anything or pass it on to others…
The thing is, its perfectly ok to do absolutely nothing if that’s what you need to do to get through the day. Is there an expectation that you put on yourself to be super productive with this extra time on your hands?
I’ll be honest most days I dont even bother getting dressed, as the neighbours who are forever seeing me in the front garden having a cigarette in my superman dressing gown with tell you ( I told you I was a catch). I haven’t been out for a walk in 5 days as I’m having a fibromyalgia flare up of pain so intense that it’s like being stabbed with 1000 knives each time I move.
If you start beating yourself up for not being productive it can be the start of a slippery slope. Yes there are things that could be done but if you feel that the right thing to do that day is nothing, then do nothing.
At least that’s what I am telling myself having slept the weekend away….
Well its fair to say the writers block has been lifted after 9 months! The longest writing streak since 2014 and its been great to see people reading my words again.
There has been 12 posts since 23rd April and I’ve noticed that most get read on the day but once new content arrives its quickly consigned to history. So with that in mind I thought I would put links to all the recent posts here.
There is a little bit of everything from poetry in my own unique awful style, to trying to be positive with reasons to be cheerful. I have even been lucky enough to have people take the time to write posts for me to share about how coronavirus is impacting them.
Below are the links for each new post. Check them out, pearls of wisdom in each one..well hopefully that is the case but if you dont read them you will never know….
While planning the lads (old gits) holiday I happened to have a look on trip advisor for things to do in Tenerife, and Loro Parque was quickly the place to go.
Voted best zoo in Europe no less…
It was around a 20 minute walk from our hotel so we headed off to the zoo to explore it. The entry price was pretty reasonable 38 euros, at the time I thought it was high but there is so much to see and do we ended up going back again…they also do a reduced entry ticket you can buy to come back another day. Neither Karl or I can remember how cheap it was but know this, if he pays then it’s a bargain. I live in London and the price for the zoo here in terms of what you see, value for money etc is on a different level.
Let’s not use this post as a platform for debating the captivity of the animals though, whether you agree or not it was incredible being so close to amazing beasts.
The Orca shows were amazing, worth the entrance fee alone in my opinion
The dolphin shows were disappointing in comparison. Maybe see the dolphins first…. We saw one animal do an exact replica of one of my beach poses…Yes that’s a gorilla, not,I repeat, not me on the beach
The penguin area was amazing, you stand on a moving pathway, around the enclosure and see loads of the buggers. Here are some other photos of the 2 days spent at Loro Parque.. if anyone from the Parque sees this post yes we would love free tickets, airfare and accommodation to come back..
No zoom used, they were really that close
Again, not me on the beach
How cool is this jellyfish?
If you go to Tenerife. Make sure you visit this place it will be well worth it. Want to Loro Parque and whilst I didnt get the t-shirt….