Changing Moose

The past month has been hedonistic to say the least. Even Charlie Sheen called me and asked me to slow down. Its not healthy for me mentally and actually its just making things worse, fun as it has been.

When your friend feels the need to have a quiet word and you can sense the worried tone in his voice its time to wake up again and get head out of the sand and face reality.

So let’s call the last month my “Goodbye 30s blow out month” and never speak of it again….

As the saying goes “What happens in your Goodbye 30s blowout month stays in your Goodbye 30s blowout month”…..

Im affected by memories and anniversary dates and finally figured out why I’ve been off the rails so much lately and thanks to Karl’s well chosen words and support its time to move onwards and upwards.

As my old friend weegee would say “keep on keeping on”

There are just over 2 months before my 40th birthday and I need to find a new outlet. Random sex with strangers is not helping matters and I’ve run out of “I slept with the Depressed Moose” t-shirts to hand out so i need something more rewarding and challenging.

With that in mind I have signed up for a 6 weeks fitness and nutritional boot camp to get my arse into gear and hopefully be able to use the endophines to improve my mental health. Weight loss is the aim as well as getting fitter because the way I see myself now is getting me down. Even if its more in my head than how others see me I would like to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see rather than be embarrassed. Hell maybe even look down and see my toes again…

Its going to be a real challenge, I have to try changing my whole diet, my eating habits and lifestyle and truth be told I’m a lazy bastard who really doesnt think I’m worth the effort….

I had my weigh in today no getting out of it now so here are my facts as I start tomorrow

• Weight 225lbs
• Stomach measurement 43 inches
• Chest measurement 42 inches
• Hips measurement 43 inches

The target weight loss in 6 weeks is 20lbs which should be achievable but im aiming to at least be under 200lbs by the time this is up.

3 exercise classes a week and better food choices should make it easier.

I’m both excited and anxious. The last time I really exercised properly was 5 years ago training for the Bupa 10k run I did.

I need something and I just hope this is what I need….

Wish me luck and if you see me in Epping anywhere near a burger slap it out my hands quick!!

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An Insight into my head right now

No editing, No deleting just free writing letting out the contradictions and emotions….

Impulsive, reckless and not reading the signs

What consequences? It’s my life and my journey

Its about living in the present not the past or the future

One decision making a seismic change to your attitude in general

See me? I’m changing for nobody. I am who I am and what I am

I smoke too much i weigh too much i swear too much and I fuck too much but…it’s on me to change the things I want changing

Your opinions are valid to you unless i ask for them I will dance to beat of my own drum

If I want you in my life in loyal to the end. Karl Amy Ant Mary Maria Ali Debbie and my brother (and his family) no matter what im there if you need it no questions asked. We bury the evidence and never speak of it again.

I’m not broken im just never going to be the same. Improved? That’s up for debate but never again the person I once was

Missing, loving,wanting, hating, angry, disappointed

Growing, adapting, recovering, changing

“If I told her that I loved you

You’d maybe think there’s something wrong
I’m not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one

But those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost” (shape of heart-sting)

“Are you lost
In your lies?
Do you tell yourself “I don’t realize”?

Your crusade’s a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives

I’m aware of what you’ve done

No, no more sorrow
I’ve paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced

I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abused power with greed
I had hope
I believed
But I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived

You will pay for what you’ve done (no more sorrow- linkin park)

Changes are coming, for better or for worse. I fight I struggle I smile I keep going

Defeated momentarily yet one step ahead

Those who know me see the signs, they know when to reach out.

I’m here for those who need me, yet not there for myself

And yet…..maybe just maybe….The shoots of recovery are leading me back to a version of myself I liked, flirty, fun, inappropriate, the life and soul and when the day comes i can once again look in the mirror and be happy with what i see…. I will thank you and show my gratitude in ways you didnt expect

My friends, my family, my kids never stopped believing in me, time i realised why.

Im a winner, my time is coming and I need to make sure im ready.

I’m not ready how can i be when i dont even know what i want

I wasn’t going to post this. It’s random jumbled up letters and words forming sentences in a way thats confusing for me let alone you…..

But it clears space in my head for the pieces to fall into place..eventually.

And just like that…The black dog barks a little less viciously..

About the Moose

As I have more new followers I thought maybe it would be good to tell you more about me. Even as a reintroduction to my old followers and update you on the man behind the moose.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with “high intensity depression” this set me on the path of blogging as I wanted to share my story to help others (men in particular, who are not as open about mental health).

I live in East London, England and manage a post office in Essex.

I’m 39 years old and in November will turn 40, frankly I will be glad to see the back of my 30s as for the most part they have been fucking awful.

I have two wonderful kids Brandon is 18 now and just got into Brunel university, lilybet is 9 and is just a sweetheart.

Since I started this journey i have been married, divorced, engaged and now I’m single and rebuilding. My hearts fragile and stupid but its part of my charm that I love too much and too easily (maybe?)

I have a wonderful group of friends, Karl Amy, Debbie, Mary, Antonella and Ali who no matter what have always been there for me. As well as many others who I can count on when needed and for these people im very fortunate to have in my life. Even if I drive them mad by not listening at times.

Despite suffering from depression, homeless periods and low self esteem I have managed to be a person who I hope people know they can come to for help, advice, a place to vent and general amoosement (amusement! See what I did there)

I smoke too much, I eat too much, I weigh too much and have more chins than I would like….

I love people, being around others. I feed off other peoples company and like being the centre of attention.

Im determined to make this blog as successful as it was in its prime 5 years ago. I like sharing my stories with people. I chose not to be anonymous (anonymoose) when I started so that people could put a face to the blogs and as a result have made many new friends from all over the world.

I have 3 books on Amazon. Available in paperback and kindle formats. These are the proudest achievements of my life besides my awesome kids. I’ve sold about 1000 books!! Mainly to myself but still..

I’m a survivor. I’ve been at rock bottom attempted an overdose and come through it. If i can…you can

Im happy. Genuinely happy. Despite the shit I’ve been through i have reached a point in my life where I enjoy my own company and have everything I need right now.

I also run a successful escort service where im available for hours nights weeks and long haul cruises and holidays….. I mean this may not be true but putting it out there just in case there is a market for it

Oh and I happen to think im very funny. My colleagues at work may be sick of hearing the same jokes multiple times a day but i still giggle like a child everytime.

So there you have it. An update on Garry Aka Moose. 39 single and remembering all the good I offer, whilst ignoring the bad…

Sharkmoose

Coming to a cinema near you soon….. ok maybe not but when you take your daughter on a day trip to London Zoo dont tell her that she is in charge and we can do whatever she wants….

This is the result

Had a wonderful day out with my princess today. Although the weather was against us and the last bastard lions and tigers were asleep its about making memories with her.

I’m in a great place, the holiday has changed me and I’m determined to live my life in the present not worrying about the past or the future.

London is a great city and as Londoners we tend to forget the amazing places we have on our doorstep. I used to love just jumping on the central line and heading around the city aimlessly and today was first time in about 2 years I’ve been up there.

The Zoo itself is a good day out if a little expensive but then what attraction in London isnt? Exercise, day out with daughter, sleeping bit cats… What more do i need. Even the double takes and looks of amusement on people’s faces as they saw me walking towards them only made it better.

I intend to take her up there more often show her the palace, museums etc although without the face paint preferably. However Lilybet gets what she wants if it makes the day better for her. Even better if i do it now i dont have to pay for her on the underground 😃

Oh and the paint finally came off after a lot of scrubbing lol

The Evolution of Garry

Over a week since my holiday ended and I’m pleased to say there are no holiday blues, No signs of the normal crash that follows a happy period of my life, just moving on to the next part…. the dreaded 40th birthday that is coming in November.

I read a lot of blogs currently, although there certainly doesn’t seem to be as many as when this blog was in its heyday and as I read them it makes me realise just how much I have evolved over the years and how lucky I am that I learned to spot my triggers and warning signs.

The thing with depression is that if you’re not aware, not on guard and able to spot the patterns of behaviour it will creep up and take hold of you. A few weeks ago I went to my GP and got some antidepressants. I haven’t taken any. I haven’t needed to if truth be told but just unloading to someone impartial and getting it off my chest properly helped.

Of course the holiday played a huge part too. Doing something I’ve never done before and putting myself into a position where I could’ve been vulnerable and coming through it in a better than ever frame of mind showed me the strength I have. So much so that I have already booked my return trip to Cala Millor in June/July next year.

So here is my point…

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

I’ve had to evolve, take myself out my comfort zone and challenge myself. Change my routine because it wasn’t working for me.

Reading other peoples blogs I can see how they are in the same rut I was 5 years ago because the patterns are the same. It’s not just about mental heath but life in general, things wont just happen unless you do something to make it happen.

And if I can…… So can you!!

If I can put myself through the torture of match.com and tinder again, knowing how unlikely it is people will be interested in me, whats stopping you from making tweaks in your life to make it better.

Put yourself out there and good things will happen eventually.

I’m evolving and reconnecting with myself at the same time. I used to hate being alone all the time, now i enjoy my own company. I’m not afraid of being single and the dating world again. Rejection is part of life and so is getting hurt. It wont prevent me from putting myself out there because as my good mate Karl says “Garry is a bit of a romantic” and he is right. I do want my happy ever after, my last first kiss and all that soppy shit and one day I will find it… if she would get her arse into gear and hurry up that would be nice 😃

In the mean time I’m happy finding Garry again and doing things for me. My writing love has returned and I’m reaching out to more and more people.

Life is good right now and it’s because of me working at making it good. The rewards were worth the effort.

If you’re struggling remember Im always available via my facebook page. I never turn down anyone who reaches out to me.

Back to Reality

And so tomorrow I officially go back to work. I say officially as I popped in today to put out some fires before the real fun begins in the morning.

The people I work with are great, they really do look after me, have listened to my shit without judgement and offer me advice and support. They have been awesome over the 2 years I have been there and kept me going. I’m lucky to have them as colleagues and friends and, as they have just discovered, they are lucky to have me as the manager. Despite the bad jokes, demands for tea and piss taking I’m pretty sure they would say they enjoy working alongside me.

It’s only been one day since I returned and despite feeling knackered I can sense a different attitude and perspective from within. The few friends who know me best will no doubt be worrying about an inevitable crash when i got home but so far so good. I’m still buzzing from my holiday and, strangely, excited about going back to work. It means I get to tell loads of people about my amazing holiday, so apologies in advance for anyone queuing lol.

I turn 40 at the end of November so now I’m looking for ways to celebrate it. Another week away perhaps depending on prices and being able to save up enough.

Maybe the Moose Escorting agency will get some bookings. That’s right folks spend an evening or night with the Moose, extras can be negotiated, free rash with every purchase….

I have been overwhelmed by the comments and feedback over the last week. It’s been an absolute pleasure share my holiday with you and reminding myself that I have a decent followers of people who for some reason find me interesting, “inspirational”, and worthy of time taken to read my stuff. Thank you all so much.

I’m off to discover the joys of online dating sites where my personality doesnt show in photos but my chins do….

Back to reality indeed, but a new improved, brighter reality.

It sure is!!

A vlog for you

Warning: contains strong language

Wanted to express myself with a vlog for a change. Hope you enjoy. A new determined focused Moose.

Last full day

Today is the last day of my holiday of a lifetime. It has been the best experience of my life.

I’m ready to go home now and get back to reality and improving myself when I return. I feel reinvigorated rejuvenated and refreshed and have really made the most of my time away.

It’s been amazing not having to worry about the other shit thats gone on and can actually feel like im in control of my destiny.

Changes will be made in terms of my attitude towards people and events and im no longer going to put myself in situations that do not ultimately benefit or enhance my life. People who hurt me will no longer get a second chance. I’m not so desperate for love that I will accept anything.

I’m going to look into courses to improve myself. Definately going to look into learning Spanish as i will be returning to Cape Millor again. The place is stunning.

I’m ready for the next chapter of my life. The last chapter has been ripped out and consigned to the past forever. No more looking back. My head is great my strength is back and im now focused on me again.

I’ve set records for steps taken, I’ve been out exploring daily not just sat around the pool and I’ve loved every single second of it.

I have also proved to myself that I can cope on my own and that’s huge to finally acknowledge that. Now i can choose to be with someone because i want to not cos i feel i have to be with someone.

Enhance my life and improve it or its “adios”

This time tomorrow i will be sitting in the airport waiting for my flight but moose will forever more hold Cala Millor in his heart

Life-changing

Truth is I was worried about going abroad on my own. As much as I like my company I much prefer being around others and if you hadnt noticed this about me- being the centre of attention.

This holiday is life changing for me. I can genuinely say there has not been a time in my life when I have felt so relaxed and chilled out.

No one to tell me where to go, what to do or lie to me lol its heaven and I’m certainly going to travel more often on the back of this!

Do I wish I had a special someone here to enjoy this with? Of course but I’m making the most of my life being what it is right now and making memories for me. Who knows whats around the corner. I’m ready to meet someone again and when the times right she will make herself known, until then its my time for making Garry better, and making me a priority.

I’m loving my life right now, loving Majorca and happy!!

Depression and negativity was left at the airport and I won’t be picking that particular baggage up on my return. Instead im gonna work hard and save for my next holiday..

If you’re on facebook head over to my page where im posting live videos and photos. Not even sorry for the amount…

click here to like the page, share it comment and enjoy!

Here are some photos for you. Excuse the fat bloke in the pictures, thats me 😭

And yes, any single ladies out there will be pleased to know im available….

el alce en España

El Alce is Spanish for the moose…

I’ve arrived and it was emotional. It was like a wave came over me. Relief pride excitement. You see this holiday has now become the last event in my life. Not a break up, not a breakdown but a holiday.

I felt alive!! I feel like the weights been lifted. The perfect end to a less than perfect 12 months. I’ve worked hard and deserve this treat.

And im happy, genuinely happy.

I packed everything but my stresses back home and here im Garry, single and ready to mingle. Camera check jack daniels check happy smiling Garry check!!