Asking For Help – Eventually

Okay I will admit it, I am pretty fucked up at the moment, and by pretty fucked up I mean REALLY REALLY fucked.

Denial of how bad things are in mooseland has reached breaking point and “fake it till you make it” just does not work for me so grudgingly I went to the Dr today. Garry made an intervention on behalf of moose if you will….

So what exactly is wrong?

in simple terms – FUCK KNOWS..

I am in a mess if truth be told and hiding has become a specialty, hiding away in bed from the world outside, barely setting foot outside the flat, still I guess in someways it can be seen as progress that I am actually sleeping in the bed and not the sofa… I am averaging about 18 hours a day in bed at the moment not all sleeping, lots of frankly bizarre dreams which wake me up a lot. It is unusual that I remember my dreams as it is but lately some of them are just insane. The theme of them has changed recently but not for the better! Before they were constantly about Sheryl, now they all revolve around me being alone with no where to turn. I would love to describe them fully but to be honest they freak me out a bit..

I am tired of fighting constantly, fighting to keep going forwards when I feel like I am in reverse. It feels like I am in a boxing fight with my hands tied behind my back and my energy levels are at an all time low.

It seems the harder I try to move on with life and fight the worse things get!

On top of this is a few revealing insights that have been given me to, all meant in the right way yet devastating in the truth that lies within them

I do try to be a good person and to help others, but is there really a hidden agenda behind my willingness to do this?

Do I really just help others because I want them to notice that I need help?

Do I really push people away to see who comes back? if this is the case how many times can I keep doing it before I end up with nothing and no one?

I know I am desperate for therapy and help but its still not forthcoming from the mental health team. It is nearly 2 years since I was referred to them and in all this time I have had 2 appointments. One was a 30 minute chat with a cpn who simple said I was not bipolar – I still have my doubts about that! and the other was with a psychologist in November who said I would hear from them “soon”. Thankfully my dr is writing to them today to try and chase this up as she can see that I would benefit from therapy and that I am getting worse and not better.

Is the only way to get help for mental health problems to access them via  A and E? thankfully I am not considering a visit there anytime soon but how long is soon for fucks sake.

I need help and I need it sooner rather than later

and worryingly this is just the tip of the iceberg…..for now lets hope doubling up my medication will have some effect or have I just become immune to them now as well….

 

 

 

The Calm Before The Inevitable Storm

So many things in my head that I need to get out but just cannot!

So many feelings and emotions that I do not want to be experiencing again.

As long as I say I’m fine that’s all everyone wants to hear but the reality is much different yet I can’t talk about it because there is no-one here to force me to let it all out and stop holding it back.

I don’t wanna hear it will be okay in the end, that it takes time. Time is not something I work well with.

All I can do is keep pretending to myself and the world that I am doing great, that I am not broken and falling apart because I keep being told how strong I am, and how proud of me people are.

I have precious time with my daughter which is the calm before the breakdown that follows every time she leaves me again. You know how hard it is when she tells me she is sad because mummy and daddy don’t live together, when she asks me why her friends mummy and daddy love each other. When we play with candles and she blows them out with the wish that “mummy would could back home with daddy and lilybet”

How much that each time she says that my heart breaks even more and the tears fill my eyes yet I cannot let them out because she doesn’t need to see her daddy crying. Every time she walks out the door to go back to her nans it destroys me, I wish I could have her here full time. Being a part time dad is not for me, I want to experience her first day at school, to walk her through the gates and be there at the end of each day for her.

So many more words to be said but no space to say them because I am not able to deal with the emotional fall out that will follow.

The heat certainly doesn’t help as my flat is like a sauna, I don’t care if you like the sun and can lay in it for hours on end give me the rain anytime!

I am struggling to sleep again which is not a good thing! for the first time in months my IBS has flared up again. Walk away from me, run even, it wont be the first time nor will it be the last. It is something I come to expect from people.

Leave me to face it all on my own…

I am worn out. drained and have very little left in the tank to give. A breakdown is coming the question is when and how hard it will hit!

 

Sleep is my Frenemy

Today I actually made it to an appointment with the mental health team in Goodmayes for an assessment. This was a case of 3rd time lucky and after over an hour with the Dr I left with more questions than answers!

“what is it you think we can do for you?”

That was the question that bugged me the most as I have no idea what to expect from them.

“sort out my head so i can stop shitting myself” was my reply!

So now I have to wait to find out what happens next, do they discharge me and recommend counselling or is there something more that they can offer me. I am still waiting to find out if I have bipolar or not as my GP suspects this may be the case.

What I was wasn’t expecting was to be lectured about my sleep and sleeping habits. It is a big issue for me and I was hoping they could shed some light on the hows and why of the cycle of constant sleep or no sleep.

Instead its all my fault for going to sleep when I am tired, regardless of the time of day. It’s like I wake up after hours of broken sleep still feeling tired on purpose!

Today for example I had to get up 3 hours before my appointment time just to ensure I could go to the toilet before leaving. I managed 5 hours sleep last night (on and off) but as soon as I came home I ended up sleeping for 4 hours.

This week I have been trying to avoid sleeping during the day and had been going to bed at 10pm, expect that 3-4 hours later I was waking up and wide awake! Then I wasnt able to fall back to sleep until 6am!

But apparently its all my fault and I need to work harder at staying awake, even when absolutely shattered! I pointed out that one of my issues at the moment was having zero energy but the sleep pattern is all my fault. Even when I mentioned that during my “happy” cycles I don’t need as much sleep but this seemed to go unnoticed.

Here is my prediction for what happens next…

The mental health team will decide that they can’t do anything for me and refer me to Sanibel (a local place here that does counselling).

Sanibel have already written to my GP stating that they don’t think I should be referred to them as it’s more a case for the mental health team.

And me? I will be stuck in limbo again!

Nevermind its almost time for a nap!

Glass half Full?

Nope the glass is not half full, nor is it half empty.

Some fucker took the glass and smashed it over my head!

My mood continues to go downhill. The usual feelings of worthlessness and failure associated with depression are working overtime.

It is even worse as I have sat at an empty blog screen for the past 3 days not being able to find words to help me out of this funk.

In the past I have been able to just get the words out, click publish and feel better as it is off my chest but lately there seems to be so many problems that I don’t know where to start.

Thus far the usual suspects of being needy, craving attention/affection, poverty and feeling useless over book sales are weighing me down.

I am supposed to be volunteering this weekend and truth be told as we speak today there is no way I can face it.  I can’t face much besides sleeping at the moment.

Since the snow of last weekend here is what I have done:

Woke up at 11/12

Slept at 2/3 until 5/6

back to sleep around 3 am

and thats been the story of my last few days!

Although I did manage to go to my Great Aunts’ yesterday to make sure she had some shopping as she hasn’t been able to get out.

So there you have four days worth of my life currently.

Depressing huh?

I need some good news or some good luck because I can’t keep going on like this, it is not fair on the kids or Sheryl as I am one miserable bastard when I am like this, short tempered, snappy and tired!

And to think I started 2013 with such optimism

Struggling..

The past few days I am finding myself struggling again.

I know things are bad when all I want to do is sleep again which is where I am at at the moment. It is not sleeping at night though, I am sleeping most of the day which means I am awake until 4-5 am.

Besides 3 visits to the vets this week I have done nothing all week!

Didn’t even make the training day for the time to change event next weekend which was held Thursday.

I am thoroughly bored of everything in my life, sick of playing the same damn Xbox game, as I only have one.

Sick of always being tired.

Sick of having no motivation

Sick of being in pain 24/7

I need to start my training for the 10k run in 4 months but I can’t run without agonising pain in my fucked knee.

The best way to describe how my knee feels is like it is hanging by a thread. Imagine an elastic band that has been pulled and is slowly tearing, that is how my knee feels just walking let alone the additional strain of attempting to run!

It seems the more I try to do to improve my health, the worse I make things!

And worse of all is that I cannot turn to Teresa for her words of comfort, support and wisdom and it is really hurting me.

Even posting new photos of Lilybet on Facebook gets me down because I keep expecting her to comment, or I am waiting for a message to come through from her. Endlessly refreshing my messages especially around midnight my time as thats when we would speak most of the time.

I know its only been a couple of weeks since she passed but it has hit me hardest the past week. I feel guilty for feeling so much grief because I feel selfish that is has affected me so much when I was only a friend online as opposed to her family who are suffering much more real pain. But I cant help it it has torn me up inside.

I guess I just became too dependent on her and now I feel like I have no one to turn to, especially in terms of sharing my innermost thoughts.

So tried exercise, doesn’t work

Tried writing, cant write anything!

Tried helping others, I am probably not much help at the moment.

Tried taking my mind off things by promoting books, my freebie day did at least ensure 75 copies were “sold” so hopefully it may increase sales of other books but I doubt it.

SO what else is there to do?

Seems like wallowing is the answer but I sure as hell hope it doesn’t last long as I can’t afford to wallow in self pity as I will end up in a terrible state – just when I thought I was on the mend!

The thing with depression is it allows you to think you’re doing great then it comes back and kicks your backside all over the place!

Good Days Feel Like Something From the Past

I haven’t had a “good” day for so long now, it feels like weeks since I felt positive about anything that is going on.

I really just cannot shake myself out of this negative frame of mind that I am in and expect everything to go wrong lately, as I said in the past if I did not have bad luck in my life I wouldn’t have any luck whatsoever but just lately everything is grinding me down. I feel like I am slowly being sucked in a whirlpool.

All I seem to be doing lately is sleeping during the day. I don’t sleep at night until 3am, on average, and usually wake up after 4 hours. Within 2 hours I just want to head back to bed and stay there all day.

I have no energy, I am emotionally drained and physically I have nothing to offer.

And it is pissing me off!

I should be happy with the things I have done lately, but with all the crap that is going on with every other aspect of my life I just cant focus on anything good.

To be honest depression is walking all over me at this moment in time and I do not have the strength to fight back. I am so much more content when helping other people because I can take my mind off my own issues.

Issues that are getting worse. Financially between Sheryl and I we have a bank balance of -£180, yes that is a minus sign.

I miss having a car because I cannot do public transport, it is too traumatic for me with the IBS and worrying about any potential accidents I may have (with the IBS not any traffic accidents)

I feel like I could give up very easily which goes against everything I stand for, How can I claim to help others when I cant even help myself?

But fighting back and pretending to be positive is too draining, I have nothing left in the tank.

Too many things are getting to me, If Elizabeth makes that whining sound again today I think I am gonna go mental!

I want my focus back that I had when working on the books, I am at a standstill on my romance novel because I just cant be bothered to do anything!

It’s a tough time in my world at the moment and hopefully this is the “got to get worse before it gets better” stage because if things get any worse I may just go to bed and hibernate until next year.

 

Sorry if I am letting people down at the moment, I certainly feel that is the case. I am trying get better but at the moment it’s not happening in the way I would like.

5pm as I write this, soon be tomorrow and who knows maybe it will bring with it some new resolve.