Last full day

Today is the last day of my holiday of a lifetime. It has been the best experience of my life.

I’m ready to go home now and get back to reality and improving myself when I return. I feel reinvigorated rejuvenated and refreshed and have really made the most of my time away.

It’s been amazing not having to worry about the other shit thats gone on and can actually feel like im in control of my destiny.

Changes will be made in terms of my attitude towards people and events and im no longer going to put myself in situations that do not ultimately benefit or enhance my life. People who hurt me will no longer get a second chance. I’m not so desperate for love that I will accept anything.

I’m going to look into courses to improve myself. Definately going to look into learning Spanish as i will be returning to Cape Millor again. The place is stunning.

I’m ready for the next chapter of my life. The last chapter has been ripped out and consigned to the past forever. No more looking back. My head is great my strength is back and im now focused on me again.

I’ve set records for steps taken, I’ve been out exploring daily not just sat around the pool and I’ve loved every single second of it.

I have also proved to myself that I can cope on my own and that’s huge to finally acknowledge that. Now i can choose to be with someone because i want to not cos i feel i have to be with someone.

Enhance my life and improve it or its “adios”

This time tomorrow i will be sitting in the airport waiting for my flight but moose will forever more hold Cala Millor in his heart

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Life-changing

Truth is I was worried about going abroad on my own. As much as I like my company I much prefer being around others and if you hadnt noticed this about me- being the centre of attention.

This holiday is life changing for me. I can genuinely say there has not been a time in my life when I have felt so relaxed and chilled out.

No one to tell me where to go, what to do or lie to me lol its heaven and I’m certainly going to travel more often on the back of this!

Do I wish I had a special someone here to enjoy this with? Of course but I’m making the most of my life being what it is right now and making memories for me. Who knows whats around the corner. I’m ready to meet someone again and when the times right she will make herself known, until then its my time for making Garry better, and making me a priority.

I’m loving my life right now, loving Majorca and happy!!

Depression and negativity was left at the airport and I won’t be picking that particular baggage up on my return. Instead im gonna work hard and save for my next holiday..

If you’re on facebook head over to my page where im posting live videos and photos. Not even sorry for the amount…

click here to like the page, share it comment and enjoy!

Here are some photos for you. Excuse the fat bloke in the pictures, thats me 😭

And yes, any single ladies out there will be pleased to know im available….

el alce en España

El Alce is Spanish for the moose…

I’ve arrived and it was emotional. It was like a wave came over me. Relief pride excitement. You see this holiday has now become the last event in my life. Not a break up, not a breakdown but a holiday.

I felt alive!! I feel like the weights been lifted. The perfect end to a less than perfect 12 months. I’ve worked hard and deserve this treat.

And im happy, genuinely happy.

I packed everything but my stresses back home and here im Garry, single and ready to mingle. Camera check jack daniels check happy smiling Garry check!!

Moose on tour

One more sleep. Well technically 2 but there’s no way I will be getting any sleep tomorrow night, especially having to be at the airport at the crack of a sparrows dart! But its almost here.

20 years, broken heart, broken mind and broken spirit since my last trip out of good ole England and im determined to make it a life changing experience.

I want to come back refreshed reinvigorated and maybe reinvented or at the very least moose version 2. My head is clearer than its been for weeks, and whilst other issues still linger in leaving them behind and taking charge of what baggage i take with me.

Moose is ready!

Bags are (almost) packed last minute clothes shopping done and in 36 hours or so i will set foot in Majorca ready for a week of sun sea sex (I can dream lol) and sorting myself out good and proper.

Obviously I wish it was different and I wasn’t going alone but it is what it is. I’m going to enjoy the experience no matter what and maybe one day will have someone worthy of a holiday with me. Certainly im no longer feeling like im not good enough because when the right person comes along at the right time it will all fall into place.

Expect plenty of updates over the next week or so. Moose is coming along for the trip and will share as much as possible with you.

For a week at least good bye depression, broken heart, low self esteem and negativity

Now if only I could find my passport….

An Anniversary to remember

Thanks to the memories/on this day function on Facebook I was reminded that on this day 5 years ago I took an overdose. Obviously it wasn’t successful but it has reminded me how far I have actually come despite the recent set back.

It doesnt matter how bad I’m feeling that option has never occurred to me again and that is progress.

Yes I have been through the worst period of my life these last 12 months but I get up every day and go to work. Haven’t taken any time off sick I’m getting on with shit and trying to move on with life.

If I stop and look properly at things then I can see how much better off I am in terms of my mental health and I’m absolutely guilty of being too hard on myself and taking blame for things not my responsibilty.

So today I’m thankful that 5 years ago I failed and I’m going to focus back on positives. I’m not going backwards no matter how much the black dog barks.

So here is a better photo. Contacts, haircut and clean shaven….maybe even a smile….

Get ready Majorca Moose on tour is coming your way!!!

Broken Tooth, No Broken Spirit

Nine days till Christmas and I have no intention of putting up a tree this year, as Brandon will be spending the holidays at his mum’s I will be alone for most of the Christmas period, so I really don’t want to look at a tree which is meant to celebrate a time for family.

It was my choice for him to spend most of the time away as I know I will be a miserable bastard and did not want it to impact on him, as my childhood memories of Christmas heavily influence my hatred for this time of year. Better he is with his mum who does a great job with Christmas than to be here with me impersonating the grinch.

Things are good apart from the fact that I broke a tooth at the weekend eating maltesers and as someone who has not seen a dentist for about 7 years I can tell you what great news this was! However being a good boy I was on the phone to them at 8 am this morning and have an appointment for tomorrow where I can look forward to an extraction, I assume, and a lecture (wohooo, I really love those)

On top of this I really have to let some steam off and moan about people. I am really sick of people using me for when it suits them, as an example I have spoken to three suicidal people in the past month and offered them support and an ear, yet do I hear from them again? Seems the majority people are only interested in me when it suits them not when I need someone.

I am getting to the stage where I am not sure that continuing with this blog, and being readily available for people, is such a good option for me. As much as I have enjoyed helping people it pisses me off that these people then avoid me, especially at times when I have asked for help myself. I am happy to give but there are times when it is needed to reciprocated and all too often that is not forthcoming and I am (finally) learning that the only person I can really rely on is myself.

I have “friends” abusing me because I wont give them what they want and do things the way they want them and the selfishness nature of people is grinding me down, more and more I am letting people walk away from me because I just cannot be arsed with arguing and defending myself.

People tend to forget that I have issues that need working on, but the moment I have a bad time I am the bad guy.

All I ask from people is effort, and nothing less than I would put in, but for plenty of people it appears to be an unacceptable request. Give and take is all well and good when it is shared equally, all too often this is not happening.

I am in a pretty good place currently though, despite the broken tooth and I can see things so much better now in terms of how people act around me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time, and I am preparing myself to get through the next few weeks when I will feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. I feel able to drop people without it causing me pangs of guilt, even more so when I am not in the wrong! The days of me chasing after people because I want attention all gone, the days of me reaching out to people because I am needy and alone are gone. If people don’t want to talk to me for whatever reason that is fine with me.

I have survived because I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a better person than I give myself credit for and its time I gave the people who go out of their way for me more attention because it is those people who deserve it.

When I say I don’t give a fuck anymore I honestly mean it. I will not allow people to affect my mood anymore.

And for those who don’t like it – please do not let the door hit you on the way out..

And for the people I know will stand by me just remember…

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Holiday and Miss Naughty….

Back home from the beautiful Isle of Wight and I feel relaxed, which is surprising considering how much I was panicking about coming back home to an empty flat again.

The batteries have been nicely recharged and I am ready to move forward into the next big challenge for me, finding a job. I have worked in retail, in sales, as a provident agent (which could be a blog all by itself!) – for those who don’t know what provident are they are a company that offer cash loans at sky-high interest rates which agents then go round to their houses on a weekly basis to collect installments. I was also a teaching assistant but have been out of work for 3 years unless I can claim that I was a self-employed blogger, author and mental health campaigner…

To be perfectly honest I would be willing to be an arse wiper for a sumo wrestler with the shits if it meant I was earning a wage! I just want to get back out there again and earn some money.

Back to the holiday..

The Isle of Wight is a beautiful place with lots of nice beaches and some stunning scenery and I cannot recommend a visit highly enough, shame about the cost of the ferry to get there but it is worth staying a week or so to lose yourself in the calmness and beauty of the place.

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Taken on Brading Downs

The Needles at Alum Bay

The Needles at Alum Bay

coloured sand at Alum bay

coloured sand at Alum Bay

coloured sand at Alum Bay

I am very happy to have spent some quality time with my twin brother David and his wife Debbie and can’t wait for next years visit – although I haven’t told them that yet..

The island is bloody expensive though as it is geared towards tourism but the best £4 spent was on this… especially when I saw the look of horror on Brandon, David, Debbie and Jacob’s faces as I disappeared for a while and came back looking like this..

money well spent! yes I'm a big kid at heart..

money well spent! yes I’m a big kid at heart..

although to be fair I did feel slightly sorry for all the little kids queuing up waiting for their face to be painted while a 34-year-old man sat in the chair….

I am now ready for the next chapter of my life to begin and hopefully I find work sooner rather than later, I am getting the bug to travel now having had my first holiday since 2006 and there are plans in the pipeline to go further afield….

Moving forward is the next step and I intend to go 2 steps at a time to make up for lost time once someone takes a chance on me and gives me a job!

Meanwhile I have been having a wonderful time getting to know Miss Naughty who has kept me thoroughly entertained over the past week since she contacted me via this blog, it is nice to feel attractive again and lots of fun learning about someone new who wants to spend time communicating with me. Thank you “Bridget”  for making me laugh and smile a lot , and taking my mind off other stuff that had been threatening to bring me down again!

The future is starting to look brighter again once I can fully learn to stop looking behind me on what has been, focusing on what I can do and what changes I can make is the goal from here on in…

Buckle up for the ride folks it may well get bumpy but with some amazing people behind me ready to pick me up if I fall how the hell can I not succeed?

Thank you again David and Debbie for having Brandon and I for the week, I appreciate it a lot, its great to have a close relationship with you both again – another positive to take from recent events!

Nowhere To Hide

The whole point of this holiday was to escape from the issues back home, to try to clear my head and focus on moving forwards without you. Accepting that you don’t want me was the idea..to spend quality time with Brandon and David and his family.

Except I haven’t been allowed to switch off

So why ring me on 3 of the first 4 days?  In total I have had 4 phone calls in the time I have spent here, sure I get that Lilybet has missed her dad but then when she misses me and I’m back home I don’t get called this often to speak to her!

Are you ringing me because you miss me? if so for the love of God just say that and yet when I attempt to strike up a conversation with you via text you just ignore me after 2 messages, so it has to be when you want to talk to me and not the other way round?

I just don’t have you down as someone who plays games, the Sheryl I used to know wasn’t like this but maybe this is the new you?

You’re either reaching out to me in your own way or just simply trying to head fuck me, I would like to think it’s the former not the latter but to be perfectly honest I really do not know anymore but what I do know is that I deserve better than to be played like this when you know how vulnerable I am when it comes to you and Lilybet.

Even not answering your phone calls isn’t an option for me because I don’t want to upset Lilybet by not answering in case it is her calling.

So let me make this perfectly clear for the final time

Do I miss you and want you home? yes I really do

Am I sitting around waiting forever? not a chance, I am trying to move on with my life and get my head straight

You ended the marriage (via text!) not me, you told me you don’t love me anymore, you walked away, you took off your wedding rings after two days.

If you want me then YOU have to put the effort in to show me with actions not words, and if you don’t want that (as you have already said) then stop fucking with my head and my heart because it is simply not fair.

 

Moosey on Holiday

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Moose and his twin brother

It feels so good being away from reality and my crappy life inside the four walls of misery, or home as it’s more commonly known. Being surrounded by family is awesome, having people to talk to or simply just laugh at is good for the soul and reminds me how much of a people person I am!

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is it a bird? a plane? no it’s supermoose

It’s also a good reminder to me of how far I have come over the past few months, going from being a recluse to surrounding myself with great company as well as bonding with my brother and his wife, both have been a tower of strength for me recently and I’m so pleased I have come down.

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Debbie my sister-in-law

Although I feel bad that this is the first time I have been to visit them for 12 years!! still good things come to those who wait 😀

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treating myself to a new top and feeling guilty in the process!

Hell I even treated myself to some new clothes yesterday, once I got over the guilty feeling of spending money on me for a change! oh and did I mention how good I am looking lately?

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not many people can carry off a hat like this – myself included 🙂

The hat above was from the poundstore but you will be pleased to know I didn’t buy it – I just walked around the store wearing it 😀

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Sandown Beach

Beautiful beach – the isle of wight has some amazing views, the landscape is amazing! Hopefully I will remember to take my camera out with me and get some photos at some point.

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had to be done…

no British holiday is complete without these sort of photos taken on the pier

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my figure before all the weight loss

told you i lost lots of weight, now im on the beach in a thong (photos available on request LOL)

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on the ferry

So here I am having a great time, relaxing (as much as my brain lets me) and trying to focus on clearing my head of the stresses of life – to a point its working because when you have people around you who love you it makes things that much easier!

Nothing To Say

nothingtosay

There really is nothing to say, things are good and my recovery continues.

The problem is each day repeating the one previous and losing track of the days because they are all the same.

The medication decrease is working fine and so is the therapy that I waited so long for, despite the emotional turmoil each session brings, but I am gaining more knowledge about the why’s and how’s of certain issues and this is very positive for when in terms of the blame game. Now at least I am learning that there are things beyond my control that will happen and to try and just roll with the punches as and when they arrive, rather than accepting the right and left hooks straight to the head!

Holiday time is almost here and in 2 days I will be just arriving on the Isle of Wight, I chose Friday as the day to go away as it is my wedding anniversary and thought it would be the perfect day to escape for a while, to be somewhere other than indoors on what should be a special day for me.

Luckily I will be around family in the shape of David, his wife Debbie, my nephew Jacob, and of course Brandon who is coming for our first proper holiday together.

All I need now is that change of luck/fortune to take the next step into moving forward with my life and leaving the hell of June and July behind me.

They say fortune favours the brave and I have certainly been that over the past few months…..