One year on

Today marks a year since my world fell apart and I was hurt like never before. I could have broke down, I could have spiralled into a depression, I could have gone off the rails and I could have wasted 12 months feeling hurt, bitter, angry and sorry for myself…

Except I haven’t done any of those things…

I’ve just had the most productive 12 months of my life in terms of personal growth, development and re-educating myself on the great person I am.

I’ve rediscovered old friendships, rebuilt broken ones, made new ones and basically had a fucking ball as often as I wanted to.

Im living life my way, not being told how to do it, free from shackles, chains, gaslighting, abuse, lies and pretty much drama free and frankly the shit I went through needs to be thanked for making me the way I am today.

Do I get the odd bad days/weeks? Of course I do but the difference now is that I’m allowed to have them and ride them out in my own way.

I’m still doing this 6 week challenge and I’ve lost 14 lbs. Not as much as I’d like BUT, im happy with it as the 6 weeks comes to a close. I had to miss 3 sessions because of the black dog and took my eyes of the prize for a week or so. That’s my responsibilty…That’s on me.

This challenge has been amazing for me. It has given me a new direction, a new outlet, a new group of friends and today im loving life. I’ve even signed up to continue after the 6 weeks is over. Exercise classes 3 times a week minimum, healthier eating choices and a group of men who just encourage each other to keep going.

I will write more on the wonders of 30+ mens fitness in a seperate post over the weekend but suffice to say its been a great impulse decision…

And it’s rare my impulse decisions work out for the best…

I can look back on the last 12 months with a victorious smile

  • Holiday to Majorca
  • Reopening this blog
  • Working every shift with not one day sickness, no matter how black the clouds were
  • Losing a stone in weight…so far (More to come watch this space)
  • Finding Garry again
  • Learning to love myself again
  • Being a part of a great group of people
  • Remembering my blessings in life, friends, family etc

You tried to break me, you made me stronger, you made me become a better me again.

So for this reason I thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart because there’s one thing that will result from this last year and that is I will never again find myself feeling unloved, unwanted, unhappy again.

AND THATS HOW WINNING IS DONE!!!

And just like that….gone forever. No more bad memories, no more hating myself.

The 12 months is now all about the amazing memories I’ve made on my own terms and the future is looking fantastic.

And this time last year i couldn’t have dreamed being able to write something so positive now.

Don’t give up on yourself….

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The Calm Before The Inevitable Storm

So many things in my head that I need to get out but just cannot!

So many feelings and emotions that I do not want to be experiencing again.

As long as I say I’m fine that’s all everyone wants to hear but the reality is much different yet I can’t talk about it because there is no-one here to force me to let it all out and stop holding it back.

I don’t wanna hear it will be okay in the end, that it takes time. Time is not something I work well with.

All I can do is keep pretending to myself and the world that I am doing great, that I am not broken and falling apart because I keep being told how strong I am, and how proud of me people are.

I have precious time with my daughter which is the calm before the breakdown that follows every time she leaves me again. You know how hard it is when she tells me she is sad because mummy and daddy don’t live together, when she asks me why her friends mummy and daddy love each other. When we play with candles and she blows them out with the wish that “mummy would could back home with daddy and lilybet”

How much that each time she says that my heart breaks even more and the tears fill my eyes yet I cannot let them out because she doesn’t need to see her daddy crying. Every time she walks out the door to go back to her nans it destroys me, I wish I could have her here full time. Being a part time dad is not for me, I want to experience her first day at school, to walk her through the gates and be there at the end of each day for her.

So many more words to be said but no space to say them because I am not able to deal with the emotional fall out that will follow.

The heat certainly doesn’t help as my flat is like a sauna, I don’t care if you like the sun and can lay in it for hours on end give me the rain anytime!

I am struggling to sleep again which is not a good thing! for the first time in months my IBS has flared up again. Walk away from me, run even, it wont be the first time nor will it be the last. It is something I come to expect from people.

Leave me to face it all on my own…

I am worn out. drained and have very little left in the tank to give. A breakdown is coming the question is when and how hard it will hit!