No Job For Garry

In the past 10 days or so I have been actively looking for a job via the internet, walking round the area and other means and after 200 job applications so far I am yet to hear from a single company!

I have tried pretty much every industry don’t care what the job is as long as it allows me to support my family.

What happened to the days when you could walk into a company and charm the manager into giving you a chance?

The internet is a great thing but boy does it make job hunting hard with hundreds of people going for one job!

how can you resist this face?

how can you resist this face?

 

I have worked in retail, sales and been a teaching assistant in a school, as well as a provident agent but the less said about that the better!

I make a great cup of tea and can talk the hind legs of a donkey if it means a potential sale or simply networking opportunities. Not to mention how much my great sense of humour can liven up the office and Christmas parties without the moose dad dancing is something no company should be missing out on!

So my friends, I need a job! preferably close to Woodford so I can still be home for Brandon after school – 10am to 3pm would be perfect but I am prepared to drag my ass out the flat for a full time job as well!

I don’t care what it is as long as it pays more than benefits and allows me to pay the bills, feed and buy clothes for the kids and still have something left over to paint the town red now and again!

If any TV executives are out there I would make a great presenter! or can even try my hand at acting for the right role ­čśÇ

Come on folks help find the moose a job or at the very least an interview where I can do the rest……

“Could Do Better” Story of my Life

Three words that have followed me from childhood into adulthood!

Every year my school report contained the same thing from most of my teachers “Could do better” and if I was to look back on my 34 years the same words would apply.

I seem to be a shining example of a wasted life with very little to show for the talent(s) and ability that I possess.

I am actually more intelligent that I act, and yet I can look back at almost every aspect of my life with pangs of regret over how little I have actually managed to accomplish. Whether through my fault or others making the choices for me there is nothing for me to look back at and think “wow I achieved everything I set out to do!” be it career wise or personally.

I have had more jobs than I care to remember since leaving school in 1995, working in Retail, sales, pubs and clubs, a teaching assistant and even being a doorstep collector for a loan company (issuing loans and chasing repayments) and yet at this point in my life I still have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life.

At 20 I was footwear manager in what was the biggest sports shop in Europe! now I can’t even get employment in shops as there are so many people applying for each job. I applied for a┬ávolunteering┬áposition at Mind and didn’t get as much as an interview. I feel like at 34 I am unemployable! The rejection side of job hunting is scary especially for someone like me with self esteem issues to begin with! It is almost 3 years since I had a job and whilst my depression is severe enough to currently keep me signed off I then have to deal with being tarred as a “benefits scrounger”. The time will soon come when I need to start looking for work again, even if currently the idea of being at work scares the hell out of me, not just the job itself but the drama of the commute which will be hell for me with my toilet issues, especially in the mornings!

The talent is there though it is more a question of using it proactively and productively! Besides finding it in the first place because there really is more to me than sitting on my fat arse!

Wasted Talent should be my motto! What can I do though? I am not a writer that much I have been made aware off, chances of me writing a novel pass with each day that I don’t open up the “Second Chances” file and work on it! 6 months since I even looked at the story so far tells me that it is not my niche!

So where now? answers on a postcard please because I need some inspiration to make the step from scrounger to bread winner before we sink into the financial abyss.

As my idol Mr De Niro said in the film A Bronx Tale “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent!”

 

“Sonny and my father always said that when I get older I would understand. Well, I finally did. I learned something from these two men. I learned to give love and get love unconditionally. You just have to accept people for what they are, and I learned the greatest gift of all. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever.”

I guess time will tell whether I can A) find my talent and B) make the most of it

For now though the trawling through jobs I have no hope of getting will soon be starting and hopefully I can find something that gives me a chance or at the very least not let the constant stream of rejection send me into a spiral!

 

Feeling like a Failure

One of the things about depression I hate the most is that feeling of being a failure. I think of all the symptoms this is the one that drags me down the most of all.

 

I can handle, for the best part, most of the other symptoms except the negative ones. Always in the back of my mind is that little voice chirping away at my insecurities. In many ways I wish I had not published books because I am constantly checking for sales and seeing none makes my feelings of failure and worthlessness grow.

There has been sales though┬áthat’s┬áthe annoying thing about it – although not as many that I can start to employ a team of staff to cater to my every whim.

Below is an image of my smashwords dashboard which shows sales from my books

 

This does not take into account sales from Amazon or paperback sales which are all done separately  but as you can see Diary of The Depressed Moose has sold 13 copies since 10th August. However all my brain focuses on is that it has been downloaded 50 times. With smashwords you can preview 20% of the book and that counts as a download, this means that 37 people have downloaded the book and previewed it and then not purchased it. This makes that little voice scream failure.

Stepping into the Light has sold a lot more copies but 35 of them were free copies given to people who submitted poetry.

Try as hard as I can the positive fact that 13 people have purchased the book does not seem to get through to me.

I should be screaming from the roof tops with pride that I have sold 21 books overall shouldn’t I? so why can’t I do it?

The same logic applies to my time job hunting. In 18 months I applied for over 400 jobs and was only selected for 2 interviews! Failure or rejection do not work well in the mind of someone suffering from depression!

As you know I am attempting to write a novel, it is a romance one so would appeal to a wider audience but if the truth be told I am scared of completing it and self publishing it. The fear of it failing eats away at me, in the previous two weeks I had written an average of 10,000 words a week, and yet in the past 8 days I have written 2000. I am scared of what happens after I finish. I will have no other project to work on to take my mind away from depression, as well as my obsessive need to check sales reports several times a day!

Too interested in numbers is my curse, not being able to read between the lines and see the positive is my problem.

But the good news is I am not in denial of my issues ­čśÇ

I guess I am just too damn needy for my own good. Always seeking reassurance and validation of my writing will only drive me and my friends mad.

When I am low I am needy. Receiving praise seems to work wonders for me as it would anyone I guess.