Firstly ignore the post from last night, you may have noticed I can be
slightly temperamental at times. I have avoided posting about things lately but this has come at the detriment of my mental health so here we go..
Nicole and Sandra have provided me with some pretty harsh, but very warranted words today. I appreciate people who tell me like it is rather than saying what they think I want to hear.
So yes currently I am pretty fucked up, I am a mess, my emotions and mental health is all over the place and I don’t know whether I am coming, going or even where I stand.
That is not a valid excuse for giving up and accepting things as they are. Its true I wallow a lot at the moment, but remember I have lost not only my wife and best friend but my daughter. It has been a huge shock to the system, especially the way I have been treated since. Thanks to Cindy I have been able to make a lot more sense of things, although it took a day or so to sink in.
I thought I was the whole problem, but I am a part of it only. She needs to do what she has to do to walk away from me and I need to stop taking it personally, she has changed beyond all recognition to me. This only makes it easier because she is not my wife anymore but a stranger.
I sat down today and wrote down all the mistakes I made over the past few years and believe me there were plenty of them, that I wont talk about here. I wasn’t alone in them though, the difference is that I was prepared to work on them and rectify them. I have learnt that you cannot win a fight that has the odds stacked against you, almost fixed in the fact that I can’t win this battle let alone the war.
My self confidence has taken an absolute hammering over the years because I slept on the sofa, imagine spending four years sleeping in a different room to your partner! At first it was because of insomnia but then it was because of the baby. Now maybe you can understand why my self esteem has suffered, why my confidence is low because I had to suffer nightly rejection! It was not even about the sex, it was about the intimacy of falling asleep with my wife wrapped around me and waking up the same way the next morning!
Four years without this! Without waking up next to my wife…
But naturally its all my fault as the man and she is the victim in all this….
My depression was made worse by the lack of self esteem this caused me, yes I am needy and yes I was hard work at times but this was a big issue for me!
Growing up I was always called cocky or arrogant but this was my mask, as I got into my late teens and mid 20s in between relationships I was always fucking about.
As Nate Dogg once said “I got more ass than a toilet seat!” but I don’t want to be that guy anymore. Going out and having meaningless sex does not appeal to me whatsoever! So when people tell me all I need to get over this shit is to go out and fuck someone it insults me!
What I want is someone who will make some effort with me, treat me with respect, accept my issues and help me not hinder me, make me feel attractive and wanted again. Above all else is for someone to treat me the way I deserve to be treated because for all my faults I am a nice guy, a good guy and I wont become the wanker I was 10 years ago.
Amazing how your attitude towards things change over time, and believe me I could share some great stories on here about my past experiences shagging a different person weekly.
It’s not me anymore. Whilst I may be a flirt I am not about taking it further just for the sake of it.
I have to try and forge a new direction, I want to try and experience new things. I want to be able to say that today I did something for the first time and above all else I want to stop this negative thinking about myself that other people have turned into a habit.
So lets start again working my way back up and not forgetting who I am, what I am and that I AM WORTHY!
Hi I’m Garry aka Moosey/Mooseman and I have depression.
Tomorrow we begin Operation Fuck The Haters and those who are not with me are not coming for the ride!
Wanting to be loved is my only crime and if that really is a crime what a sad world we live in!
I love how the radio feature on Spotify can throw up a song at you that you would not pick up on yourself.
So I am the first to admit that behind the hard exterior I am a big softie..
This song resonates with me
“I Bruise Easily”
Of where my heart has been
And I cant hide the marks
Its not a negative thing
So I let down my guard
Drop my defences down by my clothes
I’m learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow
I bruise easily
So be gentle when you handle me
Theres a mark you leave
Like a love heart carved on a tree
I bruise easily
Can’t scratch the surface
Without moving me underneath
I bruise easily
I bruise easily
I found your fingerprints
On a glass of wine
Do you know you’re leaving them
All over this heart of mine too
But if I never take this leap of faith
I’ll never know
So im learning to fall
With no safety net to cushion the blow
Anyone who can touch you
Can hurt you or heal you
Anyone who can reach you
Can love you or leave you
So be gentle…
I bruise easily
I bruise easily
Is what I am trying to convince myself….
But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.
I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.
Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.
Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.
I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.
I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!
So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.
I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.
I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.
“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.
Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.
I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.
I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.
Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!
how can she forget me so quickly?
how can she treat me like i don’t exist?
why am I so forgettable?
why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?
what exactly did I do wrong?
why wont she talk to me?
Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!
I’m away for a hide for a little while, no idea how long could be hours, days or weeks but I’m not great at the moment having a crisis of confidence.
Sadly, that inner voice that I had hidden (or ignored) has come back and asked all manner of questions that I had avoided asking let alone trying to answer.
So I am going to do the hardest thing and sit down and work out the answers, no matter how painful.
For now the walls are up, people not allowed in and I have to face this alone.
WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS LOTS OF USE OF THE F WORD!
I genuinely do not like swearing on my blog but hey sometimes nothing works better than an old fashioned F word!
Almost like a bucket list but a lot easier to roll of the tongue, and just as helpful in terms of letting go and moving forward.
People have asked me how I have been able to deal with some of the issues over the past few months and keep going when times have been rough. How I re-evaluated myself and what I want for the here and now, let alone the future.
The problem with depression is that we spend too much time focusing on issues that are outside our control, especially if you are like me and like being able to put some closure to everything.
However the problem is that sometimes closure is not always possible but we do still have to let things go and move on with our lives.
So what can we do to give ourselves closure I hear you ask…
I give you the FUCK IT LIST…
All you need is 2 pens, 1 black or blue and one red, a piece of paper and some quiet time.
Firstly take the black or blue pen in your hand and write down the things that are bothering you, thoughts you are having about issues beyond your control. Make a nice long list of everything that is making you feel down or even indifferent.
When you have finished with everything on the list have a good read of it all.
Take the red pen in your hand and over every thing on the list that is beyond your control and that you cannot change write the words FUCK IT!
Once that has been done, take the list and rip it up into lots of tiny pieces and throw away, burn it, do anything to it that can take out some of your frustrations.
And its done, you have taken back some of the control and given yourself a little bit of closure. Leave it in the past where it belongs and start to focus on the present.
Now obviously this will not work for everyone but it helped me greatly to let go and since then I have been in a much healthier place mentally.
We can only try and if it does not help then you have my permission to look at this post and scream…
Apologies for the swearing but to be perfectly honest the “Gosh Darn It” list just did not have the same ring to it!
I am done with focusing on the past, reliving things and memories that now no longer hold the same special feelings.
From this day on the past is being locked away in a safe and buried in the sand, possibly alongside some heads that are buried there…
The present is the place that needs my urgent attention so that I can create a different future!
I have too much baggage from the past to carry with me anymore and my shoulders are weary of dragging it around.
Until today when I found the scissors that cut those ties and released me from the shackles!
No more regretting things that I have done, If I offended you, even unintentionally and you are holding that grudge then step aside and move into the past of my life. I don’t want to know anymore.
I don’t want to feel a sense of obligation to making things right, things happen for a reason and this is shaping my new path and new sense of direction and if that makes me unpopular then so be it.
I proved something to myself last night which has had a big impact on me today, all those negative thoughts and feelings that people have projected onto me, and I helpfully glued them on, have been lifted.
I have fucked up a lot over the years but as Bon Jovi once said ” I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man”
No more will I allow them to hold me back!
People have expectations of me, especially as I have put myself so much out there with this blog, but I cannot live up to everyone’s expectations and more importantly I have come to realise that my own well being and expectations of myself were being neglected!
I don’t write as much these days because every day is like Groundhog day – the same things happening, the same thoughts and feelings and the same people making me feel like shit!
So what happens now in this all new improved present?
Last night I went out with Paul, an old friend from my school days who I have recently reconnected with, and I am bloody glad I have!
Then I saw a beautiful woman at the pub and spend the rest of the night talking to her. After years of feeling low in confidence and lacking self esteem the old Garry was back. Confident enough that I had something to offer someone in terms of conversation and company. Not having to focus on my issues but to sit back relax and enjoy the time spent with someone who wanted to talk to me, to get to know me and who had a real interest in what we were talking about.
Although now of course I have to sit back and wait for the phone call to come..patience is not something I do well.
But a few hurdles were easily overcome last night, I finally proved to myself that I am ready to move on from the past.
And the future, as well as the present is looking a hell of a lot more rosy than I could have imagined a while ago.
Waving goodbye to the past could be the hardest thing I have had to do, but maybe, just maybe its the best thing too!
Now I want to explore new avenues, new paths and create new memories
Two letters yet put together they can have such a negative affect on how we can feel, especially about ourselves..
Here are some examples
I feel Unloved, Unwanted, Unpopular, Unattractive, Unhappy.
The list is endless when it comes to recent events.
Yet I am Unable to Understand why my mood is so Unstable and why Unforeseen circumstances have made me so Unwelcome.
I thought I was Unforgettable but Unfortunately I was wrong.
I am Unimportant and Unknowingly subjected myself to an Unhealthy way of thinking with an Unlimited number of thoughts running through my head.
However it is Unlikely that things will improve until I Unlock and Unloosen the feelings I have been Unwilling to deal with, Unmask them and unravel them because I appear to have an Unrealistic approach to life at the moment.
Of course a lot of these feelings and emotions are Unreal because I still have things that are Unresolved.
The task now is to remove the UN from my life one step, feeling and emotion at a time.
Except for the following…
I am Unashamedly, Undeniably, Unquestionably…
and for that I am Unapologetic