Goodbye 30s…thanks for nothing

Tonight is my last night in my 30s and I can’t wait to see the back of what can only be described as a cluster fuck of a decade.

It started so well, newly married, baby on the way but has ended up a fucking disaster…

My 30s have consisted of…

  • Failed marriage and divorce
  • Depression
  • A suicide attempt
  • An abusive relationship
  • Losing too many friends/family
  • Losing myself

However lets turn some of it around. Despite all the bad stuff I’ve survived, at one point it was touch and go. I nearly didn’t see 35 let alone 40.

At the moment I’m going through an awful period mentally. The black dog is barking and biting hard and its been a real struggle. A combination of still having a chest infection for months, over working and being haunted by memories have dragged me down to a low dark place.

I remember things too well, something innocuous can send me spirraling backwards or into a tailspin that can take weeks to recover from.

When one of your best friends uses the phrase “doing a Garry” and follows it up with “When things are going well and looking up you suddenly feel the need to self destruct” you start to question things.

Is that what I do?

I mean all I really want is to find that special someone, live a drama free life and be happy and loved but am I so damaged that I’m subconsciously self destructing as a coping mechanism? A way of preventing opportunities arising to protect myself from anymore hurt and pain?

It’s not just the theory of one but of a couple of people, people that know me the best.

I’m lucky to have friends like these who see through the front, the bravado, the cockiness etc and tell me what I don’t want to hear but NEED to hear.

I need to find a way out of this slump. I want to get my arse back to the training again, I’ve made one session this month for various reasons.

If I could choose a gift for my birthday it would be the gift of self discipline, I need to reach down deep yet again and find a way to channel things into a positive solution. I’ve slipped backed into old dangerous habits and I know only one person can pull me out of it.

Yet behind the flirtatious, cheeky, did he really just say that persona is a man who just wants to find his passion for life again.

At 40 I should know what i want but still have no fucking idea, career wise, life wise. At which point does it become too late? I don’t want to lose my faith in the happy ever after BUT… It’s ebbing away slowly.

So as I start my 40s I want them to be spectacular, eventful, happy, joyous and life changing. No more hurting, self destructing, letting memories haunt me.

They say life begins at 40…. I truly fucking hope so because I can’t take another decade like the last one.

Saying goodbye to the people I’ve loved over the years and closing the chapter on everything thats hurt me since I hit 30, especially the last 6 years is the start.

Here I come into my naughty forties…..tomorrow morning Im going to wake up, smile, be thankful and spend the precious few days I have off work getting my groove back.

Moosey turning 40

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Moose Attacked By Cougar

Breaking news!!

Last night saw a lone moose attacked by a cougar in a shocking turn of events,

Trying as hard as he could to defend himself (yeah right!) and fight the cougar off (pppfffttt!) he eventually gave in to nature and was eaten alive – which he thoroughly enjoyed..

So nice to feel attractive and wanted again, even better to go to sleep with someone wrapped around you and wake up the next morning still with them.

Even better knowing moose meat can be put back on the menu for the ladies out there, and nice that the strings that were holding me back were cut to shreds at long last..

 

 

My Name is Garry..

And I have a gambling problem…

There I said it, although it is not really a secret as a few friends know about the problem I have with playing bingo online, especially with my down cycles.

In the past 2 weeks I have spent more than our income and it makes me feel like an arsehole!

anyways please check out my latest vlog!

Moose Tattoo – Post Sponsored By Madhouse Tattoo

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Moose Tattoo

 

Here is my moose tattoo done at Madhouse Tattoo in Stanstead Abbots 01920 877582 – a five minute walk from St Margarets train station which can be reached from Tottenham Hale or Liverpool St.

Sitting on my neck, why there I hear you ask. Simple answer cos the Moose is a pain in the neck 😀

Really happy with this and for the guys at Madhouse I will be back in the future!

“Famoose”

Yep you read that right after yesterdays shenanigans I am now famous, or to spell it correctly famoose!

Well that of course is not true in any sense but it sure as hell was an exciting day, luckily I was prepared today for being back to “normal” and had no expectations of a repeat performance. This is an important step for me though because usually I would have been on a complete negative day today trying to live up to the figures of yesterday.

It appears I am finally making progress with the negativity that plagues me!

Of all the symptoms of depression this is my biggest challenge, trying to fight the inner demons of feeling like a failure and so this week I make a pact with myself to focus on the positive of everything that I attempt for the whole of the week.

It is a big challenge but one I am determined to do because I feel it will help me the most with my recovery if I can remain positive, or at the very least be more positive than negative.

It will involved looking at things from an entirely new perspective but should be an interesting opportunity to really take stock of how far I have come in 6 months.

Here is a top 10 list of things I can be positive about in the 6 months since my diagnosis

  1. Helping other people with depression
  2. Inspiring people to write blogs to help themselves
  3. Attempting to raise money for Mind through Stepping into the Light – Poems from the Darkness book
  4. Learning how to self publish books
  5. Learning how to communicate with my wife about my problems
  6. Asking for help when I need it
  7. Making new friends via WordPress, Facebook and Twitter – more new friends in a real sense not a gaming friend who I never speak to.
  8. Letting go of things from my past that have held me back – like visiting my Uncles old home
  9. Being open and honest about my illness instead of holding it all in
  10. Accepting that I have an illness and trying to beat it rather than wallowing in the self pity state I lived in for 18 months previously

Thats not bad for starters is it?

And best of all I can still accept yesterday as a great day without it impacting on the rest of my week and how I feel.

Onwards and Upwards folks for tomorrow is a new day and with it comes new challenges.

Friday Night Fantasy

 

 

 

 

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Cheryl Cole

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Mila Kunis

 

 

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BEST NIGHT EVER!!!

Have a great weekend people and remember if you see a smiling moose on your tv somersaulting down the sights of London you will know that the Friday fantasy came true!***

*** ps Sheryl if you are reading this my account was hacked and someone else posted this!

Silence of the Moose

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The Moose on the rampage

 

The moose is tired and emotional!

He has turned into a cereal killer!**

Hope your day is going well everyone!

A smile can make a big difference in your day, I hope this brought a smile to your face!

what other films can we do with the moose?

suggestions welcome

** no coco pops were harmed in the making of this image 😀

Embracing the Moose

And so another day begins, another night with 4 hours sleep but it was a very productive day yesterday. A proper domain name for here, a new Facebook page and a day spent soul searching. All in all I put yesterdays “down mood” as a blip in the road and one I was expecting but not ready for!

So who is THE MOOSE, well it started out as a name for my mafia wars account then just grew from there! It then became more about simply a game tag and took on a new persona one that has stuck with me and rather than trying to shun it I feel I should simply embrace it more as it has helped shape me over the last 4 years.

A message from a good online friend simply said

“there’s a reason you are the moose. proud and majestic but also vulnerable in the circle of life.”

Talk about something striking a chord with you! I couldn’t have out this better myself. It was interesting to hear people’s feedback about me losing the moose persona. It’s like my comfort zone being more comfortable in that identity than my own. So yesterdays proclamation “I AM GARRY” needs some adjustment slightly “I AM GARRY THE MOOSE” is more apt.

Some points of clarification are needed here just to make sure we are all on the same page.

When I say Moose I mean this

as opposed to any of the following

so in summary I am a “majestic beast” not an indulgent dessert or a hair styling product!

Garry