The Recurring Dream

I dreamed of you again last night,

And the magic from the first time we met.

Walking hand in hand at midnight,

In the rain, it didn’t matter that we got wet.

 

Sitting in the field as the sun went down,

Watching the moon and stars,

Talking and laughing for hours

Lost in the precious time of ours.

 

We laughed and cried as we shared our past,

enchanted by each others stories.

We didn’t dwell on the pain too much,

And emphasized all our glories.

 

The rain came and went, and back came the heat,

As the grass soaked out feet,

But still we sit there alone with each other

Two lost souls destined to meet.

 

As the sun began to rise again,

And the birds song their morning song,

We realised how much time had been spent outside

And soon you would be gone.

 

The perfect way to spend a night,

with great company by my side.

No pressure, no technology, no phones

Just me and you at one with nature, it fills me up with pride.

 

And just like that you have to go,

a farewell with a gentle, tender kiss

And in my heart I truly know,

It will never ever be like this.

 

As quick as you’re gone,

I’m wide awake, alone in my double bed.

It felt so real, so natural, so perfect

But alas it was all in my head.

 

Another day spent all alone,

waiting for the recurring dream.

And when it comes it will be as good as before

Things can be as wonderful as they seem.

 

A dinner date, night out at the pub,

I wonder what will happen tonight,

As long as it’s the two of us.

I know it will be a perfect night.

 

The alarm will go again at seven,

Taking you away again out of the blue,

It’s not very often I remember my dreams.

I pray these ones come true!

 

©thedepressedmoose 2013

 

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Only a Dream?

It is not often that I remember my dreams, usually if I do it is because they are so ridiculous that they stand out. For the past few months I have a recurring dream of opening a meeting place for people with depression/mental health illnesses to come and spend their days playing games, meeting folks etc. The Depressed Moose Centre if you will (name might need some work LOL)

I am a pretty spiritual person with strong beliefs in the afterlife and believe that people who have passed on contact you via dreams, in the past my uncles have visited me often to send me messages of support when I have been feeling low.

However the last couple of nights I have had disturbing dreams about my Uncle Ron, for those new to my blog I looked after Ron until his death and it is one of the biggest factors of my depression. The kind of dreams where you wake up and it feels so real that you find it hard to believe it did not happen.

I am sat at his old flat listening to him tell me that I could and should have done more to help him while he struggled and died in hospital. How he blames me for it everything. I woke up yesterday feeling really triggered by the dream, or maybe nightmare would be a better word.

It’s something completely foreign to me as usually my dreams revolve around me Mila Kunis, Cheryl Cole and a bottle of Jack Daniels and baby oil!

Now I am pretty sure in myself that I could not have done anything more for Ron so why almost 3 years since his death am I having these negative dreams/visits. Why when things were starting to look up for me? and why cant I shake the feeling that he is trying to get a message to me?

Have you had experience with these sort of dreams? How do you deal with them? I’m finding it hard to push it out my mind, and with my run coming up in 2 days it is really dragging me down when I should be starting to focus on dragging my body 10 Km!

Any advice welcomed…

Reflecting on yesterday

Not just yesterday as in Monday but all my yesterdays, when times were happier and simple.

But lets start with the big news from yesterday

I know what your thinking, Margaret Thatcher died, but that’s not the news I was referring too. The big news was that the moose went streamlined and removed lots of hair!

Haircut – check

Shave – check

Chest – check

Back – check

here is the proof

new streamlined moose

new streamlined moose

now if this does not make me run faster then I am afraid nothing will! It’s nice to finally be out of my winter coat!

After 4 bad days I actually made it out the house for longer than the 10 minute walk for cigarettes and headed over to the gym for an hour.

As expected once the black clouds had reappeared I found it difficult to leave the house and go training. despite the proximity of the gym. Although in my defence the more depressed I feel the worse my IBS is and I couldn’t risk any accidents on the treadmill. I spent most of these days laying down in bed feeling sorry for myself, it really is one of the things I hate most about having depression! The constant need for attention from people and the self loathing I suffer as a result of not getting any. It is never a case of people being busy in my eyes it’s always about people rejecting me and I struggle to cope with this ridiculous way of thinking because I know that’s not the case.

Recently I have been having the same dream, and it is rare that I even remember dreams let alone the same one each night.

In my dream I am 19 years old, it’s a Saturday and I am sitting in the dressing room of my football team enjoying the usual pre-match banter before getting changed and heading out onto the pitch and playing the game I love, pain free, injury free and carefree. My brother David playing alongside me, which usually meant me and him shouting at each other but don’t anyone dare try and foul him because I’d be there like a rocket! After the match we have a drink in the bar before heading home to get ready for a night on the Jack Daniels and coke. As I leave the house to go out bang I wake up!

every night for the past 5 days! even in my dreams I don’t get to go out anymore!

I guess it is a case of me wishing I could go back to the last part of my life when I was 100% happy with every aspect of things. I have mentioned before that having to give up football in my early 20’s has probably played a part in my depression because for the last 10 years I have had no real outlet to take my frustration away.

At this moment in time I cannot think of one thing that seems to be going right for me!

I am trying to push through the pain at the gym but there is a fine line between bravery and stupidity, bravery is signing up for a 10k run – stupidity is ignoring doctors advise and going through with it! but then I have not always been one to listen to advise!

I am conscious of the dangers I am posing to myself by pushing through the pain but feel like if I don’t at least push myself then there is no point in being there in the first place! However I do step off the treadmill when the pain changes from an ache to an “oh fuck my leg is gonna fall off” kinda pain.

In terms of my mental health benefiting from the exercise then to a point it is helping IF I can get over the feelings of anger/frustration that my body is letting me down! It would also be better for me if people were a bit more friendly within the gym environment. In the 10 days since I have been going I am yet to have someone say hello to me!

I am going to a yoga class this morning to see if that can help with the knee injury which my doctor believes is muscle related rather than the joint. This should be interesting as I have very little flexibility and am more likely to shit myself than get in any funky positions! Here’s hoping the IBS medication has kicked in before the class starts or it is going to be messy in more ways than one!

yogamoose

 

and on top of all the things going wrong for me lately tomorrow I have to attend the funeral of my great aunt who died last week!

And if I can make it through this rough patch I can make it through many more!

A Message to the Directors at Nutella

I have advertising room on this blog you know….the emails and begging letters I send keep going unanswered and lets not mention ever again the telephone conversation with the madman crying.

So please for the love of all things that are good in this world can you please send me a jar like the one below!

whats dreams are made of!

If you could also arrange for Mila Kunis to deliver it, in a bikini and a massive spoon, as well then I will change my name to Nutella Williams!

Nothing cures depression like a jar of nutella can even be your new slogan! free of charge you have my blessing.