Only way to describe the past few days would be “a right shitty spell”.
The ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) have been working their hardest to break me and sadly for me I allowed them to get the best of me.
As much as I try to stay positive, every now and again I crash and burn. Usually in to a heap hidden under the duvet.
I don’t like asking for help, not because of the man issue but because the people who I consider close to me usually just fuck off and leave.
Thankfully I am not bitter, yeah right!, and I have pushed people away recently but that had to be done for my own good.
The problem I have with ANTs is that it prevents me for being a good father, allow me to explain and you can all tell me how ridiculous I am being.
Elizabeth is only 4 years old, I only see her for a few hours a week although that has increased to 2 days a week because I miss her so much.
She tells me things that hurt, and I don’t always handle it very well. Here are some examples of things that she has said to me recently…
“Mummy told me she hates you”
“Mummy said she doesn’t love you”
“Mummy doesn’t want to talk to you”
“I wish mummy loved you and came home”
“I don’t love you”
“I dont want to see you”
so imagine how much that bothers me when I am already suffering from low self esteem and struggling to stay afloat at times.
I know it is not necessarily the truth but she must hear some of these things to come out with them, she couldn’t just pluck it out of thin air could she?
The problem is that when I am really down it makes it hard for me to see her because it upsets me, this then makes me feel like a shit dad because I am not spending enough time with her, which then sends me spiraling further. I didn’t see her last night because I felt so low.
Today is the first day since Saturday that I have felt “okay” which is an improvement believe me.
It helped that someone picked up the phone and called me, it really does make a difference to hear a voice as opposed to reading a message, some days I do not want to keep writing the same old shit. At times it feels like Groundhog Day with every day being the same. Whizz took time to call me and listen, it really made a difference and in my mind has helped me to feel better today.
I have said it many times before but I will repeat until people do it…
Pick up the phone and call someone. Talk to them and it will mean so much to that person. It was the first incoming call that was not my mum or Brandon’s mum in over a month!
As for Lilybet and her comments, I know I need to not focus on them and just enjoy our short time together. I cant help being a softie, I am lonely and this only increases my sadness.
But one thing she did say at the weekend which made me laugh
“Daddy you need to go out tonight and get a new girlfriend” so she picked out my outfit for the night…
The night was a disaster but thats another story for another time.
For now if anyone has any ANT killer please send it my way… oh and the ability to not be so damn miserable and alone would not be turned away either…