The broken moose and the rebuilding again

It seems strange that I’m back here after 2 long years, 2 years that have seen a lot of changes in the world and in the my life. I met someone who I thought would be the one, the happiness was magnificent for the longest time and I moved from London to the North East to start a new life in July last year.

As always in my life things haven’t gone to plan and now here I am starting over again with a broken heart, no friends in 300 miles and in the worst state mentally than I have been in years. In the space of a few weeks I lost my partner, which meant I had to move out of her house so I lost a home and then lost my job too. Thankfully I managed to find somewhere to live but it’s not mine, not a home and frankly I feel like I have nowhere that I can call a safe place.

Originally I was renting the house by myself but unfortunately the landlady has had to move back into the place so while I had made the place start to feel like home its now a room in a house. I am, however, thankful that she is allowing me to stay but for how long I do not know. The lack of security is really affecting my mental health and I’ve been in a terrible way.

Relationships end thats a part of life but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. On top of the grieving for the end of that and the feeling of being so alone it has been the worst period of my life since the overdose episode almost 9 years ago.

I have started a new job this past few days so hopefully things will start looking up but it feels like one step forward and 7 back. I miss my friends and family but I love it up here and want to make a life for myself. It’s just hard with no money, friends or family but I guess it could be worse couldn’t it? And so I’m starting over AGAIN and hopefully in a few months might be in a position to rent somewhere having saved a deposit up.. surely there’s light somewhere at the end of this tunnel?

In the beginning and what next for The Depressed Moose

Almost 8 years ago I was on a different journey, a dark slippery slope of depression that eventually cost me a marriage and almost my life. The Depressed Moose was born out of necessity and a deep desire to help other people, men in particular, to open up about mental health and for about 2 years it was a success. I was known on twitter, in the mental health community as someone who would speak out about the subject without worrying about the taboo nature at the time. It was not so widely spoken about back then, nowadays it’s a normal healthy subject in many ways due to it being more publicized. One of my proudest moments was when a premier league footballer recognised me from my blog at a mental health event.

I wrote books, worked alongside Mind to create the online support group elefriends and was a “go to” person for a lot of people. Many of those strangers are friends to this day, some sadly no longer with us but this blog helped save my life at a time when I was barely hanging on.

When I took a break from blogging I was in a new relationship and whilst that ultimately didnt work out it was the right decision for me at that time. New beginnings, new opportunities and a new exciting chapter in my life. Regardless of what happened it was a period of my life that gave me many lessons and challenges that the old me would’ve buckled under the emotional turmoil, I came out the other side stronger. The dark days of depression crippling me were a thing of the past…

I’ve written sporadically since those days, its been almost 3 years and in that time I’ve worked almost non stop. Considering my mental health made me unemployed for 7 years this has been a huge positive to come out of a negative situation. The downside to this is that it means I have less time to dedicate to writing and at times my passion was extinguished. Long gone are the majority of bloggers I read, times change, people change and it becomes harder to maintain, connect and market a blog.

The black dog still visits from time to time but thanks, in part, to the writing from the bad years I can look back, see the triggers and signs and stop them before it escalates too much. The dog barks from outside the garden rather than next to me.

So where does that leave this blog? Truth be told is that right now I’m not entirely sure. I will always be a mental health advocate and supporter of those wanting help, advice and a friendly ear. As this blog evolves again it may well be a mix and match place but mental health, and depression in particular will always have a place here.

For now it’s great to be sharing my life with my followers ( is it wrong to call you fans? Fuels the ego somewhat) so subject matter from my holidays away, my general adventures with Karl (consider the 2 of us as a fatter, older, more bitter and less successful Ant and Dec)

As one of my best friends said “please keep writing and I promise to keep on reading”

Pride of my place on my wall

Thank you all of you who comment, like and interact with this page. It’s great to see some old faces and meet new people.

Moose’s 30 days….day 1

I’m down in the dumps lately and there is no simple explanation for it. A combination of factors keeping the clouds overhead.

So I’ve made a promise to my best friend that I will be positive from now on in the hope it bring about a change in luck and attitude.

I dont write at all these days, I feel like no one reads it or wants to know my shit when we all have our own issues and demons to deal with. Of course that’s not the case, I’m an inspiration to others I’m #famoose!!

So here’s the deal, you keep reading, sharing, liking, commenting and I will keep writing….

30 days of positives, 30 days of posting all the good things i have in my life, things i have done to be proud of etc etc

This way you can write back with your positive things, let’s focus on what we have rather than what we dont have….. and I have so many good things if I step back and open my eyes

#mooses30days

#positivethinking

Day 1

Friends and family

I have amazing friends. Special people who put up with my impulsiveness, dad dancing, cocktail drinking, sarcasm, womanizing (in my head only lol) and general rollercoaster emotional state.

Without them I’d be a long time gone.

Thanks Amy, Karl, Sonny, Antonella, Mary and Maria in particular. Always supportive, never judgemental and absolutely blunt when needed.

My amazing kids Brandon and Lilybet, my sister Amy and my new family at the Railway Bell. Colleagues or punters all part of an exciting new circle of people in my life that I’m enjoying being a part of…

Thank you all!!!

May not always show gratitude but I try when I can…

Moose Talks – The Journey Begins

https://themoosetalks.wordpress.com/2018/04/15/the-journey-begins/

I have a dream job, to be able to create my own company and be a prominent person in the world of mental health, promoting good practice, helping people find support services etc.

As someone who has seen mental health affect myself, loved ones as a sufferer and as a partner of someone with mental health i feel I’m in a good position to offer support and advice for people.

The question is how to go about it? Where do I start, how do I begin and get the ball rolling?

If i had money behind me I would love to give this a try. Imagine the possibilities, finally making a living doing something I am passionate about and making a difference to the lives of others too.

I’m not looking to make millions, but to at least make a living and a difference and as more and more people are made aware of mental health, but less funding is available for services could there be some potential in this?

Moose Talks – The Journey Begins

Goodbye 30s…thanks for nothing

Tonight is my last night in my 30s and I can’t wait to see the back of what can only be described as a cluster fuck of a decade.

It started so well, newly married, baby on the way but has ended up a fucking disaster…

My 30s have consisted of…

• Failed marriage and divorce
• Depression
• A suicide attempt
• An abusive relationship
• Losing too many friends/family
• Losing myself

However lets turn some of it around. Despite all the bad stuff I’ve survived, at one point it was touch and go. I nearly didn’t see 35 let alone 40.

At the moment I’m going through an awful period mentally. The black dog is barking and biting hard and its been a real struggle. A combination of still having a chest infection for months, over working and being haunted by memories have dragged me down to a low dark place.

I remember things too well, something innocuous can send me spirraling backwards or into a tailspin that can take weeks to recover from.

When one of your best friends uses the phrase “doing a Garry” and follows it up with “When things are going well and looking up you suddenly feel the need to self destruct” you start to question things.

Is that what I do?

I mean all I really want is to find that special someone, live a drama free life and be happy and loved but am I so damaged that I’m subconsciously self destructing as a coping mechanism? A way of preventing opportunities arising to protect myself from anymore hurt and pain?

It’s not just the theory of one but of a couple of people, people that know me the best.

I’m lucky to have friends like these who see through the front, the bravado, the cockiness etc and tell me what I don’t want to hear but NEED to hear.

I need to find a way out of this slump. I want to get my arse back to the training again, I’ve made one session this month for various reasons.

If I could choose a gift for my birthday it would be the gift of self discipline, I need to reach down deep yet again and find a way to channel things into a positive solution. I’ve slipped backed into old dangerous habits and I know only one person can pull me out of it.

Yet behind the flirtatious, cheeky, did he really just say that persona is a man who just wants to find his passion for life again.

At 40 I should know what i want but still have no fucking idea, career wise, life wise. At which point does it become too late? I don’t want to lose my faith in the happy ever after BUT… It’s ebbing away slowly.

So as I start my 40s I want them to be spectacular, eventful, happy, joyous and life changing. No more hurting, self destructing, letting memories haunt me.

They say life begins at 40…. I truly fucking hope so because I can’t take another decade like the last one.

Saying goodbye to the people I’ve loved over the years and closing the chapter on everything thats hurt me since I hit 30, especially the last 6 years is the start.

Here I come into my naughty forties…..tomorrow morning Im going to wake up, smile, be thankful and spend the precious few days I have off work getting my groove back.

Moosey turning 40

One year on

Today marks a year since my world fell apart and I was hurt like never before. I could have broke down, I could have spiralled into a depression, I could have gone off the rails and I could have wasted 12 months feeling hurt, bitter, angry and sorry for myself…

Except I haven’t done any of those things…

I’ve just had the most productive 12 months of my life in terms of personal growth, development and re-educating myself on the great person I am.

I’ve rediscovered old friendships, rebuilt broken ones, made new ones and basically had a fucking ball as often as I wanted to.

Im living life my way, not being told how to do it, free from shackles, chains, gaslighting, abuse, lies and pretty much drama free and frankly the shit I went through needs to be thanked for making me the way I am today.

Do I get the odd bad days/weeks? Of course I do but the difference now is that I’m allowed to have them and ride them out in my own way.

I’m still doing this 6 week challenge and I’ve lost 14 lbs. Not as much as I’d like BUT, im happy with it as the 6 weeks comes to a close. I had to miss 3 sessions because of the black dog and took my eyes of the prize for a week or so. That’s my responsibilty…That’s on me.

This challenge has been amazing for me. It has given me a new direction, a new outlet, a new group of friends and today im loving life. I’ve even signed up to continue after the 6 weeks is over. Exercise classes 3 times a week minimum, healthier eating choices and a group of men who just encourage each other to keep going.

I will write more on the wonders of 30+ mens fitness in a seperate post over the weekend but suffice to say its been a great impulse decision…

And it’s rare my impulse decisions work out for the best…

I can look back on the last 12 months with a victorious smile

• Holiday to Majorca
• Reopening this blog
• Working every shift with not one day sickness, no matter how black the clouds were
• Losing a stone in weight…so far (More to come watch this space)
• Finding Garry again
• Learning to love myself again
• Being a part of a great group of people
• Remembering my blessings in life, friends, family etc

You tried to break me, you made me stronger, you made me become a better me again.

So for this reason I thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart because there’s one thing that will result from this last year and that is I will never again find myself feeling unloved, unwanted, unhappy again.

AND THATS HOW WINNING IS DONE!!!

And just like that….gone forever. No more bad memories, no more hating myself.

The 12 months is now all about the amazing memories I’ve made on my own terms and the future is looking fantastic.

And this time last year i couldn’t have dreamed being able to write something so positive now.

Don’t give up on yourself….

About the Moose

As I have more new followers I thought maybe it would be good to tell you more about me. Even as a reintroduction to my old followers and update you on the man behind the moose.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with “high intensity depression” this set me on the path of blogging as I wanted to share my story to help others (men in particular, who are not as open about mental health).

I live in East London, England and manage a post office in Essex.

I’m 39 years old and in November will turn 40, frankly I will be glad to see the back of my 30s as for the most part they have been fucking awful.

I have two wonderful kids Brandon is 18 now and just got into Brunel university, lilybet is 9 and is just a sweetheart.

Since I started this journey i have been married, divorced, engaged and now I’m single and rebuilding. My hearts fragile and stupid but its part of my charm that I love too much and too easily (maybe?)

I have a wonderful group of friends, Karl Amy, Debbie, Mary, Antonella and Ali who no matter what have always been there for me. As well as many others who I can count on when needed and for these people im very fortunate to have in my life. Even if I drive them mad by not listening at times.

Despite suffering from depression, homeless periods and low self esteem I have managed to be a person who I hope people know they can come to for help, advice, a place to vent and general amoosement (amusement! See what I did there)

I smoke too much, I eat too much, I weigh too much and have more chins than I would like….

I love people, being around others. I feed off other peoples company and like being the centre of attention.

Im determined to make this blog as successful as it was in its prime 5 years ago. I like sharing my stories with people. I chose not to be anonymous (anonymoose) when I started so that people could put a face to the blogs and as a result have made many new friends from all over the world.

I have 3 books on Amazon. Available in paperback and kindle formats. These are the proudest achievements of my life besides my awesome kids. I’ve sold about 1000 books!! Mainly to myself but still..

I’m a survivor. I’ve been at rock bottom attempted an overdose and come through it. If i can…you can

Im happy. Genuinely happy. Despite the shit I’ve been through i have reached a point in my life where I enjoy my own company and have everything I need right now.

I also run a successful escort service where im available for hours nights weeks and long haul cruises and holidays….. I mean this may not be true but putting it out there just in case there is a market for it

Oh and I happen to think im very funny. My colleagues at work may be sick of hearing the same jokes multiple times a day but i still giggle like a child everytime.

So there you have it. An update on Garry Aka Moose. 39 single and remembering all the good I offer, whilst ignoring the bad…

Moose on tour

One more sleep. Well technically 2 but there’s no way I will be getting any sleep tomorrow night, especially having to be at the airport at the crack of a sparrows dart! But its almost here.

20 years, broken heart, broken mind and broken spirit since my last trip out of good ole England and im determined to make it a life changing experience.

I want to come back refreshed reinvigorated and maybe reinvented or at the very least moose version 2. My head is clearer than its been for weeks, and whilst other issues still linger in leaving them behind and taking charge of what baggage i take with me.

Moose is ready!

Bags are (almost) packed last minute clothes shopping done and in 36 hours or so i will set foot in Majorca ready for a week of sun sea sex (I can dream lol) and sorting myself out good and proper.

Obviously I wish it was different and I wasn’t going alone but it is what it is. I’m going to enjoy the experience no matter what and maybe one day will have someone worthy of a holiday with me. Certainly im no longer feeling like im not good enough because when the right person comes along at the right time it will all fall into place.

Expect plenty of updates over the next week or so. Moose is coming along for the trip and will share as much as possible with you.

For a week at least good bye depression, broken heart, low self esteem and negativity

Now if only I could find my passport….

Singers Sing, Dancers Dance

And writers write!

This was originally posted on another site of mine. Updated and improved now.

I’m a writer and I love feeling creative and believe I have a talent for writing. I get a buzz from sharing my writing and being confident enough in my ability to write and make it interesting and engaging for you the reader.

Having taken time out for a few weeks and dealing with other shit in my life I can feel my creative juices flowing again and feel ready to start blogging again.

I wont talk about the past 10 months its a period of time that I have processed and consigned to the history books. I’ve accepted my faults and my failings, my share of the blame and now its gone. No more feelings no more anger no more pain no emotion at all about whats happened. I’m gonna have bad days naturally but its more important how I deal with them than reflecting on “what ifs”

Right now I’m in a good place and feel happy. Im not gonna stop doing what I enjoy and I’m going to unshackle myself from negativity and focus on myself only.

I am lucky enough to have some very good friends who haven’t turned their backs on me but encourage, listen and advise in equal measure and i know they will be happy to see me writing again.

Today im free, happy and positive and I intend to stay that way. Im changing my habitual negativity and reinforcing all the good in my life.

Lets see what the dating world has to offer. Lets see how I do with reconnecting with lost friends and more importantly lets see how this new mindset changes my life for the better.

I want to be known as someone who openly talks about depression again. Not as a victim but as a survivor, someone people look up to and who people can turn to.

I stood up in a room full of strangers and spoke about my admiration and respect for anyone who has been like me, suicidal and rock bottom yet says “fuck you” every morning and gets on with it no matter what. Do you know what happened? Spontaneous applause.

5 or 6 years ago there were a lot more blogs about depression, now there seems to be very few, especially from men. The more awareness about mental health generated over that period has been great yet still there is stigma and misunderstanding about it. I talk to people about depression and they seem surprised how bad I was years ago. That’s the beauty of being able to laugh, joke and smile on the outside when inside you’re screaming for release.

Keep going keep trying and the bad day last 24 hours only. I cant predict what’s around the corner, change of career, more books, acting? Who knows and right now my focus is on day by day.

But I can promise you all this. If you need someone to talk to, someone to just listen or offer advice then you simply find me on facebook or Twitter and my inbox is always open. No matter whats going on in my life I always make sure im available for others. Pay it forward! People are there for me when I need them and the offer is reciprocated.

I hope to write more often again, not just about my feelings etc but to inspire people. I spent 5 years unable to work because of mental health and now I’m working full time. I hope to share some tips that help me. It doesnt mean to say what works for me will work for others but as i say to people “own your illness, dont let it define you and take control” and thats half the battle.

Happy Moose Happy Garry

Recovery from a break up is hard going and emotionally draining. It requires a painful mixture of self reflection, acceptance, acknowledgement and letting go of love and dreams. There is no time line when it comes to healing and certainly no handbook on dealing with the issues and potential baggage that can follow you around afterwards.

If you have a scab and keep picking at it the wound remains open and takes longer to heal each time. I guess I’ve been a scab picker for months almost letting it heal then reopening the wound. Its almost sado masochistic in the sense that I was encouraging myself to feel pain.

Eventually I found myself enjoying the pain less and less finding the whole scab picking tedious and detrimental to my life and as im a cold hearted bastard I knew I’d reach a point of shutting down and switching off my feelings.

Im often told im a negative person “glass half empty” kind of person and by nature have a miserable looking face, I dispute that last one to be honest its not a miserable face its the weight of my chins pulling my smile down into a frown….but thats a different story

I made a conscious effort to be positive and happy. To stop putting myself in a position of vulnerability and hurt and take back whats mine. My self respect, my dignity and my life.

I feel like a new me, a happier me again. Like the Garry of old before I was worn down and stopped looking after myself.

I am a good person, I have a great sense of humour a warm personality and many other good qualities. Sure I fuck up at all times but show me a human who doesn’t get it wrong and I’ll show you a liar.

I’m ready to start living in the now and not the past, make plans with friends meet someone new eventually and never look back again. No baggage, no hang ups and no letting my limitations and expectations being dropped.

Im happy again and no matter what gets thrown my way I’m gonna keep smiling.

I want to live again and try new things. Its 20 years this year since I went abroad for a holiday! Now is a good opportunity as its also my 40th birthday this year. Could i really just book myself a trip somewhere and spend my 40th on my own in a foreign place? Or who knows by then (November 29th get the date in your diary for cards and presents) I could have met someone and be starting my 40s with someone special. You just dont know whats around the corner do you but I’m ready to experience a happier life again.

My Facebook page, which can be found here is becoming more popular and I’m enjoying the contributions from people and reacquainting myself with some old friends.

I’m also attending an acting class on Fridays now as a new outlet which so far is great, despite working too much lately there are lots of potentially new exciting opportunities on the horizon. Working on a new book, possibly writing plays, even acting who knows. I’m meeting new people, spending time with friends and generally being me again. If I can make you laugh when you’re at my counter at work, or in my company then I’m happy.

After all I’m a funny guy! Gratuitous Goodfellas scene opportunity! contains strong language but a classic…

Outlet, Outlet, Outlet. Cannot emphasis enough how important is it to have one. Obviously what works for me might not be what works for you but unless you try something different you just do not know what will be your thing. Trial and error is key. Getting something wrong is not failing, its trying to improve yourself and that’s never a bad thing.