One year on

Today marks a year since my world fell apart and I was hurt like never before. I could have broke down, I could have spiralled into a depression, I could have gone off the rails and I could have wasted 12 months feeling hurt, bitter, angry and sorry for myself…

Except I haven’t done any of those things…

I’ve just had the most productive 12 months of my life in terms of personal growth, development and re-educating myself on the great person I am.

I’ve rediscovered old friendships, rebuilt broken ones, made new ones and basically had a fucking ball as often as I wanted to.

Im living life my way, not being told how to do it, free from shackles, chains, gaslighting, abuse, lies and pretty much drama free and frankly the shit I went through needs to be thanked for making me the way I am today.

Do I get the odd bad days/weeks? Of course I do but the difference now is that I’m allowed to have them and ride them out in my own way.

I’m still doing this 6 week challenge and I’ve lost 14 lbs. Not as much as I’d like BUT, im happy with it as the 6 weeks comes to a close. I had to miss 3 sessions because of the black dog and took my eyes of the prize for a week or so. That’s my responsibilty…That’s on me.

This challenge has been amazing for me. It has given me a new direction, a new outlet, a new group of friends and today im loving life. I’ve even signed up to continue after the 6 weeks is over. Exercise classes 3 times a week minimum, healthier eating choices and a group of men who just encourage each other to keep going.

I will write more on the wonders of 30+ mens fitness in a seperate post over the weekend but suffice to say its been a great impulse decision…

And it’s rare my impulse decisions work out for the best…

I can look back on the last 12 months with a victorious smile

  • Holiday to Majorca
  • Reopening this blog
  • Working every shift with not one day sickness, no matter how black the clouds were
  • Losing a stone in weight…so far (More to come watch this space)
  • Finding Garry again
  • Learning to love myself again
  • Being a part of a great group of people
  • Remembering my blessings in life, friends, family etc

You tried to break me, you made me stronger, you made me become a better me again.

So for this reason I thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart because there’s one thing that will result from this last year and that is I will never again find myself feeling unloved, unwanted, unhappy again.

AND THATS HOW WINNING IS DONE!!!

And just like that….gone forever. No more bad memories, no more hating myself.

The 12 months is now all about the amazing memories I’ve made on my own terms and the future is looking fantastic.

And this time last year i couldn’t have dreamed being able to write something so positive now.

Don’t give up on yourself….

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Week 2 completed and other musings

Another week down and its still going great. The body is responding and I’m improving my durability in terms of the physical aspects of exercising again.

Sticking to the eating plan is getting easier and despite nearly throwing up trying cabbage so far so good.

I’ve lost 10 lbs so far and I’m pleased with that yet i know there’s more to come from within and more limits to be pushed. For the first time ever im not over eating or binge eating. I’m excited to start week 3 and see more improvements.

I can see a difference already… can you?

Its not about just changing for 6 weeks though, this is about changing nearly 30 years of bad habits and with my new improved mindset im going to make this forever.

In terms of mindset and my mental health I can honestly state that this is the best i have felt in 15 years! Im liking myself again and what i have to offer. I’m not a victim to anything im a warrior and survivor.

I look at the man in the mirror and actually like who I see now. That’s a massive change. The years may not have been kind but the harsh reality is that I am 39 not 21.

The smile has returned, the eyes are sparkling with that little hint of naughtiness again and I feel amazing.

One more major hurdle to overcome and I’m back to the pre depressed Garry. To the person who i loved. Others not so much lol but them this moose is like marmite. You either love or hate. I care not either way and genuinely mean that. I’ve spent too long being a modified version of myself to please others.

I have no anger, no hatred, nothing negative in my head or my heart. I’m cleansed, born again and living the life i want with me as the actor, writer and director of the Garry show.

I may not be everyones cup of tea but im changing for no one. I’m a mental health campaigner, advocate, survivor of depression and fucking awesome guy.

Speaking of when I was 21 check out this photo….

Hair and one chin!! The good ole days 😂

Week 1 over

First week of the 6 week challenge is over already. I ache in places that have never ached before. My diet has never seen such a lack of burgers/chips and Pepsi max shares have fallen as I’m not drinking it either. Water huh? Who knew……

But despite the aches, the hunger and the lack of crisps, chocolate and junk food Im loving it.

I’m aching cos im active using my arms and legs properly not just to walk to the kebab shop (not that I walk there-i drive but you get the gist)

There is a great group of men all doing rhis challenge and all being very supportive throughout the sessions and on the facebook group and its been great for me mentally already.

My head is clearer than its been since I got back from Majorca and it feels great to be in control again.

I will get the results i want because i still have more to give. I’m cautious still, my knee is trying to stop me but I have to push through the pain whilst at the same time trying not to injure myself.

The hardest part so far is the frustration in my head at not being able to physically do what my head expects is possible…yet

I need to remind myself that im closing in on 40 so this will take time. What was easy 20 years ago isnt now. I’m not as active or fit as i was then but week by week i will improve.

This isn’t just about the 6 weeks its about changing 30 years of bad habits.

Food wise im eating smaller portions of better foods and I’ve already lost 7lbs…

Encouraging start but still long way to go and seeing the first result has given me extra motivation and belief in myself that I can do this 20lb target easily….

Big thank you to those supporting me on my Facebook page. Your encouragement really helps. If you haven’t visited me on there look me up, like the page and spread the word. There are some great people on there and I’m certainly more active and visible on Facebook than here….

Week 2 starts tomorrow BRING IT ON!!!!

Changing Moose

The past month has been hedonistic to say the least. Even Charlie Sheen called me and asked me to slow down. Its not healthy for me mentally and actually its just making things worse, fun as it has been.

When your friend feels the need to have a quiet word and you can sense the worried tone in his voice its time to wake up again and get head out of the sand and face reality.

So let’s call the last month my “Goodbye 30s blow out month” and never speak of it again….

As the saying goes “What happens in your Goodbye 30s blowout month stays in your Goodbye 30s blowout month”…..

Im affected by memories and anniversary dates and finally figured out why I’ve been off the rails so much lately and thanks to Karl’s well chosen words and support its time to move onwards and upwards.

As my old friend weegee would say “keep on keeping on”

There are just over 2 months before my 40th birthday and I need to find a new outlet. Random sex with strangers is not helping matters and I’ve run out of “I slept with the Depressed Moose” t-shirts to hand out so i need something more rewarding and challenging.

With that in mind I have signed up for a 6 weeks fitness and nutritional boot camp to get my arse into gear and hopefully be able to use the endophines to improve my mental health. Weight loss is the aim as well as getting fitter because the way I see myself now is getting me down. Even if its more in my head than how others see me I would like to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see rather than be embarrassed. Hell maybe even look down and see my toes again…

Its going to be a real challenge, I have to try changing my whole diet, my eating habits and lifestyle and truth be told I’m a lazy bastard who really doesnt think I’m worth the effort….

I had my weigh in today no getting out of it now so here are my facts as I start tomorrow

  • Weight 225lbs
  • Stomach measurement 43 inches
  • Chest measurement 42 inches
  • Hips measurement 43 inches

The target weight loss in 6 weeks is 20lbs which should be achievable but im aiming to at least be under 200lbs by the time this is up.

3 exercise classes a week and better food choices should make it easier.

I’m both excited and anxious. The last time I really exercised properly was 5 years ago training for the Bupa 10k run I did.

I need something and I just hope this is what I need….

Wish me luck and if you see me in Epping anywhere near a burger slap it out my hands quick!!

An Insight into my head right now

No editing, No deleting just free writing letting out the contradictions and emotions….

Impulsive, reckless and not reading the signs

What consequences? It’s my life and my journey

Its about living in the present not the past or the future

One decision making a seismic change to your attitude in general

See me? I’m changing for nobody. I am who I am and what I am

I smoke too much i weigh too much i swear too much and I fuck too much but…it’s on me to change the things I want changing

Your opinions are valid to you unless i ask for them I will dance to beat of my own drum

If I want you in my life in loyal to the end. Karl Amy Ant Mary Maria Ali Debbie and my brother (and his family) no matter what im there if you need it no questions asked. We bury the evidence and never speak of it again.

I’m not broken im just never going to be the same. Improved? That’s up for debate but never again the person I once was

Missing, loving,wanting, hating, angry, disappointed

Growing, adapting, recovering, changing

If I told her that I loved you

You’d maybe think there’s something wrong
I’m not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
But those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost” (shape of heart-sting)


“Are you lost

In your lies?
Do you tell yourself “I don’t realize”?
Your crusade’s a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives
I’m aware of what you’ve done
No, no more sorrow
I’ve paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced
I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abused power with greed
I had hope
I believed
But I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived
You will pay for what you’ve done (no more sorrow- linkin park)

Changes are coming, for better or for worse. I fight I struggle I smile I keep going

Defeated momentarily yet one step ahead

Those who know me see the signs, they know when to reach out.

I’m here for those who need me, yet not there for myself

And yet…..maybe just maybe….The shoots of recovery are leading me back to a version of myself I liked, flirty, fun, inappropriate, the life and soul and when the day comes i can once again look in the mirror and be happy with what i see…. I will thank you and show my gratitude in ways you didnt expect

My friends, my family, my kids never stopped believing in me, time i realised why.

Im a winner, my time is coming and I need to make sure im ready.

I’m not ready how can i be when i dont even know what i want

I wasn’t going to post this. It’s random jumbled up letters and words forming sentences in a way thats confusing for me let alone you…..

But it clears space in my head for the pieces to fall into place..eventually.

And just like that…The black dog barks a little less viciously..

The Evolution of Garry

Over a week since my holiday ended and I’m pleased to say there are no holiday blues, No signs of the normal crash that follows a happy period of my life, just moving on to the next part…. the dreaded 40th birthday that is coming in November.

I read a lot of blogs currently, although there certainly doesn’t seem to be as many as when this blog was in its heyday and as I read them it makes me realise just how much I have evolved over the years and how lucky I am that I learned to spot my triggers and warning signs.

The thing with depression is that if you’re not aware, not on guard and able to spot the patterns of behaviour it will creep up and take hold of you. A few weeks ago I went to my GP and got some antidepressants. I haven’t taken any. I haven’t needed to if truth be told but just unloading to someone impartial and getting it off my chest properly helped.

Of course the holiday played a huge part too. Doing something I’ve never done before and putting myself into a position where I could’ve been vulnerable and coming through it in a better than ever frame of mind showed me the strength I have. So much so that I have already booked my return trip to Cala Millor in June/July next year.

So here is my point…

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

I’ve had to evolve, take myself out my comfort zone and challenge myself. Change my routine because it wasn’t working for me.

Reading other peoples blogs I can see how they are in the same rut I was 5 years ago because the patterns are the same. It’s not just about mental heath but life in general, things wont just happen unless you do something to make it happen.

And if I can…… So can you!!

If I can put myself through the torture of match.com and tinder again, knowing how unlikely it is people will be interested in me, whats stopping you from making tweaks in your life to make it better.

Put yourself out there and good things will happen eventually.

I’m evolving and reconnecting with myself at the same time. I used to hate being alone all the time, now i enjoy my own company. I’m not afraid of being single and the dating world again. Rejection is part of life and so is getting hurt. It wont prevent me from putting myself out there because as my good mate Karl says “Garry is a bit of a romantic” and he is right. I do want my happy ever after, my last first kiss and all that soppy shit and one day I will find it… if she would get her arse into gear and hurry up that would be nice 😃

In the mean time I’m happy finding Garry again and doing things for me. My writing love has returned and I’m reaching out to more and more people.

Life is good right now and it’s because of me working at making it good. The rewards were worth the effort.

If you’re struggling remember Im always available via my facebook page. I never turn down anyone who reaches out to me.

Last full day

Today is the last day of my holiday of a lifetime. It has been the best experience of my life.

I’m ready to go home now and get back to reality and improving myself when I return. I feel reinvigorated rejuvenated and refreshed and have really made the most of my time away.

It’s been amazing not having to worry about the other shit thats gone on and can actually feel like im in control of my destiny.

Changes will be made in terms of my attitude towards people and events and im no longer going to put myself in situations that do not ultimately benefit or enhance my life. People who hurt me will no longer get a second chance. I’m not so desperate for love that I will accept anything.

I’m going to look into courses to improve myself. Definately going to look into learning Spanish as i will be returning to Cape Millor again. The place is stunning.

I’m ready for the next chapter of my life. The last chapter has been ripped out and consigned to the past forever. No more looking back. My head is great my strength is back and im now focused on me again.

I’ve set records for steps taken, I’ve been out exploring daily not just sat around the pool and I’ve loved every single second of it.

I have also proved to myself that I can cope on my own and that’s huge to finally acknowledge that. Now i can choose to be with someone because i want to not cos i feel i have to be with someone.

Enhance my life and improve it or its “adios”

This time tomorrow i will be sitting in the airport waiting for my flight but moose will forever more hold Cala Millor in his heart

Life-changing

Truth is I was worried about going abroad on my own. As much as I like my company I much prefer being around others and if you hadnt noticed this about me- being the centre of attention.

This holiday is life changing for me. I can genuinely say there has not been a time in my life when I have felt so relaxed and chilled out.

No one to tell me where to go, what to do or lie to me lol its heaven and I’m certainly going to travel more often on the back of this!

Do I wish I had a special someone here to enjoy this with? Of course but I’m making the most of my life being what it is right now and making memories for me. Who knows whats around the corner. I’m ready to meet someone again and when the times right she will make herself known, until then its my time for making Garry better, and making me a priority.

I’m loving my life right now, loving Majorca and happy!!

Depression and negativity was left at the airport and I won’t be picking that particular baggage up on my return. Instead im gonna work hard and save for my next holiday..

If you’re on facebook head over to my page where im posting live videos and photos. Not even sorry for the amount…

click here to like the page, share it comment and enjoy!

Here are some photos for you. Excuse the fat bloke in the pictures, thats me 😭

And yes, any single ladies out there will be pleased to know im available….

Moose on tour

One more sleep. Well technically 2 but there’s no way I will be getting any sleep tomorrow night, especially having to be at the airport at the crack of a sparrows dart! But its almost here.

20 years, broken heart, broken mind and broken spirit since my last trip out of good ole England and im determined to make it a life changing experience.

I want to come back refreshed reinvigorated and maybe reinvented or at the very least moose version 2. My head is clearer than its been for weeks, and whilst other issues still linger in leaving them behind and taking charge of what baggage i take with me.

Moose is ready!

Bags are (almost) packed last minute clothes shopping done and in 36 hours or so i will set foot in Majorca ready for a week of sun sea sex (I can dream lol) and sorting myself out good and proper.

Obviously I wish it was different and I wasn’t going alone but it is what it is. I’m going to enjoy the experience no matter what and maybe one day will have someone worthy of a holiday with me. Certainly im no longer feeling like im not good enough because when the right person comes along at the right time it will all fall into place.

Expect plenty of updates over the next week or so. Moose is coming along for the trip and will share as much as possible with you.

For a week at least good bye depression, broken heart, low self esteem and negativity

Now if only I could find my passport….