Second Chances – A Book By Garry Williams

I started a novel in September last year but have been unable to continue with it since then. I wanted to show you the prologue and get your opinion on the start so far – hopefully so positive comments will inspire me to get started again.

so here goes…

Prologue

 

Alone in the apartment, the silence of the room was deafening. Not even the recognisable familiar hum of the fridge-freezer, no noise coming from the Television, with the smashed screen destroyed in another fit of rage and frustration.

Just one single person curled up into a ball, unaware of the fact that it has been almost 4 days since he last moved. The electric had long since gone because he needed to put some money on to the key meter and couldn’t leave the sanctuary of home, couldn’t face the world outside.

The sun breaks through the windows and the warmth of its rays brings about a stirring, and suddenly the man is awake and full of intent, the nightmares have brought a moment of clarity and a way to finally ease the pain.

It would be so easy to end it all, no one would notice, days even weeks would pass before someone thinks to themselves “Haven’t seen Michael Walker for a while, I wonder if he is ok”

The so called “easy way out” seems so appealing, a simple yet effective way to bring an end to this life. It is easier said than done though because although Michael is an unhappy man he is not a brave one. Something as important as ending his life would take planning to make sure it was done properly. He always joked about how unlucky he was and deep down he knew if he attempted suicide he would only get it wrong.

And yet, this time he was serious about it all, his friends had long since given up on him. They had grown tired of his bitterness, the lack of vibrancy that once made him Mr Popular, the man everyone could turn to in an emergency to set the world to rights.

“Lock up your daughters here comes Michael” was a regular battle cry in brighter times as he would always manage to leave the night clubs with a different woman each week. Michael was a charmer, he had the ability to make anyone feel comfortable in his company. Women never stood a chance around him he had the lot, the looks, the confidence and most importantly he was a gentleman, in public at least.

But that was then and things changed the moment he met Isabella, the beauty who seemed so unobtainable. Michael fell head over heals in love and fell hard and fast, she had everything he looked for in a woman and before long he had given up everything to be with her.

Five years of bliss were painfully ripped away from him when one rainy night after a rare argument she walked out of the restaurant in tears, straight into the path of a stolen car, she never stood a chance and was pronounced dead on the scene. Michael held her in his arms as she took her last breath and struggled to let her body be taken away to the morgue. Only the sounds of the sirens from the Ambulance and Police cars could be heard above his screams of anguish.

Every night since that accident, approaching the second anniversary, was spent the same way. An empty bottle of Jack Daniels in one hand and a photo frame, with the last photograph taken of Isabella and Michael, across his chest Michael would finally drift off into sleep where he would again be reunited with his love.

 

How Has Depression Changed You?

I would be interested to hear if people think having depression has changed their life for the better?

We all know about the negatives that come from depression but there are circumstances that can occur as a result of this illness that may have had an unexpected impact in a positive light. Something that may have happened due to your depression that would not have happened otherwise.

Let me explain

Before being diagnosed with depression I was moody, short tempered, closed off from people – especially my wife, unhappy, unwilling to try anything new that was not mafia wars. My days were basically consisting of sitting at the PC playing mafia wars with the occasional human interaction added in (grudgingly) and lets not forget the suicidal feelings as well

I could barely face up to my own problems let alone think about other peoples. The idea of making myself available to others as a person people could look up to and ask advice from was a million miles from being possible.

I did not really have an idea that I was even depressed, I was aware of some of the symptoms from dealing my Uncle but never took a real hard look at myself and saw the signs until it was almost too late.

I guess the biggest relief for me when the Dr told me I had depression because then I had a reason for my strange behaviour and change in personality. I remember leaving the Drs with a huge weight having been lifted after the appointment and this is why, for me, I find it so important to encourage people to see their Dr and get diagnosed. There is nothing worse than thinking there is something wrong with you but not knowing what it is!

To carry on with my explanation.

Without having depression I would never even considered writing a blog let alone books. The only thing in my BD (before depression) days I would have known to write about would have how to play mafia wars, or how to make money from mafia wars (I once had an online store where I sold weapons, accounts and other items to the tune of $1000 a month!) but now I spend my time researching depression, writing and even trying to be a fund raiser for charity with the poetry book.

This all from a purely about me standpoint if I look at my relationship with Sheryl I would say having depression has helped that blossom as well because she now knows why I was so moody, always so tired etc.

I am blessed to be married to such a wonderful woman, who shows understanding above and beyond expectations. Our marriage has never been better because I took the steps to get help rather than just continuing to deny I needed help. There are days when there is a strain because of my need to sleep when exhausted but she never complains and accepts me as I am these days. She is my best friend and I can talk to her about anything these days knowing she will give me unconditional love and support. The power of talking to your loved one cannot be underestimated especially with something like depression.

I am very fortunate to have her in my life especially as my immediate family are so selfish they don’t ever contact me, in fact in a recent discussion with Sheryl I told her that if anything happened to me that she was not to let them know because they play no part in my life. They would not know if I was dead or alive because unless I initiate contact with them I never hear from them. I do not have people like that in my life.

I feel sorry for Brandon and Elizabeth because they have no relationship with their grandparents, uncles and aunty from side of the family but it is not them missing out. Hell my family did not even congratulate me on writing a book when I told them about it.

Hmmm I seem to have gone off point again…

So as I was (attempting) to say I can look back at the last 6 months since officially being diagnosed as the most productive in my life. Without suffering from depression I would not be a blogger, an author, a confidante to others and for that I can say I am grateful that depression, and my fight against it, has helped to mold me  into the depressed moose I am today.

What good has happened to you?

 

Honest Sunday

Following on from my absolute BS post yesterday about feeling better I have to come clean and admit that I am really struggling again.

I am now completely run down to the point where I now have a cold (please God don’t let it be man flu) and the signs of bronchitis just to compound my misery.

My energy levels are at an all time low due to lack of decent sleep for the past few weeks. My mood is down, my motivation has gone.

Writing anything of note is apparently out of my capabilities currently, the number of posts I have in my trash file has increased 10 fold the last week, my novel has stalled completely and I feel like nothing is ever going to go right for me.

Every single thing that I used to enjoy, like reading my mafia books, does nothing for me anymore!

And my sex drive has gone awol too which doesn’t help my shitty mood either!

I am having second thought about keeping the dog now as well. I am sick of him waking me up early every morning clawing at me, my back looks like Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct has been at it!

Last time I had scratches like that down my back was during a rather exciting alcohol fueled romp!

The dog is just too much responsibility than I can handle right now, I can barely look after myself at the moment!

Presently I am just one miserable, angry and bitter person and it pisses me off!

It annoys me that I feel like I have to lie to myself (and you) that I am doing well when it could not be further from the truth. It is funny that I get such a kick out of helping other people with depression but cannot seem to help myself.

The biggest thrill in my life at the moment comes from helping out strangers and knowing that something I have said or written has made them seek help, especially men as I know how hard it is to admit their is a need for help.

To top it all off someone very kindly used the donate button on my blog for me to purchase my paperback books and would you believe the effing things have not turned up yet and appear to be lost in the post! Imagine being so poor you cannot afford your own books LOL

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Thus it appears that tricking myself into believing I am better does not work wonders so it is back to the drawing board on that.

 

Paperback Writer

 

Yeah I know I could have used the beetles track of the same name but the sterophonics Mister Writer fits in better with how I feel lol

I have made a paperback version of my book “Diary of The Depressed Moose” I ordered my copy yesterday but got to wait 2 weeks for delivery! Cannot wait till it arrives and it will take pride of place on my bookshelf!

If anyone wants to order the paperback come to London and I will sign it for you 🙂

I realise this decreases the value but hey I have been practising my signature all my life, as you do when you dream of being a footballer, so could be a good time to make some use of the signature.

For a fee you can even have your picture taken with me and the book 🙂

well you know gotta try and make some money somehow

Head over to https://www.createspace.com/3979255 and there is my book waiting for someone to order it and be printed! The price is higher but then it will be seeing as someone has to cut down the trees and make the paper, and then print the book. Value for money though well of course it is 😀

Then again if you want the e book version it is on amazon for kindle owners or smashwords for more formats.

Don’t be shy give it a try!

 

 

Moose Blowing his own Trumpet

Just because I can and because I am so proud of myself check out the reviews my book has had so far:

5.0 out of 5 stars Diary of the Depressed Moose

10 Aug 2012

By Kitkat

After discovering and following Garry Williams on Twitter, I was taken aback by the sheer honesty of his writings, his willingness to open up about himself and most refreshingly of all, his willingness to reveal his identity!Any of you who have read Garry Williams’ blog will know that he writes from the heart, holding nothing back and revealing things that leaves one feeling like they truly know the writer, as if he’s a friend you’ve known all your life. Having never met the man and having only known about him for a short period, this book was a remarkable insight into his life and events that led to his development of depression. The reader feels privileged to be learning in depth facts about the author and comes away from the book as if one were reading a book about an old friend.

Several times throughout the book sentences jumped out at me as being profound in their meaning and highly quotable for years to come. Knowing that I would be reviewing the book after reading it, I was looking for things to quote, things to be both positive and negative about.

Notable Quotes: far too many to be published in a review!

Positives: Extremely honest and refreshing to read, particularly as it was written by a man!

Negative: I’m sorry Garry, I found a negative! Being a Man U fan I struggled to see how Arsenal losing a match could make you feel down so that was the one part I couldn’t relate to! Joking aside, the only real negative in the book is the fact that it could leave people shouting ‘Too much information!’ at their screens. But seeing as how I’m not squeamish, it didn’t particularly affect me!

Overall, I would recommend this book for its readability, its humour and its frank honesty about a man with depression. He makes it so clear that his aim is to help others as well as himself and that it is not a sign of weakness to seek help for depression. In fact, he writes (and I wholeheartedly agree) that for men to seek help in this day and age is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Garry’s other wish is to help tackle the stigma that surrounds mental health, particularly men who are affected. This book should go a long way to doing that and it was a privilege to journey with Garry, going from the edge (literally) to his current struggles with the illness. I am looking forward to a sequel which will detail his recovery and I sincerely hope that one is in the works!

5.0 out of 5 stars Insightful 14 Aug 2012

By Nova Norris

Amazon Verified Purchase

This book journals just a few weeks in the life of Garry, a man suffering with depression. Garry talks so openly about the day to day experiences of living with this distressing and disabling condition. Garry expresses his thoughts and emotions in a clear and frank manner enabling the reader to engage and empathise. It also highlights the difficulties Garry faces to find treatment and support, whilst trying to live and support a young family.
Hopefully Garry has found writing the journal personally helpful as it allows him an outlet for all of the difficulties that he faces and gives him a focus, something he `can do’. I think it will also be so helpful for other people suffering from depression as they will know that they are not alone. Other people too will find the book helpful, in particular partners of people suffering from depression, family members and carers. It will give them an insight into the dark, desolate place that haunts those troubled with the illness. In allowing them the insight it may in turn help them to know how to help their loved one.
In my work as a psychological therapist I often recommend journal writing as it allows clients to offload, to vent, to have a focus and to discover. It is also immensely helpful to use the journal as a key tool for therapy as it allows the therapist insight into the client’s world.
I also think this book would be extremely useful for all therapists and trainee therapists in order to learn more about depression from a sufferer’s perspective rather than from the `expert’ or professional domain.
Thank you for sharing your world, Garry.

5.0 out of 5 stars So impressed. 10 Aug 2012

By Will

Amazon Verified Purchase

Everything about this book will touch anyone who’s suffered from a mental health issue. Garry puts it all out there and bears his soul within the lines. Like us all he has his bad days and good and I hope this realisation of a dream, to write a book, makes him smile with pride. Recommended.

Review by: Carla RB on Aug. 13, 2012 :     
I just finished Garry’s book “Diary of the depressed moose”. It is wonderful to follow his struggle to live with depression, research on the subject of depression and then share so many great ideas and tips on how to cope. The book goes from despair to hope right before your eyes!
(reviewed within a week of purchase)

I know its unusual for me to be so bold but seriously these are awesome! And how often am I doing “happy” posts lately LOL

All of them are written by real people not by me or any of my friends.

Spread the word people there is a new 5 star book in town!

Now Found on Smashwords

Diary of The Depressed Moose

 

It has taken me over 7 hours and lots of editing but now I have finally got the book available on Smashwords.

Any non UK people looking to purchase please do so from there and not from Amazon.com as the payment system from Amazon does not work for me unless I open a bank account in USD and from what I can gather my bank would charge me to do this.

It is also available on non Kindle e readers there so now you have no excuses 😀

Here is the link for my book on smashwords https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/213574

 

There is some good news however, seeing as I have been so busy doing this that my depression has lifted and its now 3.30am on Saturday.