The Head Fucked Moose

I’m still not right, I’m battling every day but still somethings wrong. I haven’t managed to get to the Dr yet as its easier to find rocking horse shit than get an appointment when it doesn’t impact on work. They suggest calling in the morning to get an appointment but after 38 calls on my last day off by the time i get through all the days appointments are long gone.

So each day I get up leave for work and arrive at least hour and half earlier than necessary just so I’m out the house and not tempted to just go back to bed. But I’m stressing out over silly things short fused and bloody exhausted mentally and aching physically.

I need a holiday!

Which is exactly what I have treated myself too. For the first time since 1998!!!! I will be heading out of the UK and going to Majorca for a week. I’m slightly worried that I’m going on my own but hopefully it will do me the world of good.

It’s been a year since my world fell apart and I’ve reached the point of feeling worse than in a long long time so getting away is kinda like make or break for my head. Worst year of my life to be honest and sometimes I’m amazed I’ve got through it.

Despite what people may have been told Im a good person, sociable etc so should meet people out there but in case I dont I have bought myself a decent camera so can use photography as an outlet assuming I can figure out how to use it.

I don’t need drama in my life right now. I dont need people disappearing on me or people suddenly contacting me out the blue. I’m vulnerable and struggling. I want stability, love and effort. I need my outlets back to help me and I know I have to do more for myself but sometimes just ensuring I’m up out the house and at work is accomplishment enough.

I’m my own worst enemy and maybe, just maybe the fat ugly person I see in the mirror isnt the image others have of me. My self esteem is very low and its taken an absolute hammering over the past year.

Hopefully this long time coming holiday in Majorca will be the making of me again.

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A Quick Update

Hi all apologies for lack of posts and visibility for few weeks. Truth be told is that I’m currently suffering from depression and struggling to function let alone write, and believe me I have tried writing lots of posts.

Some event has triggered me and I’m not quite sure what it was or why but for the last few weeks I have isolated myself from people – not sure if its been noticed by many but the usual suspects have.

It’s even reached the point now where I feel like I need to get my arse down to the Dr and discuss medication again. Whilst I haven’t been on antidepressants for years I think it would be a sensible option right now.

Insomnia, self doubt, exhaustion mentally and now physical symptoms are all the same old issues that have reappeared and its time to do something about it for my own sake.

I seem to be more worried about other people and their battles and helping them than looking after myself and to be blunt I’m fucking sick and tired of these people ignoring me and stressing me out. If you are not going to look after yourself who else will?

It could be just a bad spell, it could be the start of a long spiral out of control but now I have realised I need to start taking some steps to deal with it.

After the past 12 months its only to be expected that a crash would happen eventually…. maybe time to stop blocking out shit thats happened and deal with it once and for all.

The Depressed Moose and My Return

Updated 22nd April.

There was a time when my old persona saved my life, and that of others too. Writing about my battle with depression, sharing it with so many people and ultimately becoming a mental health campaigner and someone who was “known” in that social media world – or #famoose if you would prefer is still something that fills me with an enormous sense of pride and happiness. It was a time in my life where I made a difference to others, inspired others, helped others and achieved things that were beyond my expectations all despite being depressed.

My blog was successful in terms of numbers, I was asked multiple times to write pieces for the press and even had my face on material for Mind. It is a period of my life that I am incredibly proud of. I turned readers of my blog into amazing friends who are still with me to this day.

I walked away from that world, gave up writing completely and moved on with my life depression free and happy again. I met and fell in love with an amazing woman and the future looked bright.

Life doesn’t always work the way we plan and dream about and after 3 and a half years the amazing woman has become a stranger. The relationship broke down my heart broke and my world was turned upside down. The reasons behind it no longer matter she has her truth, I have my truth and life goes on.

I rebuilt from a failed marriage, a suicide attempt and years of depression, I will rebuild again and emerge stronger, happier and a better person once more. I fought to save a relationship that ultimately was doomed. Fought against the advice of friends and family because I refused to listen and see what was really happening.

Eventually we reach a point where we have had enough and realise our own value and worth. My limits were breached time and time again because I was beginning to believe I deserved it. Regardless of this and who is to blame I am at that stage whereby I’ve got over it. I deserve faithfulness, respect and honesty and wont accept less.

So where does this leave me? For starters I’m a worker moose now! For 5 years I was unable to work but I have been in the same job now for 18 months. Despite the negatives of the way it ended the relationship did help me in many ways, my depression has been gone for years and Im able to work daily without sickness leave or mental health worries and those positives are the ones I will take away from it.

I was unable to be “moose” but now I can return to my online persona as well as maintaining Garry and my mental health is always under control.

From the confines of the spare room at my mums at the age of 39 I will rebuild and find love, happiness and be someone who helps, inspires and makes a difference once again.

Moose and the Shrink

Today after 4 days of trying last week I finally managed to get through to the mental health team at Goodmayes (the specialist mental health hospital in my area) and spoke to someone.

This is a big step for me because I am worried about what they will say or diagnose.

I have an appointment, or initial screening, to use their vernacular*

Hopefully though they will tell me if I am bipolar or not as my Dr thinks I may be, and so do I having researched it.

My stomach was in knots talking to them over the phone, I don’t understand where this anxiety when talking to people in authority comes from. If I speak to anyone who works for government agencies or health positions I have such an overwhelming sense of fear in my stomach! It baffles me as I never used to have this problem! It has only been in the last 5 or 6 months this anxiety has developed.

Could it be that it was always there and I just did not recognise the signs?

My appointment is on 4th October so not too long to worry about any implications and I am working hard at trying to combat the fear of leaving home to attend these meetings.

Still on the positive side I made the call and that’s a good thing!

* I have always wanted to use the word vernacular in a┬ásentence ­čśÇ

Stepping into the Light – Poems from the Darkness

So being inspired by so many people and with an urge to help others with depression I have come up with the idea of publishing books written by people with Mental Health Illnesses. There are lots of books written by medical professionals, especially self help style books but from my limited research not much written by us sufferers.

I am starting with poetry as I feel it can be the sincerest, most honest way of expressing our feelings but imagine if this was successful we could extend the range and add images, short stories anything creative that helps us in our recovery and everyday lives.

This is where you come in! I need help with spreading the word to get this book up and running with submissions, creative input, suggestions and anything else you can offer to keep me motivated.

The book is going to be called “Stepping into the light – Poems from the Darkness

Please send your submissions to me thedepressedmoose@hotmail.com with a brief background of your story

example Garry 33 suffers from Depression and Anxiety.

I reserve the right to not include any poetry submitted and by submitting your work you give me the right to use it for publishing if I so wish.

The last date to submit your poetry is 30th August as I am looking to publish this via smashwords on 1st September.

Idea for book cover

 

Above is the idea submitted by “K” for a cover please feel free to come up with your own suggestions or edits of this version. Ideally I would like to add “The Depressed Moose Presents” in front of the title.

The charity Mind will receive 50% of the money raised, 30% go to smashwords as publishers and 20% goes to me to cover my time and work.