The Evolution of Garry

Over a week since my holiday ended and I’m pleased to say there are no holiday blues, No signs of the normal crash that follows a happy period of my life, just moving on to the next part…. the dreaded 40th birthday that is coming in November.

I read a lot of blogs currently, although there certainly doesn’t seem to be as many as when this blog was in its heyday and as I read them it makes me realise just how much I have evolved over the years and how lucky I am that I learned to spot my triggers and warning signs.

The thing with depression is that if you’re not aware, not on guard and able to spot the patterns of behaviour it will creep up and take hold of you. A few weeks ago I went to my GP and got some antidepressants. I haven’t taken any. I haven’t needed to if truth be told but just unloading to someone impartial and getting it off my chest properly helped.

Of course the holiday played a huge part too. Doing something I’ve never done before and putting myself into a position where I could’ve been vulnerable and coming through it in a better than ever frame of mind showed me the strength I have. So much so that I have already booked my return trip to Cala Millor in June/July next year.

So here is my point…

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

I’ve had to evolve, take myself out my comfort zone and challenge myself. Change my routine because it wasn’t working for me.

Reading other peoples blogs I can see how they are in the same rut I was 5 years ago because the patterns are the same. It’s not just about mental heath but life in general, things wont just happen unless you do something to make it happen.

And if I can…… So can you!!

If I can put myself through the torture of match.com and tinder again, knowing how unlikely it is people will be interested in me, whats stopping you from making tweaks in your life to make it better.

Put yourself out there and good things will happen eventually.

I’m evolving and reconnecting with myself at the same time. I used to hate being alone all the time, now i enjoy my own company. I’m not afraid of being single and the dating world again. Rejection is part of life and so is getting hurt. It wont prevent me from putting myself out there because as my good mate Karl says “Garry is a bit of a romantic” and he is right. I do want my happy ever after, my last first kiss and all that soppy shit and one day I will find it… if she would get her arse into gear and hurry up that would be nice 😃

In the mean time I’m happy finding Garry again and doing things for me. My writing love has returned and I’m reaching out to more and more people.

Life is good right now and it’s because of me working at making it good. The rewards were worth the effort.

If you’re struggling remember Im always available via my facebook page. I never turn down anyone who reaches out to me.

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Back to Reality

And so tomorrow I officially go back to work. I say officially as I popped in today to put out some fires before the real fun begins in the morning.

The people I work with are great, they really do look after me, have listened to my shit without judgement and offer me advice and support. They have been awesome over the 2 years I have been there and kept me going. I’m lucky to have them as colleagues and friends and, as they have just discovered, they are lucky to have me as the manager. Despite the bad jokes, demands for tea and piss taking I’m pretty sure they would say they enjoy working alongside me.

It’s only been one day since I returned and despite feeling knackered I can sense a different attitude and perspective from within. The few friends who know me best will no doubt be worrying about an inevitable crash when i got home but so far so good. I’m still buzzing from my holiday and, strangely, excited about going back to work. It means I get to tell loads of people about my amazing holiday, so apologies in advance for anyone queuing lol.

I turn 40 at the end of November so now I’m looking for ways to celebrate it. Another week away perhaps depending on prices and being able to save up enough.

Maybe the Moose Escorting agency will get some bookings. That’s right folks spend an evening or night with the Moose, extras can be negotiated, free rash with every purchase….

I have been overwhelmed by the comments and feedback over the last week. It’s been an absolute pleasure share my holiday with you and reminding myself that I have a decent followers of people who for some reason find me interesting, “inspirational”, and worthy of time taken to read my stuff. Thank you all so much.

I’m off to discover the joys of online dating sites where my personality doesnt show in photos but my chins do….

Back to reality indeed, but a new improved, brighter reality.

It sure is!!

Last full day

Today is the last day of my holiday of a lifetime. It has been the best experience of my life.

I’m ready to go home now and get back to reality and improving myself when I return. I feel reinvigorated rejuvenated and refreshed and have really made the most of my time away.

It’s been amazing not having to worry about the other shit thats gone on and can actually feel like im in control of my destiny.

Changes will be made in terms of my attitude towards people and events and im no longer going to put myself in situations that do not ultimately benefit or enhance my life. People who hurt me will no longer get a second chance. I’m not so desperate for love that I will accept anything.

I’m going to look into courses to improve myself. Definately going to look into learning Spanish as i will be returning to Cape Millor again. The place is stunning.

I’m ready for the next chapter of my life. The last chapter has been ripped out and consigned to the past forever. No more looking back. My head is great my strength is back and im now focused on me again.

I’ve set records for steps taken, I’ve been out exploring daily not just sat around the pool and I’ve loved every single second of it.

I have also proved to myself that I can cope on my own and that’s huge to finally acknowledge that. Now i can choose to be with someone because i want to not cos i feel i have to be with someone.

Enhance my life and improve it or its “adios”

This time tomorrow i will be sitting in the airport waiting for my flight but moose will forever more hold Cala Millor in his heart

el alce en España

El Alce is Spanish for the moose…

I’ve arrived and it was emotional. It was like a wave came over me. Relief pride excitement. You see this holiday has now become the last event in my life. Not a break up, not a breakdown but a holiday.

I felt alive!! I feel like the weights been lifted. The perfect end to a less than perfect 12 months. I’ve worked hard and deserve this treat.

And im happy, genuinely happy.

I packed everything but my stresses back home and here im Garry, single and ready to mingle. Camera check jack daniels check happy smiling Garry check!!

Moose on tour

One more sleep. Well technically 2 but there’s no way I will be getting any sleep tomorrow night, especially having to be at the airport at the crack of a sparrows dart! But its almost here.

20 years, broken heart, broken mind and broken spirit since my last trip out of good ole England and im determined to make it a life changing experience.

I want to come back refreshed reinvigorated and maybe reinvented or at the very least moose version 2. My head is clearer than its been for weeks, and whilst other issues still linger in leaving them behind and taking charge of what baggage i take with me.

Moose is ready!

Bags are (almost) packed last minute clothes shopping done and in 36 hours or so i will set foot in Majorca ready for a week of sun sea sex (I can dream lol) and sorting myself out good and proper.

Obviously I wish it was different and I wasn’t going alone but it is what it is. I’m going to enjoy the experience no matter what and maybe one day will have someone worthy of a holiday with me. Certainly im no longer feeling like im not good enough because when the right person comes along at the right time it will all fall into place.

Expect plenty of updates over the next week or so. Moose is coming along for the trip and will share as much as possible with you.

For a week at least good bye depression, broken heart, low self esteem and negativity

Now if only I could find my passport….

The Changing Moose

Seems my new look, as it were, has had quite the impact. I’ve had lots of people notice the difference and more compliments in past few days than in the past few years!.

It’s been very good for the ego let me tell you! Sure im still a fat bastard but nowhere near as bad as I thought. And im certainly feeling a lot better in myself being told how much younger i look without the facial hair and stuff.

I have heard the following quote many times and always kind of dismissed it as rubbish but its very true.

I am so damn hard on myself that I forget the good things about me. Too busy listening to the opinion of others who dont know the real me and more worried about their feelings than recognising the fact that actually im fucking awesome. Judge me on how i am with you and how i treat you not anything else. I’m loyal great fun to be around and ultimately having me in your life as a friend means you’re bloody lucky…. did I mention im humble and modest too?

I’m listening to music a lot lately and one favourite song keeps coming into my head from nowhere…

I do need you now, I do think about you a lot and have great memories of you. So im going back, knowing the risks and the potential consequences. So I’m restarting a relationship again with my eyes wide open and im looking forward to it…..

I’ve missed you Jack. Cheers!!! Down the pub I go.

And as for attracting what I am…

I want greatness I want love and so help me God I will get it.

As the song goes…
It’s a new dawn
It’s a new day
It’s a new life
For me
And I’m feeling good
I’m feeling good

An Anniversary to remember

Thanks to the memories/on this day function on Facebook I was reminded that on this day 5 years ago I took an overdose. Obviously it wasn’t successful but it has reminded me how far I have actually come despite the recent set back.

It doesnt matter how bad I’m feeling that option has never occurred to me again and that is progress.

Yes I have been through the worst period of my life these last 12 months but I get up every day and go to work. Haven’t taken any time off sick I’m getting on with shit and trying to move on with life.

If I stop and look properly at things then I can see how much better off I am in terms of my mental health and I’m absolutely guilty of being too hard on myself and taking blame for things not my responsibilty.

So today I’m thankful that 5 years ago I failed and I’m going to focus back on positives. I’m not going backwards no matter how much the black dog barks.

So here is a better photo. Contacts, haircut and clean shaven….maybe even a smile….

Get ready Majorca Moose on tour is coming your way!!!

Moose today

Here is a photo of me today. I dont even recognise the person in the photo.

I’ve got myself some contact lenses again as I hate my glasses and lenses give me more confidence about my appearance but i look fucked, drained, tired.

Form an orderly queue single ladies

From today I’m going to (try) treat myself better, be kinder to myself and focus on the good qualities I have, and there are more good than bad!

I’ve had the best nights sleep I’ve had in weeks and this time next week I will be on the plane to Majorca.

I met up with an old friend last night and thats really perked me up too. I am a people person and love the company of others. I feed off people so I need to make more effort in that sense.

I want to write more again, express myself without worrying about who reads it. Time to be selfish again for my own sake.

Back to the Drs

6 years later and here I sit in the waiting room at the Drs ready to ask for some help again. This time I have not met this particular GP so have no bond or relationship with him or her.

It’s all getting too much, the insomnia, the self doubt, the feelings of hurting, emotions getting best of me. So here I go again albeit in a much better position than all those years again. The last 12 months really have taken their toll on my mental health and maybe I’m guilty of trying too hard, too long and bottling up my feelings about what I’ve been through.

I have my holiday next week to look forward to, so this visit to Drs and probably prescription of antidepressants will come in the nick of time. I need to get away from reality for a bit and thats why I’m jumping on a plane and (hopefully) leaving all this shit behind me.

I’m sick of feeling unloveable, second best and unwanted. I am worthy of more and I am determined that this will be a temporary solution just to allow me to get my head in a better place.

I can’t and won’t allow anyone to send me back to my darkest days but right now I’m just to exhausted to do it by myself.

As I have said countless times…. asking for help in a sign of strength not weakness.