Mission Accomplished

I did it, I made it though Christmas unscathed. Obviously as you are reading this so did you!

I took time away from blogging yet the creativity has been bubbling away like the good old days where I could write and not care about how people perceived me.

I have suffered from no ANT issues despite spending the majority of the Christmas period alone. I needed it to be honest with you. I wanted to prove to myself that I could survive on my own again and it was a test that I passed a hell of a lot easier than I originally anticipated.

Of course there were times when the going was tough and I needed someone here, but I kept myself busy and rode through it all with the help of some great people who give and take when it comes to our friendship.

The kids had a great time and have been spoiled rotten, however it has come to my attention that I am indeed a spoilt bastard so I was very disappointed in my lack of presents this year. I could go on about bulging sacks but thats enough of my lack of a sex life for one day…

I have quite a few plans for next year and despite some already going tits up it simply meant I could add more things to do rather than dwell on what might have been, I intend to fulfill as many things on this list as possible and add some more along the way as things develop for me.

I would like to say that I have developed a thicker skin over the past few weeks but on closer inspection it appears to be more turkey, stuffing and roast potatoes than anything else. On the plus side there is more of me to love…

Good times are just around the corner and I will make the effort to go and search harder for them rather than wait for them to find me.

I feel positive about the future and have finally released people, and demons, from the past..

You cant hurt me anymore, I just faced the toughest challenge and sailed through. Everything else from here on in will be a breeze

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Seeing Through People

I lie a lot to people these days,

Its a big decision to make,

But to tell someone the honest truth about how you feel,

Is often more than they can take.

 

They might ask how you are,

but are they asking because they care?

Or a sense of obligation?

do they really want you to share?

 

I grit my teeth and show the world a smile,

To mask the real pain inside,

“I’m doing great”, “I am fine”

in fact I’m looking for somewhere to hide.

 

Yet survival comes naturally to me,

I CAN do this on my own,

So when you read about how down I am,

you can fuck off instead of moan.

 

I do not need people around me,

who simply drain my energy.

I’m moving forwards at my own pace,

In my own style unique to me.

 

I’ll take the risks that I see fit,

and watch the cards as they fall,

right or wrong this is what I want,

No challenge too big or too small.

 

I will find my way with friends by my side,

not stabbing me in the back,

Leaving behind the users, abusers,

and those who give me flack.

 

I am no longer here to help just you,

and neglecting the most important thing.

This is my life, my journey, My adventure

and I’m excited to see what the future may bring.

 

I have a few friends who see right through,

the lies that I occasionally spit out,

These are the ones I can turn to,

when there are times of doubt.

 

And for the others be aware,

that you’re being left in the past,

No more will I allow the hurt and pain you cause,

to stop this train from going fast.

 

Broken Tooth, No Broken Spirit

Nine days till Christmas and I have no intention of putting up a tree this year, as Brandon will be spending the holidays at his mum’s I will be alone for most of the Christmas period, so I really don’t want to look at a tree which is meant to celebrate a time for family.

It was my choice for him to spend most of the time away as I know I will be a miserable bastard and did not want it to impact on him, as my childhood memories of Christmas heavily influence my hatred for this time of year. Better he is with his mum who does a great job with Christmas than to be here with me impersonating the grinch.

Things are good apart from the fact that I broke a tooth at the weekend eating maltesers and as someone who has not seen a dentist for about 7 years I can tell you what great news this was! However being a good boy I was on the phone to them at 8 am this morning and have an appointment for tomorrow where I can look forward to an extraction, I assume, and a lecture (wohooo, I really love those)

On top of this I really have to let some steam off and moan about people. I am really sick of people using me for when it suits them, as an example I have spoken to three suicidal people in the past month and offered them support and an ear, yet do I hear from them again? Seems the majority people are only interested in me when it suits them not when I need someone.

I am getting to the stage where I am not sure that continuing with this blog, and being readily available for people, is such a good option for me. As much as I have enjoyed helping people it pisses me off that these people then avoid me, especially at times when I have asked for help myself. I am happy to give but there are times when it is needed to reciprocated and all too often that is not forthcoming and I am (finally) learning that the only person I can really rely on is myself.

I have “friends” abusing me because I wont give them what they want and do things the way they want them and the selfishness nature of people is grinding me down, more and more I am letting people walk away from me because I just cannot be arsed with arguing and defending myself.

People tend to forget that I have issues that need working on, but the moment I have a bad time I am the bad guy.

All I ask from people is effort, and nothing less than I would put in, but for plenty of people it appears to be an unacceptable request. Give and take is all well and good when it is shared equally, all too often this is not happening.

I am in a pretty good place currently though, despite the broken tooth and I can see things so much better now in terms of how people act around me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time, and I am preparing myself to get through the next few weeks when I will feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. I feel able to drop people without it causing me pangs of guilt, even more so when I am not in the wrong! The days of me chasing after people because I want attention all gone, the days of me reaching out to people because I am needy and alone are gone. If people don’t want to talk to me for whatever reason that is fine with me.

I have survived because I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a better person than I give myself credit for and its time I gave the people who go out of their way for me more attention because it is those people who deserve it.

When I say I don’t give a fuck anymore I honestly mean it. I will not allow people to affect my mood anymore.

And for those who don’t like it – please do not let the door hit you on the way out..

And for the people I know will stand by me just remember…

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Facing The Past

Those who have been reading for a while will know that a huge factor in my depression was caused by the death of my Uncle Ron who I cared for in the final 12-18 months of his life.

On Friday my Uncle Jim was taken into hospital with what was a suspected stroke, among other possible illnesses and I had to face up to issues and emotions that I had buried since Ron died.  Not only was it the same hospital that Ron was taken to, but it was also my first visit back to the hospital since my attempted overdose in July.

I couldn’t see him for the first two days of his visit as I couldnt bring myself to attend the hospital and so I decided that going out on Saturday night and having a drink would be a good idea – up until the point when the alcohol brought everything back out and I spent the rest of Saturday  night/ Sunday morning in a terrible frame of mind dealing with things I had tried to bury.

Sadly this also meant I had to let down someone very important to me on Sunday but I hope they understand why, spending time with them is something I am desperate for but I just could not face doing anything Sunday until I had dealt with the issues at hand, which was very hard and emotionally draining to the point where I was awake all night until around 6.30 am working my way through tears grief and guilt that I had not faced properly previously.

Finally I felt able to go and visit my uncle in the hospital and face up to the past and I am not ashamed to admit it was so much harder than what I expected, emotionally draining sums it up nicely.

The past few days have been really difficult but also helpful in finally letting go of certain things after a few years of keeping them buried away.

Today Jim was sent home from hospital and although he doesn’t have a clean bill of health, he is in his 80s and had a triple bypass many years ago, he is back home and for me that feels like closure as the last uncle that went into that hospital never made it out again.

I faced the past and made it over a few hurdles successfully – for my friend I let down I am sorry.

Still Around

Yikes it has been a while since my last post hasn’t it!

Since then I am a year older but not anymore wiser. I have been spending the past few weeks battling with a birthday, depression and ANTs BUT more importantly I have come through another difficult spell with no damage and we start again.

Soon this shitty year will be over and I can look forward to a better year in 2014, having had some luck recently I am able to start next year with a few less things to stress over and my plans will be set in motion.

Thank you to the people who have noticed my unusual quietness and contacted me to make sure I was okay.

Have done lots of thinking, reflecting and planning and genuinely feel excited for the future at this moment in time.

Normal service will be resumed shortly when the writing mojo reappears..