Decisions and Depression

If you have decisions to make how do you separate the logic from thinking with the thought that it is actually the depression talking and holding you back?

Spending time thinking, in turn, time over analyzing the thinking.  Before you know it you are even more confused than when you started! So how do we manage to decide our future when there is a constant battle between your mind and your depression in the whole damn process!

As the wheels of the brain slowly turns I keep coming back to the starting question without making any progress on an answer, in fact there seems to be more questions each time. Weighing up pros and cons or writing lists is not something I am partial to doing. Someone told me to follow my gut – I ended up with a big mac in my hand!

Things need changing and I am scared of the consequences and where it will lead me!

Who, what, where, when got nothing on the fucking questions in my head lately.

Times like this I wish I was not stuck on a fucking waiting list for therapy!

If I Were..

I have seen this “game” on a couple of blogs and thought I would give it a go..

If I were a politician I would be

Firstly I don’t have the ability in me to be a politician, I care too much about other people and I am too honest to be able to look myself in the mirror after a day of bullshitting the public that elected me and screwing them whilst claiming thousands in expenses!

But that being said I would close the borders and stop mass immigration. I would stop the bankers from ruining the countries finances and being rewarded with millions in bonuses and I would remind every other politician that they are meant to serve the people not fuck them on a regular basis!

If I were a pop star I would be

a bed hopping, jack daniels swilling paparazzi dream! heck I’m 34 not 94! now if only i could sing, not that singing appears to be a requirement these days.

If I were a film star I would be

Al Pacino. I am similar to him with my ability to scare people with my sudden switch of temper and loud voice!

If I were in a soap opera I would be

The person women want to have and men want to be like, respected and feared at the same time.

If I were a writer I would be

Spending my time counting piles of money from royalties and movie deals, instead of trying to flog my crappy books now LOL

If I were a book I would be

the kind that you couldn’t put down. A romance novel with a strong masculine hero who saves the day and the girl

If I were a TV show host I would be

A talk show host like Johnathon Ross – near the knuckle but able to get people to open up. The stars would all want to appear on my show. The title would be Moose Meets..

If I were a criminal I would be

As a mafia nut the only answer here would be a mafia family boss!

If I were a religion I would be

I would be a religion that promoted tolerance but actually meant it – one open to all regardless of gender, colour and sexuality. All Hail Moose

If I were a mythical beast I would be

I would be a politician that cared!

If I were a Disney character I would be

I would be Aladdin – the street rat with a heart of gold

If I were a drug I would be

I wouldnt know where to begin here never touched drugs so couldnt really say. But to coin a song “love is the drug” so i would be love! Apparently it’s all you need, if it works for The Beatles it works for me.

If I were an animal I would be

Obviously I would be a moose! As my good friend Cindy once said “strong and graceful but vulnerable in the circle of life”

If I were a piece of food I would be

I would be comfort food, something that makes everything all better. Chocolate, hen i would be a chocolate moose 😀

If I were an illness I would be

Something that is curable, an illness that makes you feel vulnerable but once cured stronger than ever before

If I were a mood I would be

delirium but in a happy had too much sugar kinda way

If I were a holiday resort I would be

i would be vegas! lots of neon, bright lights and strippers and what happens there stays there!

If I were a pattern I would be

i wouldnt be a set pattern, I would be a big dollop on the middle of paper that is then folded in half and spread across the paper, bright colours though to reflect my loud personality

If I were a tree I would be

I am already a tree as people say I’m TREEmendous!

Have a go at this would love to see some answers!


Something Good…

Needs to happen today to get me out of another Friday Funk – It appears to be that Friday is my new Monday always a good week is ruined by Friday.

Here are some things that would probably cheer me up

  • a text message from a friend
  • an email from someone asking how I am doing
  • a sudden surge of interest in my blog rather than the current down flow I am seeing
  • The stats page on wordpress goes missing for a few hours so I am not constantly checking it!
  • One of those emails that tells me I have been left millions in a will turns out to be true!
  • a rich older lady with no family and a weak heart takes a shine to me.
  • a puppy appears on my doorstep
  • nutella email me asking to advertise on my blog and offer to pay in jars!
  • someone tags me in one of the cool questions posts that do the rounds so I can find something to write about!

And so here are some random questions that have bothered me this week

  1. How long will I stand at the main front door of my flats trying to use my Tesco clubcard key ring before I remember to use the proper security fob?
  2. What can I eat that will not force me to sprint to the toilet and then spend the rest of the day going back and forth?
  3. If I had a tube full of pringles and you took a handful what would you have?
  4. Why is there no chocolate in my flat?


and the answers are…

  1. appears to be 5 minutes and after lots of expletives
  2. God knows!
  3. you would have my teeth marks in your hand!
  4. because I ate it all


I feel so random today lots of ideas spinning around my head but nothing jumping out at me to say “write about this” or “talk about that”. I guess the good news is that I will be winning the lottery tonight so will be able to go on a lavish spending spree soon, the bad news is I don’t have the money to buy a ticket LOL

Don’t be surprised if there are a lot of posts today I feel the urge to write to escape from myself for the day! Now if only I knew what to write about!

Garry “the confuddled Moose”

A Game of Tag

I have been tagged by Kizzylee to play a game of tag. This is basically a series of questions for me to answer so that people can learn things about me and also I can tag other bloggers to learn about them. Like the awards that are shared between bloggers it’s a great way of feeling part of the wordpress community and attracting new readers to your blog and above all else it’s great fun and a good way to break my day up.

Her original post can be found here 

The Rules

  • Post rules
  • Answer the questions set for you in their post
  • Then it’s your turn to “tag” 11 people with a link to your post
  • Let them know they’ve been tagged
  • Create 11 new questions or use the same ones to ask the people you’ve tagged.
  • Link back to the person who tagged you

The Questions as asked by Kizzylee

what do you think makes a good blog?

can you describe one moment in your life that was fabulous?

would you describe your favourite holiday?

what is your fave time of year ? and why?

what is the one piece of advice you would give to your teenage self?

what ambitions did you have as a child?

if you could go back and do it all again would you change anything?

what was your  fave toy as a child?

what celebrity do you have a crush on?

what was your last dream and could you find a meaning for it ? ( keep it family friendly though folks :) )

what is your film  and why?

My Answers as follows

what do you think makes a good blog?

For me honesty is the biggest thing that appeals to me. I like blogs with humour, I tend to specialise in the type of humour that puts me down but that’s just my way.  A very competent (read incredible) blogger called Timethief gave me some important advice which was an eyeopener especially as she took the time to visit my blog for a start

“You are doing well. Authenticity is the character trait of being genuine, honest with oneself as well as others. Your writing is authentic and you are developing your writer’s voice. To thine oneself be true.”

Makes a lot of sense doesn’t it?

One also important thing – PARAGRAPHS! please it makes it easier for the reader!

can you describe one moment in your life that was fabulous?

Easy this one. The moment when Sheryl arrived at the registry office and stood by my side ready to be married. We were both shaking so much we held onto each other with a mixture of pure love, excitement and nerves. The first moment I see her in her dress, biting her lip with nerves was a moment that will never leave me!

would you describe your favourite holiday?

My dream holiday would be to New York visiting all the famous mafia haunts. I am big mafia buff so seeing the old social clubs, locations of infamous hits even the house in Apalachin would be a dream for me! I would love to have my picture taken under a sign for Mulberry Street and Little Italy. After that strolling through central park with Sheryl by my side, taking in the sights like Ellis Island and the Statue of Liberty. My mouth is dribbling at the thought, and yet it will never happen 😦

what is your fave time of year ? and why?

I love the winter a lot more than summer. I cannot stand the heat (which is why I am never in the kitchen hehehe) My flat is always hotter than outside come summertime and for me it is a lot easier to get warmer than it is to get cooler! Rainy days are my favourite!

what is the one piece of advice you would give to your teenage self?

Easy one this. Stay in school and revise for the love of god revise! Hindsight is a wonderful thing isn’t it! I will always regret wasting my intelligence!

what ambitions did you have as a child?

Professional footballer and nothing else mattered.

if you could go back and do it all again would you change anything?

Some aspects yes but I try to live by the “things happen for a reason” ideal. I may have done things differently but if I had would I now have a beautiful wife and wonderful (if slightly annoying) kids? Depression aside I have the things I need and doing things differently may have altered that.

what was your  fave toy as a child?

Not sure it can classed as a toy as such but for me it was a football. Playing over the park with my twin brother for hours in all weathers was all I enjoyed! No playstation or x-box this wonderful thing called the “outside” was where I spent my childhood!

what celebrity do you have a crush on?

My first crush was Susannah Hoff from the Bangles! wow those eyes!

Today its Mila Kunis, another woman with stunning eyes.

Sooooooooooo dreamy………..

what was your last dream and could you find a meaning for it ? ( keep it family friendly though folks :) )

I rarely remember my dreams but the most vivid one I have had recently was when I had to rescue Sheryl from some form of game show. Think “running man” type of game show not deal or no deal. I had to fight people, go through obstacles find my way through mazes it was just bizarre!

what is your film  and why?

My film would be the Godfather. I am Michael Corleone starting out as a man trying to find his own way in life but drawn back into a situation and life that he thought was never for him. Yet all along he was the right man for the role of family protector and his “at all costs” attitude to protect his family resonates with me. I also have the same mannerisms in terms of the rational thought with the sudden explosive temper! Like Michael I am a shouter LOL

And now my turn to tag 11 people, to be honest I would much rather everyone who follows me (all 53 of you!) answered these questions from Kizzylee. I am keen to learn more about all of you. So please have a go and forgive my cheating!

Have a great day people I know I will!!!


UPDATED 24/07/12

So seeing as not one single person has played I am going to tag some bloggers who I would like to answer this and see if peer pressure works on them 🙂



Dotty – even though she wont do it but it might cure her “wordy block”








An Interview With The Moose


The Moose Busy “writing” his blog

I was lucky enough today to catch the Moose hard at work on his blog, as you can see from the photo above. I had been invited to his “office” by his PA as he was willing to grant me an interview about his depression, the causes, the road to recovery and his hopes for the blog he is writing and what can be achieved as a result of it.

I was met at the station and surprised to be blindfolded and bundled into a waiting car all in the name of protecting his location so once I arrived I was delighted to meet such a charming, engaging “person” willing to expose himself (no not in that sense!) and give up his time in the interests of, in his own words, “helping to end the stigmas surround depression and other Mental Health Illnesses”.

After taking a few photographs, at his insistence – using his own camera no less!, we sat down for what started out as a little chat but soon turned into a wonderful insight into the man behind the moose!

Please sit back and enjoy the ride….

Garry: What made you realise you had depression?

Moose: I had known for some time that something was not right with me. I have had certain symptoms for a number of years without recognising what they amounted to and always managed to keep my head above water, somehow, without feeling the need to seek help from my Doctor.

These symptoms included, with a high combination of them at any one time

  • Feelings of helplessness and hopelessness. A bleak outlook—nothing will ever get better and there’s nothing you can do to improve your situation.
  • Loss of interest in daily activities. No interest in former hobbies, pastimes, social activities, or sex. You’ve lost your ability to feel joy and pleasure.
  • Appetite or weight changes. Significant weight loss or weight gain—a change of more than 5% of body weight in a month.
  • Sleep changes. Either insomnia, especially waking in the early hours of the morning, or oversleeping (also known as hypersomnia).
  • Anger or irritability. Feeling agitated, restless, or even violent. Your tolerance level is low, your temper short, and everything and everyone gets on your nerves.
  • Loss of energy. Feeling fatigued, sluggish, and physically drained. Your whole body may feel heavy, and even small tasks are exhausting or take longer to complete.
  • Self-loathing. Strong feelings of worthlessness or guilt. You harshly criticize yourself for perceived faults and mistakes.
  • Reckless behavior. You engage in escapist behavior such as substance abuse, compulsive gambling, reckless driving, or dangerous sports.
  • Concentration problems. Trouble focusing, making decisions, or remembering things.
  • Unexplained aches and pains. An increase in physical complaints such as headaches, back pain, aching muscles, and stomach pain.

When things started getting too much for after a trigger moment I knew I had to see someone and get help.

G: “Trigger moment”? what do you mean by that?

M: I guess the easiest way to explain that is by saying it was like my “Eureka!” moment when all the pieces fell into place and made me realise that I couldn’t go on the way I was living my life.

The build up to my “trigger moment” all started after the death of my Uncle who I had cared for almost full time for the last 12 months of his life. While I was caring for him I didn’t have the time to concentrate on my own issues as he needed me to be strong for him and by the same token I enjoyed the time we spent together albeit with the unhappy ending. I say unhappy loosely because I firmly believe he is in a better place now and no longer suffering from his ailments, one of which was depression!

After he passed away I soon fell into a deep depression while battling my feelings of grief, anger and frustration and felt like I had let him down by not doing more for him. (For the record if I knew then what I know now about what sort of treatment was available to him I would still be kicking his Doctors arse 14 months later!)

Fast forward 7 months from the death of my uncle and I was at my lowest ebb and ready for a long drop from my window  to end it all! This for me was my “trigger moment”

G: So what happened next?

M: I made the important step of making an appointment to see my GP and ask him for help. I remember my first words to him like it was yesterday “I need your help, I can’t take it anymore and I’m desperate!” The words fell freely from my mouth and once the dam was breached I couldn’t stop talking (and crying!) about the years of pent-up depression and I left his office that day feeling like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders.
I was diagnosed as suffering from “high intensity depression” those words well a relief to me, it meant I could now start recovering!

Moose relaxing with some cake

G: So what changed after seeing your GP?

M: The biggest change for me was being able to communicate properly with someone about how I felt without worrying about being perceived as “weak” for having depression. Suddenly my wife could hear from me about my feelings, thoughts and worries and since then our marriage has gone from strength to strength.

There is a lot to be said for simply talking to someone about having depression or talking to someone who has depression! If more people spoke openly about this they would be amazed at how much it would help them. Since I no longer have to hide the fact I have depression I can focus on helping myself then , as I become stronger, helping others.

G: Is the blog part of the healing process?

M: Yes and no. The blog is like my diary where I can express myself freely and share my emotions and thoughts. It helps me to write these things down and look back over them when I am in a better frame of mind so I can learn more about myself and what causes my depression and what makes me feel better. I find it easier to write than I do to talk to others about my depression, apart from my wife of course!

G: What are you hoping to achieve from your blog?

M: Well the main objective of it is to make myself better! From there I am hoping to help other people, especially men, learn about depression, its symptoms and how it is ok to ask for help, that it is not a sign of weakness. I also hope that through reading my blog people can help their loved ones by learning more about how depression can affect people and what they could do to help them.

Moose with his friend Jess

G: So what happens now?

M: There is no set plan, as long as people are reading my blog and feel inspired by my words and experiences I will continue to write it. I intend to gain lots more followers and readers in the hope that I can help even one person then I will feel like I have accomplished something. I intend to bore my friends on Facebook into submission so that my Facebook Page gets shared around in the hope that I get more likes and therefore more readers coming to my blog.

For the first time in years I feel inspired and the creative juices are flowing helping me to recover or at least understand more about the depression that I have and what causes me to have the ups and downs! I am making myself heard in a positive light and gained a new-found respect for myself in the process. It can also be said that people have a new-found respect for me too and see me in a different light than before.

G: How can I help?

M: Giving me this platform has helped, my readers will learn more about me and hopefully they can help spread the word of my blog. The more people who read it the better chance we have of showing depression in a positive way and in turn the more people we can get talking about mental health illnesses the easier it will be to end the stigma of it. People with depression come from all walks of life it doesn’t care what riches you have or what career you have.
At least one person in every six becomes depressed in the course of their lives, that shows how many people you know could have this illness yet would you know what to do or how to help if a friend came to you and wanted to talk? This is where, hopefully, my blog can help.

A relaxed moose during our interview

And just like that the moose was gone! Back to his keyboard and desk and I was on my way back home.

I would like to point out that the moose received no money for this exclusive interview but did accept Pringle’s, Pepsi max and big red chewing gum!

I hope you liked this interview!


Related Posts:

Depression and Me

Depression 2

The Man behind the Moose

or for a complete list of all my posts so far please see Moose Tracks

Another Award! (Happy Dance!)

2012 Inspiration Award

I am honored and humbled again to have been given this award by a fellow blogger! This one was given to me by the wonderful nothinginmynoggin who has a very good blog of her own about her struggles with mental health illnesses and it really is a candid and inspirational read.

She also called me “awesome” which always gets brownie points!

See her original post here

One thing I love about these awards is the questions that follow after as they are, for me at least, a great way of finding out interesting snippets of information that would not be found out in normal circumstances.

So here are the questions asked and my responses to them (I have missed out a question from the original post as it is about immigration in the US)

1. If you were a Disney character, who would you be?

I would say Woody from Toy Story as I am a leader of others, with a strong sense of loyalty to my friends. Like Woody I also have my insecurities about being replaced and forgotten.


From an entirely visual perspective I can’t help but notice the likeness between the real me and Milo Thatch from Atlantis have a look and see if you agree, It makes me laugh at least!

Milo Thatch picture taken from

2. What was your 1st job?

My first paid job was working for waitrose supermarket in one of their stores. I was 15 doing my GCSE’s between shifts and it was one of the best jobs I have had. It was basically a social club with so many students working there.

3. If you had to live in a so called “3rd world country,” which would it be?

I currently live in a “3rd World Country” The way the UK is falling apart we will soon be described as one!

To be honest I couldn’t see myself living in a 3rd world country but I would like to visit the places in Africa where events like Comic Relief have worked to see how it has benefited from aid given by so many people or whether it has gone to waste.

4. Coen or Farrelly Brothers?

Farrelly Brothers every time! Well apart from Miller’s crossing which I love but for me slap stick, gross, close to bone humour is the best kind! I could watch “silly” films by the Farrelly’s all day long! There’s Something about Mary and Dumb and Dumber in particular!

It’s exactly my humour although I rein it in when the need suits of course 🙂

5. Favorite baby/child’s book?

As a kid I was not much of a reader I was always outside playing football from dawn till dusk but I loved any books by Roald Dahl the escapism of them all taking you away into another world so different from you own. Getting lost in the books I can say now that my love of books in adulthood stems from reading his books although my reading material of choice is a million miles away! The Twits was one of my all time favourites as I could imaging my own parents pulling the same tricks on each other LOL

6. Favorite non-existent punishment (well, non-existent in “1st world countries”) for monsters who harm the defenseless?

This will not sit well with others I’m sure but here is what I would do if I could

I would put these monsters in a sound proof room with the relatives of their victims for 1 hour and lock the door.

It would certainly save a lot of tax payers money keeping these “people” in prison.

7. What’s your favorite thing to do that is not strictly legal?

Hmmmm this is kinda tricky in it definitions because the way I dance should be illegal but I enjoy it anyway! Especially when no one is around to see me “move like Jagger!”

8. What’s an image that depicts how you feel right now?

Photo taken from

This fits in nicely I think, questions about how I feel, where I am going, where I want to be with just a hint of a ray of sunshine on the horizon offering some hope.

9. What’s your favorite ridiculous video?

I don’t have a favourite ridiculous video it is not something I spend time searching the internet for. Here is a video I do like though it’s a music video taken from “Music and Lyrics” and it just makes me laugh out loud when I see it. Hugh Grant is brilliant in this video

Hope you enjoyed this! What question or questions would you ask me to find out something unusual? you can comment and ask me or use the Contact page and contact me via Facebook or email.

Who Am I? or Who I am!

The question of all questions.

The question that keeps me awake most of all.

The question without a real definitive answer

Can you really answer this question?

Here is what I know… I am a (in no particular order)

  • Father & Step Father
  • Son
  • Brother
  • Grandson
  • Nephew
  • Husband
  • The Moose (to my Facebook friends at least LOL)

But even this isn’t really helpful. I am a son yes but neither parents talk to me, I’m a brother but my siblings only talk to me if I initiate contact,

I am a hunky,spunky,funky,chunky monkey!

I am a complex series of contradictions that much I do know as this list shows

  1. I’m happy but I’m sad
  2. I’m up but I’m down
  3. I’m pessimistic but I’m an optimist
  4. I’m sociable but I’m reclusive
  5. I’m likable but I’m loathed
  6. I’m friendly but I’m alone
  7. I’m confident but I’m insecure
  8. I’m smiling but I’m crying
  9. I like my own space but I don’t like being alone
  10. I’m strong but I’m weak

we will stick with 10 for now but there are more and I know people will have their opinions of these especially those who know the REAL me (it’s a small number in comparison to those who know me)

This doesn’t make me any different from any other person on the planet. Except when you are battling depression it manifests itself into bigger problems. The feelings of worthlessness is hard to shake “I am a failure” is easier to say than “I achieved something”

If I look back on my life though could I really list things that I have achieved that have made me proud? Thinking hard and honestly I can’t think of anything from the top of my head. As a kid I played football for Arsenal, West Bromwich Albion and Norwich junior teams but so did hundreds of others. It didn’t take me anywhere, I am not a professional footballer which was the only dream I had as a kid. Does this make me a failure? Or do I celebrate the fact I played for these teams in the first place?

And there it is the only real thing I can call an achievement and it’s not a lot for 33 years lived is it?

But what is an achievement? defined here


1. The act of accomplishing or finishing.
2. Something accomplished successfully, especially by means of exertion, skill, practice, or perseverance.
So am I missing accomplishments as well as achievements?
Being depressed means there are things that I should be adding to my list but don’t think are worthy? Should writing this blog be added as an accomplishment?
The hardest thing about trying to define who I am is my career. As you know I am currently off work sick but have been out of work now for 2 years! Since leaving school in 1995 I have had lots of jobs from retail, selling pc’s and laptops, being an at home loan provider and collector to working in a school as a Learning Support Assistant. I have coached kids football teams for 5 years in my free time as a labour of love is it an achievement to be a qualified football coach even though it’s a course that you really cannot fail unless your incredibly stupid! (an example of this was the man who turned up for the course drunk!)
I have no idea what I want to do work wise! I am 33 and do not have a clue! My favourite job was working in the school I loved seeing how much difference I made to the kids there but I am not qualified to do the job anymore. Government cut backs meant lots of people in these jobs were laid off so schools can be more selective in who they hire and they want people with the qualifications!  Of course I could do the course to get the qualification BUT you need to work in a school to be assessed as part of the course! Catch 22 or what!
Yet the prospect of going back to school then college terrifies me! I am a clever person but I am not academic as one teacher wrote in my school report “Garry is more street wise than academic” which is true to an extent. Take maths for example I am great at arithmetic but failed because I couldn’t get my head around the formulas required to measure a circle!
Just the thought of going back to work causes me to become anxious again – The Dr said I have “High Intensity Depression” and stress and anxiety are big factors in this! I kind of envy you who are at work with depression but I don’t think I could cope with it at the moment… Does this make me a failure?
I guess I can call my marriage an achievement! People thought we wasn’t going to last one person even said it was a “sham marriage” next month we celebrate 7 years together and 4 years married and I have to say since I got diagnosed with depression and started communicating with Sheryl our marriage is stronger than ever! I am lucky to have her!
So thinking positive we found something I can be proud of lol
Now back to question of Who I am…..
I am lonely above everything else, despite my wife’s efforts. She is busy with the kids and can do without me acting like one too but I admit it I’m needy! I need reassurances, attention, affection not just from her but everyone. I like to be in people’s thoughts in a positive way and it seems like since I left my Facebook family I have got worse! I am trying to escape the moose persona I have had for the best part of 4 years and trying to find myself again.
Blogging is changing me for the better it has only been 3 weeks but its made me so proud of myself. Yet my needy side is screaming out for more viewers, more likes, more followers.
A moment of clarity has arrived and I can conclude the following….
That was like an eureka moment HA HA!
What I want to be able to say when people ask me WHO I AM is

Questions, Questions and the Occasional Answer

I feel down tonight, I did last night as well but during the days I have been feeling fine! I even went for an 8 mile cycle yesterday morning (and nearly killed myself in the process LOL)

Got me wondering about the change in mood come the evening and raised some questions in my head…

I thought it might be time to start thinking about causes of moods be them happy or depressive. Are there certain things that trigger you off into these moods? a song on the radio? a film? Its amazing how something that is so trivial can almost be a set back or a moment of clarity.

What do you do when this happens? Embrace it or take a backwards step? Some days all I want to do is sleep other days I can’t sleep – why? Depression does make you tired we know that but sometimes I sleep not because I am tired but because I am bored. What makes me feel this way? Is there some sort of chemical imbalance that causes this or is it just the depression? How do you cope when you feel like this?

Do you like the way I am trying to integrate you into this? start some discussions or even just a comment or two to see how others deal with depression. Anyways enough with me whoring the blog out for a moment lets get back to the points at hand!

When you feel down what do you do to change the mood? do you do anything? I must admit I tend to load up some old skool garage on the Xbox and dance around the front room like a nutcase singing at the top of my voice. This works best when no-one else is home as Sheryl hates my taste in music almost as much as my voice! Besides that I am running out of glasses where my singing keeps breaking them! The good news is that a group of whales in the Atlantic have set up a fan club dedicated to me as only they seem to be able to decipher the sounds of my singing voice!

If I feel really down sometimes I like to watch films from my childhood to cheer me up, silly films like Oliver! I can recite almost word for word and besides making me want to “pick a pocket or two” it reminds me of being in the choir at junior school in the days when teachers wrote in my report “has a good singing voice!” before the cigarettes made me sound like a gravel voiced Justin Beiber! ps thats the one and only time he will ever appear in my writing! 


Now for a quick musical interlude 

Ok now that’s in your head we can think on the same level did it make you feel better it did me! Don’t tell Sheryl she just wont look at me in the same light anymore.

Besides dancing and singing what else can help bring you out of a funk? reading a book maybe. I am a big mafia buff and have over 50 books on the New York Mafia but I tend to read them from front to back in one sitting and being in the UK it is damn hard finding mafia books that A) I haven’t got B) are within my price range and C) not from American sellers with crazy postage charges so I end up reading the books 3 or 4 times. I like the escape reading brings but unless its mafia based I just cant get into them.

Talking is always good but as we have a daughter who appears to be nocturnal we never really find the time to have a talk about how I’m feeling without being disturbed by Queen Lilybet! This is where having a good support network comes in handy but thats a subject I want to deal with more closely on a different blog! (stay tuned coming to a monitor near you very soon!)

I guess this where my idea of writing a blog comes in handy because I can share my feelings and thoughts and tomorrow I can look back and try and shed more light onto the issues of feeling down in the evenings more than the daytime. Having said that I do put pressure on myself to get more and more readers of my blogs which really is insane its like I am on a crusade to show that depression can get anyone at anytime and want approval, want lots of people to see what I write and like it and want to share it with their friends. Hmmmm that doesnt seem right but hey its how I feel.

I wondered what inspired me to do this blog in the first place and here comes the question I guess I want answered most, bare with me while I ramble a little bit but there is a point to it I promise..

As I mentioned before I cared for my Uncle Ron until his death last year. In fact this Saturday will be a year to the day of his passing. Could this be why I feel down this week? He suffered from depression for many years to the point where he became almost unrecognisable in his personality at the end of his life and if I am really honest his death affected me a whole lot more than I ever let on to my family but did make me realise I needed some help.

A little story for you now which may make you think I am crazy but I know what I saw and stand by it.

In 2000 my great uncle Eric died. On the night he passed away I woke up suddenly and on the end of my bed I saw him standing there waving to me, he then walked into my son’s bedroom as if to check on him and waved goodbye. I didn’t know he was ill, didn’t know anything until the following morning when I got the call to say he had died. I have always believed since then that Eric became like a guardian angel to Brandon as he never had kids of his own and was so excited about me having a baby. He died 2 weeks before Brandon turned one.  A few weeks later Brandon fell down a flight of stairs from top to bottom and walked away laughing. Eric stopped him hurting himself!

Now to my uncle Ron. I believe he is watching over me and Elizabeth I even have a tattoo of a guardian angel as a tribute to my uncles. I wonder if it is him that is inspiring me to write? Its crazy but in the last few days I keep seeing people who look like him at one point I even shouted his name out which made me laugh later in the day but scared some poor man half to death LOL. Are these signs of his help or signs of me losing the plot? Does my belief in this help me or is it causing me to feel down?

I think having something to hold onto is probably more of a help as it gives me strength that I am being watched and aided from the other side but what do you think? Have you had these experiences? how did they make you feel?

I would love to hear some of your experiences

Tomorrow when I re-read this I will probably think I have gone mad but let me assure you any insanity is only temporary!