The People Person With No people

I am experiencing  a renewed zest for life, a passion for being around people and wanting to go out and do things again, Be around people who want to enjoy my company and want to be with Garry, not the man who has/had depression but the man who wants to laugh and joke, be the centre of attention again.

Only problem is there is no one around, besides the amazing Maria who checks up on me and comes to see me, Sarah who rings me to make sure I am okay, Mell who popped over to see me last weekend and Paul who invited me out for a drink, and not forgetting my mum who is keeping me busy in her garden.

I don’t want to keep being a pen pal I want to get out in the open, drinking, socialising and meeting people.

The depression is not my problem anymore, it’s being lonely that is…

 

lonely

 

So lets finally get something out in open….

Last Saturday I attempted an overdose. A combination of factors contributed to this BUT it was nothing to do with my depression, the truth is that I was supposed to be meeting a group of friends from my old Mafia Wars group on Facebook on the Saturday but when I woke up my benefits hadn’t been paid which meant I couldn’t go. The heat over the past few weeks, especially in my greenhouse of a flat, made me over tired due to lack of sleep and this disappointment of letting people down, and not being able to see them, made me do something silly. Instant remorse and hands down throat to make myself sick followed before I was taken to hospital by ambulance and given the all clear. Mentally I am 1005 fine please be reassured that this is something that will never happen again and was more down to feeling lonely and disappointed than anything else!

lonely2

 

I love being around people, not sitting around typing onto twitter and Facebook but to be able to talk to someone, seems to be a lost art these days with social media and 140 character limits on twitter. I have lots of “virtual” friends, people who showed massive concern last Saturday in particular and I love the support I receive BUT it’s meeting face to face, hearing someones voice, the phone ringing and it not being a debt collector on the other end of the call that matters to me.

Especially YOU! No names mentioned…

I do head out to the local pub but standing there on your own is not great, even if you’re someone like me who will talk to anyone. Truth be told I always come home feeling worse for going out by myself.

Depression is no longer my biggest battle, it is conquering the loneliness that is all consuming…

lonely4

 

And thus the depressed moose should be renamed the the lonely moose!

One of the downsides of having a child early in your life is that your friends are quick to walk away from you, but I would change nothing! I love my kids to bits Brandon is a good son and we are good friends too, our relationship goes from strength to strength but I can’t take him out for a drink for many years yet!

All I crave is someone to go out of their way for me, pop round and talk, take me out for a bit of fun instead of waiting for a message to come through on the pc!

If she happens to be a rich old girl, with no one to leave her fortune to so be it ūüėÄ

lonely1

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The Great Pretender

 

 

 

 

Oh yes Im the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Pretending Im doing well (ooh ooh)
My need is such I pretend too much
Im lonely but no one can tell

Oh yes Im the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Adrift in a world of my own (ooh ooh)
I play the game but to my real shame
Youve left me to dream all alone

Too real is this feeling of make believe
Too real when I feel what my heart can’t conceal

Ooh ooh yes Im the great pretender (ooh ooh)
Just laughing and gay like a clown (ooh ooh)
I seem to be what Im not (you see)
Im wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that you’re still around

Yeah ooh hoo
Too real when I feel what my heart can’t conceal

Oh yes Im the great pretender
Just laughing and gay like a clown (ooh ooh)
I seem to be what Im not you see
Im wearing my heart like a crown
Pretending that youre
Pretending that you’re still around

#########################

The first verse sums me up perfectly

Who Am I? or Who I am!

The question of all questions.

The question that keeps me awake most of all.

The question without a real definitive answer

Can you really answer this question?

Here is what I know… I am a (in no particular order)

  • Father & Step Father
  • Son
  • Brother
  • Grandson
  • Nephew
  • Husband
  • The Moose (to my Facebook friends at least LOL)

But even this isn’t really helpful. I am a son yes but neither parents talk to me, I’m a brother but my siblings only talk to me if I initiate contact,

I am a hunky,spunky,funky,chunky monkey!

I am a complex series of contradictions that much I do know as this list shows

  1. I’m happy but I’m sad
  2. I’m up but I’m down
  3. I’m pessimistic but I’m an optimist
  4. I’m sociable but I’m reclusive
  5. I’m¬†likable¬†but I’m loathed
  6. I’m friendly but I’m alone
  7. I’m confident but I’m insecure
  8. I’m smiling but I’m crying
  9. I like my own space but I¬†don’t¬†like being alone
  10. I’m strong but I’m weak

we will stick with 10 for now but there are more and I know people will have their opinions of these especially those who know the REAL me (it’s a small number in comparison to those who know me)

This doesn’t make me any different from any other person on the planet. Except when you are battling depression it manifests itself into bigger problems. The feelings of¬†worthlessness is hard to shake “I am a failure” is easier to say than “I¬†achieved¬†something”

If I look back on my life though could I really list things that I have achieved that have made me proud? Thinking hard and honestly I can’t think of anything from the top of my head. As a kid I played football for Arsenal, West Bromwich Albion and Norwich junior teams but so did hundreds of others. It didn’t take me anywhere, I am not a professional footballer which was the only dream I had as a kid. Does this make me a failure? Or do I celebrate the fact I played for these teams in the first place?

And there it is the only real thing I can call an achievement and it’s not a lot for 33 years lived is it?

But what is an achievement? defined here

a·chieve·ment

n.
1. The act of accomplishing or finishing.
2. Something accomplished successfully, especially by means of exertion, skill, practice, or perseverance.
So am I missing accomplishments as well as achievements?
Being depressed means there are things that I should be adding to my list but don’t think are worthy? Should writing this blog be added as an accomplishment?
The hardest thing about trying to define who I am is my career. As you know I am currently off work sick but have been out of work now for 2 years! Since leaving school in 1995 I have had lots of jobs from retail, selling pc’s and laptops, being an at home loan provider and collector to working in a school as a Learning Support Assistant. I have coached kids football teams for 5 years in my free time as a labour of love is it an achievement to be a qualified football coach even though it’s a course that you really cannot fail unless your incredibly stupid! (an example of this was the man who turned up for the course drunk!)
I have no idea what I want to do work wise! I am 33 and do not have a clue! My favourite job was working in the school I loved seeing how much difference I made to the kids there but I am not qualified to do the job anymore. Government cut backs meant lots of people in these jobs were laid off so schools can be more selective in who they hire and they want people with the qualifications!  Of course I could do the course to get the qualification BUT you need to work in a school to be assessed as part of the course! Catch 22 or what!
Yet the prospect of going back to school then college terrifies me! I am a clever person but I am not academic as one teacher wrote in my school report “Garry is more street wise than academic” which is true to an extent. Take maths for example I am great at¬†arithmetic but failed because I couldn’t get my head around the formulas required to measure a circle!
Just the thought of going back to work causes me to become anxious again – The Dr said I have “High Intensity Depression” and stress and anxiety are big factors in this! I kind of envy you who are at work with depression but I don’t think I could cope with it at the moment… Does this make me a failure?
I guess I can call my marriage an achievement! People thought we wasn’t going to last one person even said it was a “sham marriage” next month we celebrate 7 years together and 4 years married and I have to say since I got diagnosed with depression and started communicating with Sheryl our marriage is stronger than ever! I am lucky to have her!
So thinking positive we found something I can be proud of lol
Now back to question of Who I am…..
I am lonely above everything else, despite my wife’s efforts. She is busy with the kids and can do without me acting like one too but I admit it I’m needy! I need reassurances, attention, affection not just from her but everyone. I like to be in people’s thoughts in a positive way and it seems like since I left my Facebook family I have got worse! I am trying to escape the moose persona I have had for the best part of 4 years and trying to find myself again.
Blogging is changing me for the better it has only been 3 weeks but its made me so proud of myself. Yet my needy side is screaming out for more viewers, more likes, more followers.
A moment of clarity has arrived and I can conclude the following….
I AM AN ATTENTION SEEKER!!
That was like an eureka moment HA HA!
What I want to be able to say when people ask me WHO I AM is
I AM GARRY!!!!!