Moose’s 30 days..Day 2

Day 2 is all about pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Last month I took part in a tough mudder and the Vitality 10k in London.

I used to be sporty, playing football 7 days a week until I suffered an injury which took 2 operations to make worse ( not that I’m bitter about it of course)

In terms of exercising I can run about 200 yards before the pain kicks in. Yet I completed both events. I didnt quit despite every bone, muscle and joint screaming at me to stop.

10k and tough mudder completed

It wasnt about proving others wrong. It was all about proving myself wrong. Showing myself that if I set my mind to a challenge I can get through it no matter the hurdles, no matter the pain. The sense of pride I felt at the finish line made the agony worth it.

Having said that 6 days on from the 10k and I’m still walking like I’ve shit myself but sacrifices are needed at times.

One Tough Mudder Moose

Impulsive, reckless, brave, stupid and “what the fuck were you thinking?”

Just a few of the things said to me when I told people I had signed up to do a tough mudder.

I was also told that I’d never be able to finish it, told by my physiotherapist not to do it because of injury.

On top if that imagine how many times i tried to talk myself out of doing it. My anxiety and depression playing tricks with my head telling me that I wouldnt be able to do it, I’d chicken out and find an excuse not to turn up.

WRONG!!!

As my best friends will tell you this moose is one stubborn fucker when he wants to be. I had something to prove to a lot of people but most importantly I had something to prove to myself.

It hurt, it hurt a fucking lot. I had to push till adrenaline kicked in to take the pain away and ride it out.

I was with a group of around 100 men and women from the 30+ fitness community and foxes. If you need to find a family to push/motivate and encourage you to get exercising this is the place for you. They have female only groups too.

Go to https://www.30plusmensfitness.com/ and see if there are groups near you. I know there are some in Essex, Cardiff, Hereford, Berkshire and North London and cannot recommend them enough. It’s a family full of support not just for exercising but mental health support to. Without this group I would not have completed the hardest physical challenge I’ve ever attempted.

I did 10 miles yesterday and had an absolute blast and felt very proud of myself for not giving up and getting over the finish line. In 3 weeks I’m going the vitality 10k in London and it will be a breeze compared to the tough mudder.

I’m trying to raise money for Mind in these challenges if you would like to sponsor me please click here

On to the next challenge and maybe signing up for next years tough mudder…

Exercise and depression…good and bad

It’s well documented that exercise can help with depression, producing endorphins that improve your mental health and for me personally my drop in good mental health coincided with an injury that stopped me going to the 30+ fitness sessions.

Despite my size I actually enjoy exercising and the 30+ group are wonderful. Banter, great group of blokes and very supportive coaches but the problems are that my body isnt as willing or able as the mind.

In this sense exercise is bad for my depression because I cant do it! And I’m desperate too.

I’m seeing a physiotherapist fortnightly to get to the root of 3 injuries, each one stopping me from doing what I want and need to do!

And its driving me fucking mad. Cant do boxing due to shoulder/neck problem, cant do running cos of knees and struggling to do too much cardio cos of my glutes!!

Back in the day I was a half decent footballer, before I became the shape of a ball, and I’m pretty sure without the knee injury and subsequent operation at 17 I would have made it as a professional. Therein lies the root of my frustration at my inability to do basic things like go for a jog without breaking down 200 yards later.

I want to exercise, I want to feel the euphoric buzz of pushing myself again. It makes my depression take a back seat and improves my mood, my self esteem and my faith in myself.

Are these injuries psychological? Dont get me wrong the pain feels real enough as my late night dash to A and E proved, but is it more a case of my head playing tricks on me?

All I know is that within the next 8 weeks I have to do a tough mudder and a 10k run and it’s going to kill me. I went for a jog (using the term loosely) and couldn’t walk for 2 fucking days. I WILL complete both events but at what cost?

It’s getting me down massively, I’m not working and my sleep pattern is shot to shit and I’m on a slippery slope and that’s why I need the exercise routine again for my own sanity. Obviously not being a fat bastard is a big incentive too but forgetting the physical aspects I need the mental health benefits more.

Its frustrating the hell out of me!!!

Accountability and responsibility

Two key elements that have been disregarded since Christmas time. I pretty much downed tools and did the usual Moose thing in terms of self neglect, impulsiveness and recklessness. If I wanted to do something because the idea was in my head I would simply do it. For example one morning I woke up and decided to get my chest and back waxed, so I did. Never again lol and hats off to those of you who get other parts waxed! A new tattoo? Sure why not 4 hours later sitting in tattooists getting an awesome new but of ink, holiday for my birthday in November? Booked and nearly paid for within a few weeks.

Am I harming anyone? Hurting people with my actions? The answer is a resounding no.

It seems that it’s more about rebelling against the shit that’s happened over the years and living my life, my way.

So why self neglect? It’s about ignoring my mental health, and when I take my eyes off the prize I sink. This blog has made me hugely aware of triggers, signs and symptoms of the black dog taking hold and for 2 months I ignored it. I’m great at being there for my friends, and even strangers who contact me via this blog or the Facebook page and it gives me a huge amount of pleasure knowing people see me as someone they can reach out and be heard without judgement, and just be listened to.

It was one of the main reasons I started blogging and a huge part of why I returned.

Depression can make you feel like you’re the only person in the world with those thoughts and feelings and while it’s not seen as bad as bipolar, personality disorders etc it’s still something that affects so many people.

The point is that ultimately I am responsible for maintaining good mental health, it’s up to me to take my tablets regularly, it’s on me if I make impulsive decisions to sign up for tough mudders (what the fuck was I thinking!!???)

Accountability comes from taking responsibility for the things I have, or have not done. I need to get my arse back into exercising again, back on the healthy eating. If I want to look in the mirror and like what I see then that’s down to me to put the effort in and maintain the discipline required.

For the past 3 months I’ve been guilty of just doing the opposite of what made my mental health better.

I love my Saturday night drinks with karl, good music, dancing, women and cocktails and look forward to it. The difference now to say a month ago is I’m going there to enjoy myself and not to self medicate.

The tide is turning back my way again because I’m taking responsibility for it and full accountability.

Watch this space because I’m determined, injuries allowing, to get all that weight back off again and reach my goal weight by end of this year at the latest.

Exercise is very good for my mind even if it cripples my body. It’s the lesser of two evils. The injuries occur because my body cant handle the weight I’m carrying, yet prevents me from exercising properly to get it off. This means that diet is massively important.

The 30+ group will help, inspire, nag, motivate and drag me through the pain to reach my goals. Now I just need to get back on it…..

Week 1 over

First week of the 6 week challenge is over already. I ache in places that have never ached before. My diet has never seen such a lack of burgers/chips and Pepsi max shares have fallen as I’m not drinking it either. Water huh? Who knew……

But despite the aches, the hunger and the lack of crisps, chocolate and junk food Im loving it.

I’m aching cos im active using my arms and legs properly not just to walk to the kebab shop (not that I walk there-i drive but you get the gist)

There is a great group of men all doing rhis challenge and all being very supportive throughout the sessions and on the facebook group and its been great for me mentally already.

My head is clearer than its been since I got back from Majorca and it feels great to be in control again.

I will get the results i want because i still have more to give. I’m cautious still, my knee is trying to stop me but I have to push through the pain whilst at the same time trying not to injure myself.

The hardest part so far is the frustration in my head at not being able to physically do what my head expects is possible…yet

I need to remind myself that im closing in on 40 so this will take time. What was easy 20 years ago isnt now. I’m not as active or fit as i was then but week by week i will improve.

This isn’t just about the 6 weeks its about changing 30 years of bad habits.

Food wise im eating smaller portions of better foods and I’ve already lost 7lbs…

Encouraging start but still long way to go and seeing the first result has given me extra motivation and belief in myself that I can do this 20lb target easily….

Big thank you to those supporting me on my Facebook page. Your encouragement really helps. If you haven’t visited me on there look me up, like the page and spread the word. There are some great people on there and I’m certainly more active and visible on Facebook than here….

Week 2 starts tomorrow BRING IT ON!!!!

Changing Moose

The past month has been hedonistic to say the least. Even Charlie Sheen called me and asked me to slow down. Its not healthy for me mentally and actually its just making things worse, fun as it has been.

When your friend feels the need to have a quiet word and you can sense the worried tone in his voice its time to wake up again and get head out of the sand and face reality.

So let’s call the last month my “Goodbye 30s blow out month” and never speak of it again….

As the saying goes “What happens in your Goodbye 30s blowout month stays in your Goodbye 30s blowout month”…..

Im affected by memories and anniversary dates and finally figured out why I’ve been off the rails so much lately and thanks to Karl’s well chosen words and support its time to move onwards and upwards.

As my old friend weegee would say “keep on keeping on”

There are just over 2 months before my 40th birthday and I need to find a new outlet. Random sex with strangers is not helping matters and I’ve run out of “I slept with the Depressed Moose” t-shirts to hand out so i need something more rewarding and challenging.

With that in mind I have signed up for a 6 weeks fitness and nutritional boot camp to get my arse into gear and hopefully be able to use the endophines to improve my mental health. Weight loss is the aim as well as getting fitter because the way I see myself now is getting me down. Even if its more in my head than how others see me I would like to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see rather than be embarrassed. Hell maybe even look down and see my toes again…

Its going to be a real challenge, I have to try changing my whole diet, my eating habits and lifestyle and truth be told I’m a lazy bastard who really doesnt think I’m worth the effort….

I had my weigh in today no getting out of it now so here are my facts as I start tomorrow

• Weight 225lbs
• Stomach measurement 43 inches
• Chest measurement 42 inches
• Hips measurement 43 inches

The target weight loss in 6 weeks is 20lbs which should be achievable but im aiming to at least be under 200lbs by the time this is up.

3 exercise classes a week and better food choices should make it easier.

I’m both excited and anxious. The last time I really exercised properly was 5 years ago training for the Bupa 10k run I did.

I need something and I just hope this is what I need….

Wish me luck and if you see me in Epping anywhere near a burger slap it out my hands quick!!

Gym Meet The Moose, Moose Meet Exercise

Having signed up for the gym on Monday I have completed 4 sessions this week so far. I woke up early again this morning and was in the gym by 9.10!

That’s almost 3 hours earlier than I would normally wake up so progress is being made! In fact most of this week I have been waking up early and actually doing something positive with my days.

Although £30 a month membership is quite a big chunk of my benefits (especially once the new changes come into effect) I am pretty sure the positives of being active, socialising and actually leaving home with outweigh the downside of more financial struggle. I will probably make the money back by not eating so much shit as I try to get myself back into shape!

Funny how people are so obsessed with having a six pack when I should be shouting about my 26 pack I currently have! surely seeing as 26 is much higher mine is more impressive?

The photo below shows just how far I have to go in order to get to the gym so I would appreciate a round of applause for making the effort just to get there! Bare in mind I am usually knackered by the time I get there 🙂

Follow Black Line for walk to Gym

Okay so maybe I can’t use the excuse that it is too far to go! But the plan is to take Lilybet to nursery and then hit the gym on the way home for an hour or more (knees permitting!)

They say exercise is good for depression but from my point of view it doesn’t help YET!

Allow me to explain

My knees are fucked! so far 7 minutes is the amount of time it takes before the pain gets really bad on the treadmill but I soldier on…

7 FUCKING MINUTES!! im only 34 for the love of God! I should be able to not suffer pain after 7 minutes WALKING on a treadmill! – This makes me depressed

I cannot do the things that I used to find easy! – This makes me depressed

I’m the fat guy at the Gym – This makes me really depressed

I am terribly conscious of the state of my body even worse because of the fact that I was a footballer once upon a time! now I look like a football. Seeing the posers strutting through the gym does my head in! “Hey look at me” walking around and not on any machines just strutting lol

And yet I am going to enjoy this little experiment of going to the gym and trying to get healthy! The great bonus is that I can count how many calories I have lost and reward myself with a Big Mac!

Moose getting ready to hit the treadmill!

 

I spend too much time worrying about the here and now and not the bigger picture. Obviously deep down I know that I cannot walk straight back into a gym after 8 years and do the things I used to be able to! But that is not how my brain and depression work.

“You can’t do it you’re a failure!”

“Give up the pain is too much”

and many other phrases my mind uses to try and get me back home and under the duvet!

Trying to work through it all brings its own rewards though and the knowledge that for the past 3 days I have been on the treadmill for an hour at a time makes the pain worthwhile!

Just over 5k in an hour! a good start for a fat moose

 

so although at the moment exercise is not great for my depression the future looks promising once I give myself time to see the results of the work I put in. Then I can deal with my body issues and feel pride in the effort I am making.

This is assuming I can stick to this once the bad cycles makes its inevitable appearance! Things are much easier to do when your feeling up.

That two minute walk from home to the gym could be the best little walk I have made in years!

And as always, if I can do this then so can YOU! meet me at the treadmill! I’m the guy with St John’s Ambulance men on standby.

The other good thing about the location of my gym is that we are in The Only Way Is Essex (TOWIE) land so if I am wearing shorts and the IBS kicks in and I have an accident I can simply say that my fake tan has smeared down my legs 😀

 

Pearls of Wisdom from DWP

I had an early night last night. Went to bed at 10 to watch The Godfather part 2 and fell asleep not long after and before I knew it I was awake at the crack of a sparrows fart!

Sometimes I enjoy waking up and watching the night turn into day, especially if there is a nice sunrise – I find it kind of symbolic in a “it’s a new dawn” kind of way.

The past few days since my last post have been pretty great. I seem to have a new found confidence and feeling of optimism that has been missing for a long time and I wake up each morning looking forward to the day as opposed to waking up tired and miserable. I must admit I like the way I am feeling at the moment and just up it lasts!

Yesterday I received a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) with an update on the housing benefit changes that will soon come into force. Not only did they bring me the good news that they estimate I will have to find £50 a week to cover the rent but they also came up with some rather helpful suggestions for dealing with the decrease in housing benefit.

1. Ask your landlord for a reduction in the cost of your rent!
2. move into cheaper accommodation
3. get a job and claim working tax credit

speechless? yes I was too when I read this. I can just imagine the laughter from landlords up and down the country as millions of people now ring them up and ask for cheaper rent! naturally they are all going to say yes and make the rent cheaper for us.

Here is an example of what will happen:

me: Hi Home group the DWP suggested I should ring you and request you decrease my rent as my housing benefit is no longer covering the full amount.

home: HA HA HA HA tell the DWP to go fuck themselves with that suggestion!

or words to that affect.

me: Hi Redbridge council, the DWP suggest I should move into cheaper accommodation

Redbridge: what? your already over occupied in your tiny flat as it is so there is no way we can move you into anything smaller and therefor cheaper. Besides your on the waiting list for a BIGGER property. Tell the DWP to go fuck themselves with that suggestion.

you get the drift.

It must be nice to live in the same world as government officials and agencies where no doubt unicorns fart rainbows and Iain Dickhead Smith is considered as a thoroughly nice man!

Add to this the new council tax bill that has been received and it all seems like the government is working hard to piss me off at the moment, but they won’t bring me down.

Yesterday I even went and joined the gym across the road from my flat. The exercise on referral scheme has inspired me to get back on track with losing weight. I was measure across my stomach and it was a staggering 46 inches! I need to do something about this. When I was asked what my goals were for the exercise scheme my reply was “to see my penis when I look down!” somewhat tongue in cheek but would be nice to actually feel confident about how I look for a change.

Now I just need to get my ass into the gym especially as my 10k run is 2 months away!

Speaking of my 10k run on 27th May who is coming to meet me at the finish line? Would be great to have some people cheering me on (or carrying the stretcher) especially if you all bring a big mac each cos I will need to eat something 😀

Exercise Referral Scheme and Moose

I have a good feeling about today, I woke up at a reasonable hour today for a change! In fact the last time I saw 9 am was probably when I had stayed awake all night due to not being able to sleep.

But today I woke up at 8.45 and for the first time, in what seems like forever, I woke up and actually felt refreshed and not knackered! This will have a huge impact on my day as nothing is worse than waking up still tired and drained and it is a nice feeling to wake up feeling good.

Today I am heading out into the world to attend my induction for the exercise referral scheme that my GP has referred me to. I did not know this existed until I received a phone call about it last week offering me a place and it seems like it could be a good thing for me.

A quick search for “Redbridge exercise referral scheme” on Google gave me the following information..

Exercise on Referral is where doctors or other health professionals can refer individuals who they feel would benefit from physical activity and help them fight their medical conditions.

Who is the Exercise on Referral Scheme for?

The Exercise on Referral Scheme is for residents who are 16+, not active and would like to increase their physical activity levels. The scheme is designed so qualified instructors can help people with medical conditions achieve their targets.

Common conditions for referral:

• Diabetes
• Obesity
• Asthma
• Hypertension
• Depression/Stress/Anxiety
• Bone/Joint/Muscular Conditions
• CHD Risk Factors

What are the benefits of the scheme?

Regular physical activity will help:

• Reduce the risk of coronary heart disease.
• Assist with weight loss.
• Reduce stress and anxiety.
• Control blood sugar levels.
• Improve mobility and posture.
• Strengthen muscles.
• Socialise and have fun.
• Improve quality of life and overall health.

What activities are available?

At the moment individuals will be able to participate in:

Gym Sessions: Customers will be given individual exercise programmes which they will be able to follow under guidance of our qualified instructors.

Gym Circuit Classes: Our instructors will deliver circuit classes in the gym that will work all areas of the body and give you that little bit of variety.

Studio Classes: These classes will be a mixture of aerobic and circuit based sessions and will give individuals the chance to exercise outside of the gym. All of the classes will be taught by one of our qualified instructors who are there to assess and monitor your progress, help you exercise safely and with confidence, motivate and encourage you and answer all of your questions.

 

But this is a national scheme not just local to me and I wonder how many people are actually aware of this, I think it could be a great thing for a lot of people. This offers me a lot of benefits not just my depression but also my weight and knees/muscle problems and I am actually looking forward to seeing what is available.

Lord knows I need some help and motivation to exercise as looking at me presently makes people wonder when the baby is about to arrive and question whether its twins or triplets! here is proof taken about in July, although I have been hitting the weights recently so would hope I look better now.

If this is something that might appeal to you it could be worth mentioning this to your GP and finding out if it is available in your area, chances are that it will be and as we are constantly being told that exercise is good for our mental health then maybe jump on board, we can have a race to a six pack competition! Actually I did have a 6 pack once, but I drunk it 😀

I will update later with more information if I can get some from the people I am seeing later. In the mean time how about a little celebration to start the day…

My little blog just got its 300th follower! 300!! crazy huh but makes me feel very proud of myself so thank you for the bottom of my heart!

Exercise does not help everyone

I did a brave thing today. I dusted off the scales in the bedroom and inserted batteries in them.

Well I say brave but probably stupid is a better term. Who knew that scales could talk! Mine said “ouch” when I stood on them.

So here is the bad news

MY SCALES LIE

yep that’s correct turns out denial is not just a river in Egypt

Okay Okay the truth

My weight as of today stands at a whopping 16 stone or 224lbs

Its official I am a fatty :0( well I have known that for a while but now I am telling the world

Naturally the easy thing for everyone to suggest is to exercise, after all it releases chemicals that improve moods etc etc

Here is the thing though Exercise is a massive trigger for me!

Let me tell you more, are you sitting comfortably? good then I will begin….

When I was a teenager football (soccer) was my life and I was pretty damn good at it too! I spent 4 years on the books of professional football teams, even went on tour with West Bromwich Albion and they wanted me to sign for them.

One day playing for my local team my studs got caught in the ground and my body went one way and my knee went the other!

I had an operation at 17/18 and the hospital lost all the notes from the op and basically that was the end of that. I continued to play for a local mens side until I was around 23 but the knee problems basically forced me to quit football altogether.

It got to the stage where I would train on a Tuesday and not be able to walk for 3-4 days afterwards, then play Saturday and the cycle would continue.

When you have played football from the age of 8 until 23 every week, as a kid 365 days a year and to have it taken away from you is devastating. Even something simple like walking causes me pain even worse in the coming months as I have arthritis now in my knees.

What makes it worse is the fact that I have not learned to deal with the change. I feel worthless because I cannot do the simple things like kick a ball with Brandon because of the pain. Imagine how that makes me feel as a parent always having to say no to playing football with him.

Anything that is considered an “impact” sport is out! which pretty much leaves swimming.

Except for 2 problems

1) I can’t swim

2) I am scared of getting in the water

This pretty much leaves dieting as my only option and thus far the “Junk Food Diet” I am on is doing nothing for the waistline despite improving my moods!

DAMN YOU CHOCOLATE AND CRISPS

This BMI crapola doesn’t help me either – according to them my BMI is 34.1 which makes me obese.

If I search online my ideal weight for my height should be 154 lbs or 11 stone!

Check out the photos of me here and imagine me 5 stone lighter? I would look ill!

I am going to start an exercise regime of sorts with my weights and see if I can start dropping some lbs! If I can get down to around 12 1/2-13 stone I will be happy with that. Time to cut out the chocolate methinks

If we could all observe a minutes silence for chocolate…..

I will keep you updated. If i can get to 15 stone by Christmas I will be very happy thats a reasonable target isnt it? a stone in 3 months?