The broken moose and the rebuilding again

It seems strange that I’m back here after 2 long years, 2 years that have seen a lot of changes in the world and in the my life. I met someone who I thought would be the one, the happiness was magnificent for the longest time and I moved from London to the North East to start a new life in July last year.

As always in my life things haven’t gone to plan and now here I am starting over again with a broken heart, no friends in 300 miles and in the worst state mentally than I have been in years. In the space of a few weeks I lost my partner, which meant I had to move out of her house so I lost a home and then lost my job too. Thankfully I managed to find somewhere to live but it’s not mine, not a home and frankly I feel like I have nowhere that I can call a safe place.

Originally I was renting the house by myself but unfortunately the landlady has had to move back into the place so while I had made the place start to feel like home its now a room in a house. I am, however, thankful that she is allowing me to stay but for how long I do not know. The lack of security is really affecting my mental health and I’ve been in a terrible way.

Relationships end thats a part of life but it doesn’t make it hurt any less. On top of the grieving for the end of that and the feeling of being so alone it has been the worst period of my life since the overdose episode almost 9 years ago.

I have started a new job this past few days so hopefully things will start looking up but it feels like one step forward and 7 back. I miss my friends and family but I love it up here and want to make a life for myself. It’s just hard with no money, friends or family but I guess it could be worse couldn’t it? And so I’m starting over AGAIN and hopefully in a few months might be in a position to rent somewhere having saved a deposit up.. surely there’s light somewhere at the end of this tunnel?

Return of the black dog

It’s been a week since I started this post. For a whole 7 days all I’ve had is the title, hundreds of words written , deleted and wrote again.

Christmas is an horrific time of year if you’re lonely. People sharing photos surrounded by loved ones enjoying the day do not help. Then back to work and endless questions about whether you enjoyed Christmas, had a nice one etc etc

Truth is most of my Christmas was spent in bed fighting tears and emotions. It was fucking awful. Thank God I was able to go and see a friend in the evening to get me out the house…

I’ve been on a spiral for a number of weeks, not helped by ghosts from the past. I don’t want any contact from particular people who still seem to think I care about the gaslighting and bullshit that comes hand in hand. Get on with your own fucking life stay out of mine! I’ve blocked you on social media, blocked your email address and phone numbers and there’s a reason for that. I’m not interested whatsoever in you or your life, and seeing as you obviously still read my blogs I hope you finally take notice. You can have your version of the truth and I will have the real truth and never the twain shall meet. History will no doubt repeat itself and as long as I’m no longer collateral damage I couldn’t care less. I’m starting this year with a blank page and erasing all the shit from last year and focusing on me, my friends, my family and doing what I want.

Today is the 1st day in weeks I have woken up and not felt like going straight back to sleep. I’ve woken up in a better place and actually feel ready to take on the world again.

This blog is a huge part of my life, I want to write frequently again and I will.

I’m not promising 2019 will be all positivity, sunshine and lollipops but it will be better for me…….

There will be more posts today. I feel creative, I feel inspired and I feel (whisper it quietly) happy

Goodbye 30s…thanks for nothing

Tonight is my last night in my 30s and I can’t wait to see the back of what can only be described as a cluster fuck of a decade.

It started so well, newly married, baby on the way but has ended up a fucking disaster…

My 30s have consisted of…

• Failed marriage and divorce
• Depression
• A suicide attempt
• An abusive relationship
• Losing too many friends/family
• Losing myself

However lets turn some of it around. Despite all the bad stuff I’ve survived, at one point it was touch and go. I nearly didn’t see 35 let alone 40.

At the moment I’m going through an awful period mentally. The black dog is barking and biting hard and its been a real struggle. A combination of still having a chest infection for months, over working and being haunted by memories have dragged me down to a low dark place.

I remember things too well, something innocuous can send me spirraling backwards or into a tailspin that can take weeks to recover from.

When one of your best friends uses the phrase “doing a Garry” and follows it up with “When things are going well and looking up you suddenly feel the need to self destruct” you start to question things.

Is that what I do?

I mean all I really want is to find that special someone, live a drama free life and be happy and loved but am I so damaged that I’m subconsciously self destructing as a coping mechanism? A way of preventing opportunities arising to protect myself from anymore hurt and pain?

It’s not just the theory of one but of a couple of people, people that know me the best.

I’m lucky to have friends like these who see through the front, the bravado, the cockiness etc and tell me what I don’t want to hear but NEED to hear.

I need to find a way out of this slump. I want to get my arse back to the training again, I’ve made one session this month for various reasons.

If I could choose a gift for my birthday it would be the gift of self discipline, I need to reach down deep yet again and find a way to channel things into a positive solution. I’ve slipped backed into old dangerous habits and I know only one person can pull me out of it.

Yet behind the flirtatious, cheeky, did he really just say that persona is a man who just wants to find his passion for life again.

At 40 I should know what i want but still have no fucking idea, career wise, life wise. At which point does it become too late? I don’t want to lose my faith in the happy ever after BUT… It’s ebbing away slowly.

So as I start my 40s I want them to be spectacular, eventful, happy, joyous and life changing. No more hurting, self destructing, letting memories haunt me.

They say life begins at 40…. I truly fucking hope so because I can’t take another decade like the last one.

Saying goodbye to the people I’ve loved over the years and closing the chapter on everything thats hurt me since I hit 30, especially the last 6 years is the start.

Here I come into my naughty forties…..tomorrow morning Im going to wake up, smile, be thankful and spend the precious few days I have off work getting my groove back.

Moosey turning 40

Ending The Chapter…

This will be the last word on this subject until I have something to report in terms of an outcome. It has been  suggested that keeping something inside is preventing me from starting the new chapter in my life and I wholeheartedly agree.

There are things I have wanted to say but held back, things I needed to confess to help explain but more importantly I need to use my writing as a way of closing the chapter to enable me to find the strength to move on.

Let me make this clear before we begin, I love Sheryl still and would love to have her come back. This has to be something she wants though because I am done with fighting a battle that is not winnable currently.

However the five months since Sheryl left have been hell for me, as the time has gone by and I found myself getting better I made me want her here so that we could go out and enjoy each others company, have a drink and a laugh being Garry and Sheryl and not Mum and Dad. Then when the darkness came back it made me realise that I needed Sheryl to help me climb out of it.

There is difference between wanting and needing someone, and at my worse I NEEDED her to look after me, mother me in many ways. This is not good for a relationship but it was the illness not Garry. I have loved Sheryl since the first time I laid eyes on her, I knew she was the one for me. I wanted her, wanted to be with her and wanted to make her happy but the neediness depression cursed me with destroyed that.

I was guilty of treating her terribly, neglecting her needs and making her feel inadequate. I have to live with that fact. I could not provide for her emotionally, expecting to take not give. I spent too much time doing things on my own and not as a team, not involving her.

I was ill, although this may not be an excuse in some peoples eyes, believe me the depression has changed me in so many ways.

I stopped being the man she married.

I have held on to ALL the blame for it going wrong.

I completely understand why she left, although I do not know the reasons fully.

However

There are two sides to every story and it takes two to work on or break a marriage.

When you are rejected nightly for years and not allowed in the marital bed it will give any man self esteem issues, it ate away at me and is a big reason behind me being the way I am now, in terms of confidence.

When you are constantly checked up on, to see if you are doing things you shouldn’t be, it causes resentment.

When you have to question if you are loved, something is not right.

I can walk away knowing I tried, boy did I try, to reconcile. I never wanted to lose Sheryl but in her own words “don’t bother fighting – It’s over. This was said 3 days after she walked out.

Now as my friends will know, I do not believe you can stop loving someone overnight, sure you can fall in and out of love with someone – that is why it is important to keep working at relationships – but to suddenly feel nothing? sorry call me a fool but I don’t believe it. Be that as it may I have to accept it and can’t keep sitting around waiting for reality to catch up with her. I have to let it go for my sake.

The last time we were physically together was in August and she couldn’t say it was over to my face. The proof has to be in her actions as she wont look me in the eye and say words.

When I took my overdose I text her to tell her what I had done, no I dont know why but when you reach that point you do not think clearly, she did not once try to contact me to find out if I was out of hospital let alone still alive.

That is not the action of someone who loves you.

I have held myself back for too long now hoping for a miracle and now the time has come for me to stop kidding myself.

This is the end of that chapter we shall refer to as “The Breakup” let me now start working on the next phase because I have some plans and changes in mind that will, eventually, see me improved in many areas.

If It Is Bad For Me…

You can bet your bottom dollar that I will either be doing it, have done or in the process of considering doing it.

Even though I know it is bad for both me and my mental health.

Let me give you some examples:

Obviously lets start with the hardest one.

Sheryl wants nothing to do with me, hardly replies to any effort to communicate with me.

So what do I do? I send her a message now and again, then stress that she has ignored me again. What am I expecting from this? Well we all know what I am expecting, it’s called the impossible. BAD!

I want her to divorce me, not because I want a divorce but because I don’t feel like I can truly move on until it happens. If she doesn’t want me why not just file and get it done? Almost six months is plenty of time to miss someone enough to want to try again, as that has not happened then cut ties for both our sakes..

Speaking of moving on…

what the fuck was I thinking when I signed up for online dating? Low esteem is always helped when you are constantly being ignored by strangers who think they are better than you, above you etc. I am pretty sure it is in the “how to help your confidence” book that online dating is the way forward… excuse me while my sarcasm detector explodes! BAD!

Now we all know that I am not coping very well with the whole marriage breaking up issue, I am pretty sure I do not hide it from you as well as I think 😀 but besides Miss Never Gonna Happen deciding that actually it might happen (this is not going to happen for the record) there is nothing to be gained from constantly putting myself out there to be shot down, but I still do. Yet to me that does show a little belief that I do have something to offer someone…

Money – lets cut to the chases, I have none yet when I do have it I spend it like water. The bills and food ALWAYS come first, but I would like to be able to manage it better and not have the stress involved with Christmas around the corner.

I have taken some steps to rectify the financial crisis I am dealing with, but will take a few weeks/months to bare fruit but if it means I can move forward and have a spare few quid in the bank from time to time then hopefully a little short terms pain will be worth it. However kids if you’re reading Christmas is cancelled this year 😀

I am very conscious of how much stress I am under lately and how much of it is actually all coming from within. I am trying to focus on dealing with it in a measure manner rather than guns blazing, which usually gets me nowhere!

Worse of all though is how little care and attention I pay myself, yet can spend hours trying to help others. This has resulted in the beautiful mess that Garry currently portrays. I MUST learn to use the advice I give others for myself, to value myself more and the past few days I have been working on it, even reading self help books that a wonderful person sent my way.

Changes are in the pipeline for 2014, this year has been the worst of my life and the sooner 2013 fucks off the better. All being well I will be starting a course in February on Mental Health Awareness Level 1. Will provide more details if I pass the interview needed to get on the course.

I really have big ideas for next year that I will be investigating between now and the new year. They are ridiculously beyond me and are only a dream but we have to aim high dont we?

So my pledge to you for the rest of 2013 is to stop doing the things I know are bad for me, to work on Garry and to look after myself better.

Then when 2014 joins us I will be in a much better position to help other people, which is what I really want to do.

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The New Old Garry

As written before the old Garry is back and 2 weeks later still going on strong. Not a single depressive thought or negative feeling in all that time either although obviously alongside the old me is an improved version.

With all the old traits of sarcasm, confidence, and a yearning to go be out socialising comes the sensitivity to other people’s feelings and wanting to help out where I can, especially when it comes to depression and mental health.

At the same time though no longer will I be a party to game playing and mind games. I am a nice guy despite my recent failings and will never again allow myself to believe that I do not deserve better than what life throws at me, time has come for me to go out and look for opportunities rather than waiting for them to appear.

As far as socialising goes okay I will admit I haven’t been out yet for a drink or 12 but thats because I have no friends in the real world to go out with. However, only having online friends is not as much as a handicap as I led myself to believe in the past. A few of them are still local to me and eventually they will take the hint and invite me out for a cup of tea at the very least! oh and pay for it cos moose is poor don’t forget. Hell I don’t even need alcohol to go out and make a prat out myself I can do that just as well with the bubbles from the pepsi in the pub 😀

A friend is a friend no matter where in the world they are.

So what tips can I give to people on how to cope with the black dog of depression?

Here are my 3 top tips

First thing to do is learn not to be so hard on yourself. This has been my biggest issue because every little mistake I made I allowed to fester away at me and increase the feeling of being a failure. Admit the mistake, apologise if anyone was caught in the crossfire and move onward and upwards. If you keep saying sorry you will only end up making it worse in your own mind.

Show me someone who thinks they have never made a mistake and I will show you a liar…

Get active is number 2! I have seen a massive increase in my recovery since hitting the gym, or even just getting outdoors for a little while. Fight through the pain if needed for the first few sessions and soon it will become part of your routine. I feel in better shape than I have for a long time and although that shape is more circle than anything else the results are there to see!

Make plans – It has always helped me to have something to look forward to, even if its just simply a friend coming over for a cuppa and a chat, it may not be a proven scientific fact but gossip helps 😀

Naturally it is all easier said than done but each of the 3 above have been major reasons as to my current state of mental health. That’s not to say they will work for you as everyone is different BUT if you haven’t tried some of them then give it a go, you have nothing to lose by trying something new.

To keep myself going through the last 2 weeks I am keeping myself  busy by staying on top of the housework and getting out at least once a day. The treadmill is slowly being tamed and after an hour on there yesterday I even attacked the rowing machine. Here is a tip for you though when using the treadmill – dont hit the fucking emergency stop button half way through your workout because you lose the stats and have to start again. Some dopey bastard did that TWICE yesterday!

Speaking of something to look forward to… Now I just need to save up £28 to book my place in next years 10k run……

If the black dog comes near you today make sure you growl first and watch it run off tail between its legs…