Keep On Keeping On

To coin a phrase the wonderful weegee likes to throw at me now and again….

Haven’t written for a few days and feel I should update you as to whats been happening in terms of depression and life for me the past week.

I can say quite openly and confidently that I am no longer depressed – yes you read that correctly!

What I am suffering now is the loneliness of being on my own, having no kids here bar the odd day here and there I am often alone in the flat. There is a massive difference between being depressed and being sad and alone. This is how I feel at the moment. There are times when I feel low and sad but these last for a few hours as opposed to days/weeks/months and I can live with that!

I just post a few little things to get them off my chest and move on…. simples 😀

I had my final talk with the amazing Dr Dhanji on Monday before he goes to Australia (another GP sick of the red tape of the NHS and moving away). He was amazed at my progress and also proud of how far I have come despite the difficult times I have had in the past few months, which a year ago would have destroyed me mentally and sent me spiraling towards sectioning!

I told him exactly how I was feeling about being lonely, to be honest I find admitting I’m lonely harder than talking about depression.

And best of all he said that the time was right for me to stay on the reduced medication as things are going so well. I didn’t have any medication for a week following my OD and all was well, I am back taking the medication though before you panic.

 

Life is great but would be even better with someone to share the good times with, the fact that I go out on my own shows how well I am doing, but would be much more fun with someone to talk to beside Jack (Daniels)..

Here is a pic taken last week at the local pub..

Moose on a night out

Moose on a night out

 

Next Friday I head off for a holiday with Brandon and cannot wait to spend some quality time with him away from these four (freshly painted) walls , despite not having spending money (donations are still accepted LOL)

Going to stay with my twin brother and his wife and I am looking forward to it immensely the Isle of Wight here we come!

So if you see a post with negativity or melancholy undertones remember that it’s just me letting off some steam, the reality is that I will feel sad having gone from having a wife and children around to it suddenly being just me and the cats. It wont always be this way and in time things will be better, especially if I can get a grip on this issue of feeling isolated and alone.

I have some good friends, and great virtual friends who I know are a message away but please don’t always be a stranger, my door is always open to friends.

After all a stranger is a friend you have yet to meet….

Today i am off to see a therapist for the first time – gonna be interesting..

And now for some music…

 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

 

ps if you haven’t liked my page on Facebook please do pop over there and say hi! click here

Advertisements

The People Person With No people

I am experiencing  a renewed zest for life, a passion for being around people and wanting to go out and do things again, Be around people who want to enjoy my company and want to be with Garry, not the man who has/had depression but the man who wants to laugh and joke, be the centre of attention again.

Only problem is there is no one around, besides the amazing Maria who checks up on me and comes to see me, Sarah who rings me to make sure I am okay, Mell who popped over to see me last weekend and Paul who invited me out for a drink, and not forgetting my mum who is keeping me busy in her garden.

I don’t want to keep being a pen pal I want to get out in the open, drinking, socialising and meeting people.

The depression is not my problem anymore, it’s being lonely that is…

 

lonely

 

So lets finally get something out in open….

Last Saturday I attempted an overdose. A combination of factors contributed to this BUT it was nothing to do with my depression, the truth is that I was supposed to be meeting a group of friends from my old Mafia Wars group on Facebook on the Saturday but when I woke up my benefits hadn’t been paid which meant I couldn’t go. The heat over the past few weeks, especially in my greenhouse of a flat, made me over tired due to lack of sleep and this disappointment of letting people down, and not being able to see them, made me do something silly. Instant remorse and hands down throat to make myself sick followed before I was taken to hospital by ambulance and given the all clear. Mentally I am 1005 fine please be reassured that this is something that will never happen again and was more down to feeling lonely and disappointed than anything else!

lonely2

 

I love being around people, not sitting around typing onto twitter and Facebook but to be able to talk to someone, seems to be a lost art these days with social media and 140 character limits on twitter. I have lots of “virtual” friends, people who showed massive concern last Saturday in particular and I love the support I receive BUT it’s meeting face to face, hearing someones voice, the phone ringing and it not being a debt collector on the other end of the call that matters to me.

Especially YOU! No names mentioned…

I do head out to the local pub but standing there on your own is not great, even if you’re someone like me who will talk to anyone. Truth be told I always come home feeling worse for going out by myself.

Depression is no longer my biggest battle, it is conquering the loneliness that is all consuming…

lonely4

 

And thus the depressed moose should be renamed the the lonely moose!

One of the downsides of having a child early in your life is that your friends are quick to walk away from you, but I would change nothing! I love my kids to bits Brandon is a good son and we are good friends too, our relationship goes from strength to strength but I can’t take him out for a drink for many years yet!

All I crave is someone to go out of their way for me, pop round and talk, take me out for a bit of fun instead of waiting for a message to come through on the pc!

If she happens to be a rich old girl, with no one to leave her fortune to so be it 😀

lonely1

Its Ironic

But when I feel so good I have no one here to share it with.

After so long in the doldrums and wanting to just hide away, that now, when I want to get out and about and socialise again that I am sitting here on a Friday night with nobody here but me and my loneliness.

Now I sit here desperate for the chance to be sitting in the pub with great company and conversation but I don’t even have enough money for a quick half of lager or even a coke.

This is not even about depression but about being alone. Hell I have Vodka, Jack Daniels and other stuff here to drink if I wanted to but its the company I want more than the alcohol…

MUST. STAY. STRONG.