Being stuck indoors gives me plenty of time to lose myself in my thoughts, as someone with low self esteem that’s not always a good thing. Its all to easy to be unkind to yourself and find fault in every aspect of your appearance and characteristics. This isnt some sort of pity party whereby I expect lots of compliments to be thrown back at me, but more of a brutally honest self analysis and reflection of how, right or wrong, I view myself because how we see ourselves isnt how others do…
Firstly I need to accept that I’m no longer the man I was, by this I mean that despite wishing I was a young attractive man in my 20s I have to accept the reality of being in my early 40s, heavier than I’d like to be and far less of a catch than I’d like to admit. I have a huge issue with my weight but not enough love doe myself, let alone discipline to do anything about it. That’s before factoring the issues with my knees, the recent fibromyalgia diagnosis has helped to a degree with this as it’s not just “in my head”
The fact is I would love to be more active, i was a footballer in my younger days yet haven’t kicked a ball in a decade. I try exercising but it comes at a cost. The tough mudder, the 10k runs etc were huge achievements for me but they were followed by weeks of intense sleep depriving pain. I work in a pub full time 5 days a week of 8 hours being on my feet cripple me beyond words at times but I do it because I have to have that routine and structure in my world. My colleagues and the majority of customers keep me going and I’m grateful that I work with some great people.
But still the person I see in the mirror daily is not the person I think I am. I dont recognise him. I’d love to look at myself and not be disgusted by the chins, the grey hair…the old man looking back at me. If you asked me the one thing I like about me it’s my green eyes..even they are tired, drained and dont bloody work properly. Dont even get me started on wearing glasses, never liked them and never will. Yet I struggle with wearing contacts as my eyes dry out quickly, I am noticeably more confident wearing contacts.
When it comes to my weight its been a struggle for the past 10 years or so, linked to the real start of pain that made me have to give up playing football on a Saturday, if you play on Saturday and cant walk till Wednesday then what is the point? and that’s where I found myself.
Mix that in with being a comfort eater and it equals a bit of a mess to say the least. When it comes to food I have very limited likes, oh to be precise im a fussy bastard. I’ve never even had a curry in my life! Throw me some crisps and chocolate and you have a friend for life, try throwing me something green and healthy and ill possibly throw it straight back.
I made the mistake of weighing myself today, the scales are liars dirty liars!
Since lockdown I have gained 7 lbs and as of today I weigh 17 and 1/2 stone 245lbs! thats not quite the biggest I’ve been but in those days I was heavily depressed and barely left the bed let alone worked full time like I do now. Does it make me want to eat less? in theory yes but then the chocolate and crisps started calling me again..
So as you as can tell physically I have one or two issues with myself. Despite that I still live in hope of meeting someone who makes effort with me and will help me becomes a better person. Encouragement is key, effort is key and just a bit more patience is required because fundamentally, beneath the flaws I am fucking awesome. I just need to see it again
But therein lies the trouble with me, if you are what you eat…. I’m a bar of dairy milk and a packet of walkers crisps
Mentally a lot of the demons have long since gone, baggage carried eventually becomes a part of you no matter how hard you try, especially when you have been through traumatic experiences. I have no issues with my personality traits, others might have but that’s a whole different blog post in itself. I’m crude, I’m offensive and very near the line at times but that’s part of the package that is the moose, or Garry if you prefer (I answer to both)
A friend recently told me to not give up on finding someone, it’s been nearly 6 years since my last date. I may not tick a lot of boxes these days but I’m worth a risk. At the very least a bit of effort…
And maybe just maybe the effort from others will make the difference and allow me to finally accept that if someone can make the time to take a chance on a fat grey haired cynical old moose then he really isnt all that bad after all