A big thank you from the moose to everyone standing up to Atos!
As we leave August and welcome September it will be soon be six months to the day that I was ready to end it all!
see here for details about my moment of weakness
Now though I can look back over the last six months and in a strange way be grateful for depression turning me into the person I am today.
Without accepting that I needed some help and subsequently being diagnosed by my GP I would have just been another victim to a life of misery.
I made a decision to embrace my illness and turn it around into something that be positive, and look at how far I have come since then.
I had not done any writing since leaving school in 1995. Seventeen years are a long time to be doing no writing whatsoever and yet without depression I would not have considered doing a blog, let alone writing books. Publishing them was never an option, I was not even aware you could self publish!
I have always been better at dealing with other people’s problems than my own but now I am helping strangers, people who have reached out to me to thank me for writing about depression. This would never have happened with my depression!
It is funny how something that has caused me so much suffering has turned into something that has inspired me, and others.
I can thank depression for forcing me into writing and doing something that I really enjoy for the first time in many years, it is really only comparable to playing football. That is a big statement because football was my life until I was 23 and the knee injury stopped me from playing. It took me ten long years to replace the feeling that football gave me and writing has given me a new lease of life.
In a round about way I can embrace depression and be happy in the knowledge that without it I would not be a published author and a (moderately) successful blogger.
So what can you do to turn your depression into something positive? The hardest thing is being able to take a back seat and look at things from a positive perspective but I can assure you there is something tucked away there that you may not be fully aware off. Be it as a writer, volunteer or even just a shoulder to cry on for someone in the same situation as you.
Has it inspired you to try something different?, or maybe like me to try something that was a long forgotten talent?
Regardless this morning I can thank depression for making my creative juices flow again and help others.
I feel good today! Better than any day in the last two weeks.
I can look back at the past few days and feel pleased that I have come few unscathed and still managed to publish the poetry book. Then edit, format, re-edit, re-format both my e-books into paperback versions, which I cannot afford to buy myself LOL. Well I had just enough credit on the visa to buy one not the other so I cannot wait until that gets delivered!
So to celebrate my good mood he is a song that always makes me singalong and smile to:
Enjoy! I hope my happiness is soon on its way to those who need it today, I am happy to share it with you all!
Imagine the joy, of everything that could be selected, it is you that is picked out.
You are going to be on display for people to look at, to view, pass comment on and possibly pass judgement on.
And yet there is so much competition. It is only a small chance that it will be you who will be given the honour today.
An honour that will make you the envy of your friends.
There is plenty of speculation as to how you get picked, what criteria is used in the selection process, should there be a picture involved?
And this is the situation my clothes find themselves in each day!
Look at them, all trying to get my attention, flaunting their colours like peacocks strutting their stuff.
Today I can exclusively reveal the selection process for you all. Please feel free to use this to benefit yourselves.
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo!
And there you have it!
Freshly pressed? I have enough trouble being freshly dressed!
I haven’t had a “good” day for so long now, it feels like weeks since I felt positive about anything that is going on.
I really just cannot shake myself out of this negative frame of mind that I am in and expect everything to go wrong lately, as I said in the past if I did not have bad luck in my life I wouldn’t have any luck whatsoever but just lately everything is grinding me down. I feel like I am slowly being sucked in a whirlpool.
All I seem to be doing lately is sleeping during the day. I don’t sleep at night until 3am, on average, and usually wake up after 4 hours. Within 2 hours I just want to head back to bed and stay there all day.
I have no energy, I am emotionally drained and physically I have nothing to offer.
And it is pissing me off!
I should be happy with the things I have done lately, but with all the crap that is going on with every other aspect of my life I just cant focus on anything good.
To be honest depression is walking all over me at this moment in time and I do not have the strength to fight back. I am so much more content when helping other people because I can take my mind off my own issues.
Issues that are getting worse. Financially between Sheryl and I we have a bank balance of -£180, yes that is a minus sign.
I miss having a car because I cannot do public transport, it is too traumatic for me with the IBS and worrying about any potential accidents I may have (with the IBS not any traffic accidents)
I feel like I could give up very easily which goes against everything I stand for, How can I claim to help others when I cant even help myself?
But fighting back and pretending to be positive is too draining, I have nothing left in the tank.
Too many things are getting to me, If Elizabeth makes that whining sound again today I think I am gonna go mental!
I want my focus back that I had when working on the books, I am at a standstill on my romance novel because I just cant be bothered to do anything!
It’s a tough time in my world at the moment and hopefully this is the “got to get worse before it gets better” stage because if things get any worse I may just go to bed and hibernate until next year.
Sorry if I am letting people down at the moment, I certainly feel that is the case. I am trying get better but at the moment it’s not happening in the way I would like.
5pm as I write this, soon be tomorrow and who knows maybe it will bring with it some new resolve.
check out the responses I have had to my post on the mind website. Blows me away thinking that people have enjoyed my letter.
Yeah I know I could have used the beetles track of the same name but the sterophonics Mister Writer fits in better with how I feel lol
I have made a paperback version of my book “Diary of The Depressed Moose” I ordered my copy yesterday but got to wait 2 weeks for delivery! Cannot wait till it arrives and it will take pride of place on my bookshelf!
If anyone wants to order the paperback come to London and I will sign it for you 🙂
I realise this decreases the value but hey I have been practising my signature all my life, as you do when you dream of being a footballer, so could be a good time to make some use of the signature.
For a fee you can even have your picture taken with me and the book 🙂
well you know gotta try and make some money somehow
Head over to https://www.createspace.com/3979255 and there is my book waiting for someone to order it and be printed! The price is higher but then it will be seeing as someone has to cut down the trees and make the paper, and then print the book. Value for money though well of course it is 😀
Don’t be shy give it a try!
I heard this song on my ipod earlier and the lyrics really hit me hard!
sample of lyrics
And it is breaking me down
Watching the world spin round
While my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?
It is breaking me down
No more friends around
And my dreams fall down
Is anybody out there?
Can anybody out there hear me?
‘Cause I can’t seem to hear myself
Can anybody out there see me?’
Cause I can’t seem to see myself
There’s gotta be a heaven somewhere
Can you save me from this hell?
Can anybody out there feel me?
‘Cause I can’t seem to feel myself
Losing my way, keep losing my way
Keep losing my way, can you help me find my way?
Losing my way, keep losing my way
Keep losing my way, can you help me find my way?
Read more: JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – LOSING MY WAY LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/losing-my-way-lyrics-justin-timberlake.html#ixzz24syiHdF1
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
I love music it gets me through rough times, as I have said to Sheryl many times : “if I am singing and dancing to music it is a good sign!”
Not singing or dancing tonight, just listening.
The tiredness of depression is wearing me down, the stress of money, Atos and all the other shit being thrown at me is getting harder to carry on my shoulders.
When I wake up tomorrow I can guarantee I will be tired!
Made an appointment with the Dr but nothing available until 5th September!
I should be happy tonight with the new book being published by you see the way my brain works is like so:
“Why has the new book already outsold the other one by 2.1 in just a few hours!”
In reality it should work like this:
“Garry you have published 2 books!”
I’m gonna borrow Weegee’s expression and say today I have a “broken brain” and its doing my head in!
People do not understand how tiring trying to be positive can be especially when all you can think about is negatives.
I am hoping I get the writing bug back in terms of my novel because the feedback has been great but in 3 days I have written virtually nothing. This is why the poem book was published slightly ahead of plan because it was starting to hang over me. Now I am just hoping people will help promote it because I have zero motivation as we speak!
This is currently the longest slump in my depression and despite peoples best efforts I can’t seem to get out of it.
Thank you Atos, Seetec and the economy for screwing with my recovery!!
I did it, I DID IT!!
I have published a second book. It is the poetry book that I was talking about has been uploaded to smashwords and is alive!!
over 40 people have contributed poems to the book and I am very very very proud of myself today! This book will hopefully raise some money for Mind from sales as well.
The book can be found here please help spread the word!