An Insight into my head right now

No editing, No deleting just free writing letting out the contradictions and emotions….

Impulsive, reckless and not reading the signs

What consequences? It’s my life and my journey

Its about living in the present not the past or the future

One decision making a seismic change to your attitude in general

See me? I’m changing for nobody. I am who I am and what I am

I smoke too much i weigh too much i swear too much and I fuck too much but…it’s on me to change the things I want changing

Your opinions are valid to you unless i ask for them I will dance to beat of my own drum

If I want you in my life in loyal to the end. Karl Amy Ant Mary Maria Ali Debbie and my brother (and his family) no matter what im there if you need it no questions asked. We bury the evidence and never speak of it again.

I’m not broken im just never going to be the same. Improved? That’s up for debate but never again the person I once was

Missing, loving,wanting, hating, angry, disappointed

Growing, adapting, recovering, changing

If I told her that I loved you

You’d maybe think there’s something wrong
I’m not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
But those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost” (shape of heart-sting)


“Are you lost

In your lies?
Do you tell yourself “I don’t realize”?
Your crusade’s a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives
I’m aware of what you’ve done
No, no more sorrow
I’ve paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced
I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abused power with greed
I had hope
I believed
But I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived
You will pay for what you’ve done (no more sorrow- linkin park)

Changes are coming, for better or for worse. I fight I struggle I smile I keep going

Defeated momentarily yet one step ahead

Those who know me see the signs, they know when to reach out.

I’m here for those who need me, yet not there for myself

And yet…..maybe just maybe….The shoots of recovery are leading me back to a version of myself I liked, flirty, fun, inappropriate, the life and soul and when the day comes i can once again look in the mirror and be happy with what i see…. I will thank you and show my gratitude in ways you didnt expect

My friends, my family, my kids never stopped believing in me, time i realised why.

Im a winner, my time is coming and I need to make sure im ready.

I’m not ready how can i be when i dont even know what i want

I wasn’t going to post this. It’s random jumbled up letters and words forming sentences in a way thats confusing for me let alone you…..

But it clears space in my head for the pieces to fall into place..eventually.

And just like that…The black dog barks a little less viciously..

Advertisements

About the Moose

As I have more new followers I thought maybe it would be good to tell you more about me. Even as a reintroduction to my old followers and update you on the man behind the moose.

In 2012 I was diagnosed with “high intensity depression” this set me on the path of blogging as I wanted to share my story to help others (men in particular, who are not as open about mental health).

I live in East London, England and manage a post office in Essex.

I’m 39 years old and in November will turn 40, frankly I will be glad to see the back of my 30s as for the most part they have been fucking awful.

I have two wonderful kids Brandon is 18 now and just got into Brunel university, lilybet is 9 and is just a sweetheart.

Since I started this journey i have been married, divorced, engaged and now I’m single and rebuilding. My hearts fragile and stupid but its part of my charm that I love too much and too easily (maybe?)

I have a wonderful group of friends, Karl Amy, Debbie, Mary, Antonella and Ali who no matter what have always been there for me. As well as many others who I can count on when needed and for these people im very fortunate to have in my life. Even if I drive them mad by not listening at times.

Despite suffering from depression, homeless periods and low self esteem I have managed to be a person who I hope people know they can come to for help, advice, a place to vent and general amoosement (amusement! See what I did there)

I smoke too much, I eat too much, I weigh too much and have more chins than I would like….

I love people, being around others. I feed off other peoples company and like being the centre of attention.

Im determined to make this blog as successful as it was in its prime 5 years ago. I like sharing my stories with people. I chose not to be anonymous (anonymoose) when I started so that people could put a face to the blogs and as a result have made many new friends from all over the world.

I have 3 books on Amazon. Available in paperback and kindle formats. These are the proudest achievements of my life besides my awesome kids. I’ve sold about 1000 books!! Mainly to myself but still..

I’m a survivor. I’ve been at rock bottom attempted an overdose and come through it. If i can…you can

Im happy. Genuinely happy. Despite the shit I’ve been through i have reached a point in my life where I enjoy my own company and have everything I need right now.

I also run a successful escort service where im available for hours nights weeks and long haul cruises and holidays….. I mean this may not be true but putting it out there just in case there is a market for it

Oh and I happen to think im very funny. My colleagues at work may be sick of hearing the same jokes multiple times a day but i still giggle like a child everytime.

So there you have it. An update on Garry Aka Moose. 39 single and remembering all the good I offer, whilst ignoring the bad…

Poxy Song get Out of My Head

Funny how certain things can trigger a bad mood, or the start of a down period isn’t it. For the past few days I have a song stuck in my head and cannot seem to shake it. It’s not a song about depression as such but the first few lines of the song really resonate with me and probably describe perfectly how I have been living most of my life…

People say I’m the life of the party

‘Cause I tell a joke or two

Although I might be laughing loud and hearty

Deep inside I’m blue

Recognise the song? It’s Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson

I have no idea why it is in my head as I certainly have heard it on the radio recently! It has certainly got me thinking though.

As I have said before I really don’t care what people say about me BUT deep down I do care what they think about me!

Why don’t I have any close friends who want to invite me out for a drink? It has been at least 2 years since someone asked me and even then it was via a mass invite of friends on Facebook.

Since I stopped playing mafia wars and started a new personal only account on facebook I have noticed a significant drop in interaction with people in terms of  numbers. Certainly going from an account with 1000s of friends to a new one with around 80 will do that to you but on a personal level I am interacting with more people.

I think I am suffering a crisis of identity today! I have been known as “The Moose” for over 3 years and was someone who was well known throughout the game. Now I am known as Garry and that’s harder for me to accept. I am used to having the persona to hide behind today I feel like people don’t want to know me for me, the man behind the moose as it were.

I had a great week with my depression so I am allowing myself a day to feel down as it’s part of the cycle and I was expecting it to come sooner rather than later. One of the great things about writing this blog is the amount of research I have done into depression so I am fully aware of what to expect and how to deal with days like today so as not to drag me down again – remember I said I was strong 🙂

Just a random post of how I feel today, I like to get it down in print so I can look at it later as blogging really does help me!