Going through changes

Since my last post ages ago life has turned upside down. I’m currently unemployed, without a car, suffering from numerous ailments and, as the title suggests, going through changes.

Things could be shitty right now couldn’t they? Every little thing that has gone against me lately could be multiplied in my head and become a reason for a massive spiral head first into my usual hedonistic devil may care lifestyle of promiscuity, stupid choices and all other manner of inane, impulsive decisions….

And yet…

I feel great!!

I feel like finally I’m free of destructive elements of the past, free from feeling paranoid that I’m being watched, judged and spoken about. Free to finally close a chapter of my life that barely entertains my thoughts now I’m out of harm’s way.

I feel excited about what’s around the corner, even if I have no idea what it will bring. I have 2 holidays this year to look forward to. Majorca and Tenerife, one on my own and one with Karl.

There is a new job on the horizon and while I’m waiting for that I’m recharging my batteries and improving my mental health daily by spending quality time with the special people in my life. Karl and Amy in particular are the best friends I’ve ever had, both of them are there no matter what and I’ve got very good new friends from my time at my local pub. I’m getting out there making friends, creating memories and no longer looking over my shoulder at ghosts from the past.

I must get back into the exercise routine I had before Christmas. The 30+ mens group made a huge difference to my mental health and shows how important exercise, banter and mates is to a happier stable moose.

I’m doing two events in May, a tough murder on the 4th and a 10k run on the 27th and if I can get back into training sooner rather than later it will make me feel more confident going into them.

With that in mind I’m raising money for Mind, which as you will know is a charity close to my heart, if you would like yo sponsor me please click

https://uk.virginmoneygiving.com/GarryWilliams3

Half way towards my target and I’m very thankful to everyone who has donated this far. Believe me it helps me get over the finish line knowing people have sponsored me, makes me feel like they believe in me.

I need to use this outlet more, I keep saying it but writing is my thing, hopefully the talent is still there and the readers will return if there is more material available. I’d love to hit the 100k mark soon so the onus is on myself to keep writing.

Right now I should be sinking……

By the grace of God I’m not and I thank the special friendd in my life for that. Knowing I can pick up the phone and have numerous people available, supporting me, advising me, kicking my arse when needed and reminding me that despite how I view myself I am loved, valued and appreciated is an amazing feeling.

Here’s to the future, it’s looking bright again

Moose xx

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Back to the Drs

6 years later and here I sit in the waiting room at the Drs ready to ask for some help again. This time I have not met this particular GP so have no bond or relationship with him or her.

It’s all getting too much, the insomnia, the self doubt, the feelings of hurting, emotions getting best of me. So here I go again albeit in a much better position than all those years again. The last 12 months really have taken their toll on my mental health and maybe I’m guilty of trying too hard, too long and bottling up my feelings about what I’ve been through.

I have my holiday next week to look forward to, so this visit to Drs and probably prescription of antidepressants will come in the nick of time. I need to get away from reality for a bit and thats why I’m jumping on a plane and (hopefully) leaving all this shit behind me.

I’m sick of feeling unloveable, second best and unwanted. I am worthy of more and I am determined that this will be a temporary solution just to allow me to get my head in a better place.

I can’t and won’t allow anyone to send me back to my darkest days but right now I’m just to exhausted to do it by myself.

As I have said countless times…. asking for help in a sign of strength not weakness.

The Delightful Doctor Dhanji

Dr Dhanji is my GP. He has not been my GP for long, around 12 months I think. My previous one apparently decided he had had enough of the red tape and emigrated to Canada.

It took me 6 months before I felt comfortable enough to approach my new Dr about my depression but when I did I was blown away by the compassion and understanding he showed me.

About 5 or 6 years ago Sheryl was suffering from depression, knowing now what I do I can clearly see that her symptoms were classic depression symptoms, and she went to see her GP.

The response she received angers me to this day, her Doctor told her that she was not depressed she was “suffering the stresses of life” and sent her on her way. No sympathy, no follow up appointment just thanks for coming see you later!

My uncle had the same sort of treatment from his GP who was meant to be the mental health specialist in the surgery. All he wanted to do with my uncle was write him another prescription and get him out the door. We usually spent more time in the waiting room than we did in his room.

The problem I have with my GP is that it is impossible to get an appointment in a decent amount of time. My area has had around 800 flats built over the past few years which puts a massive strain on my health centre as there are now 100s of new patients yet the PCT (primary care trust) which covers the funding of my borough has decided that they cannot employ anymore doctors as they are already “over subscribed” with doctors.

 

***WARNING POLITICAL RANT***

Budgets being constantly cut by the government, and not just the current one as those with short memories will have you believe, do not help but its ok, we can send troops to invade other countries at a cost of countless lives and billions of pounds rather than put the money into the national health service. And don’t even get me started on the money we send abroad in aid to countries that would not spit on us if we were on fire, Pakistan being an example. The country that harbored the most wanted man on the planet but as soon as they need money we drop our trousers, hold our ankles and let them get on with it.

*** OK OVER IT NOW YOU CAN LOOK AGAIN***

Back to my GP, he is such a great guy. He always comes across as being really interested in how I am doing and is always concerned when things are not going well. I feel like I could tell him anything and he wont judge me or lecture me like my old GP’s in the past have done.

I am one of the lucky ones though, it appears there are many more doctors like my wife’s’ and uncles’  when it comes to mental health issues. A lot of people don’t speak up because they feel unable to approach their doctor. If you are such a person and reading this please do not accept defeat, keep trying to get through to your GP or ask to see another one.

The feeling that you are alone will not help you with depression, it is scary enough to admit we need help without having to be told, and make to fee like, there is nothing wrong with you.

To Dr Dhanji, who I know has no free time to read this but hope one day he will Thank you for everything you are doing to help me recover!