Goodbye 30s…thanks for nothing

Tonight is my last night in my 30s and I can’t wait to see the back of what can only be described as a cluster fuck of a decade.

It started so well, newly married, baby on the way but has ended up a fucking disaster…

My 30s have consisted of…

  • Failed marriage and divorce
  • Depression
  • A suicide attempt
  • An abusive relationship
  • Losing too many friends/family
  • Losing myself

However lets turn some of it around. Despite all the bad stuff I’ve survived, at one point it was touch and go. I nearly didn’t see 35 let alone 40.

At the moment I’m going through an awful period mentally. The black dog is barking and biting hard and its been a real struggle. A combination of still having a chest infection for months, over working and being haunted by memories have dragged me down to a low dark place.

I remember things too well, something innocuous can send me spirraling backwards or into a tailspin that can take weeks to recover from.

When one of your best friends uses the phrase “doing a Garry” and follows it up with “When things are going well and looking up you suddenly feel the need to self destruct” you start to question things.

Is that what I do?

I mean all I really want is to find that special someone, live a drama free life and be happy and loved but am I so damaged that I’m subconsciously self destructing as a coping mechanism? A way of preventing opportunities arising to protect myself from anymore hurt and pain?

It’s not just the theory of one but of a couple of people, people that know me the best.

I’m lucky to have friends like these who see through the front, the bravado, the cockiness etc and tell me what I don’t want to hear but NEED to hear.

I need to find a way out of this slump. I want to get my arse back to the training again, I’ve made one session this month for various reasons.

If I could choose a gift for my birthday it would be the gift of self discipline, I need to reach down deep yet again and find a way to channel things into a positive solution. I’ve slipped backed into old dangerous habits and I know only one person can pull me out of it.

Yet behind the flirtatious, cheeky, did he really just say that persona is a man who just wants to find his passion for life again.

At 40 I should know what i want but still have no fucking idea, career wise, life wise. At which point does it become too late? I don’t want to lose my faith in the happy ever after BUT… It’s ebbing away slowly.

So as I start my 40s I want them to be spectacular, eventful, happy, joyous and life changing. No more hurting, self destructing, letting memories haunt me.

They say life begins at 40…. I truly fucking hope so because I can’t take another decade like the last one.

Saying goodbye to the people I’ve loved over the years and closing the chapter on everything thats hurt me since I hit 30, especially the last 6 years is the start.

Here I come into my naughty forties…..tomorrow morning Im going to wake up, smile, be thankful and spend the precious few days I have off work getting my groove back.

Moosey turning 40

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The Birthday Moose

 

birthday-moose

A year ago today I made the decision to finally “come out” about my depression, and in typical Garry style I did it to the world and created this blog.

My original intention was to help other men come to terms with their depression and get people talking about mental health in general –  I would like to think I achieved this moose mission! It has also helped me in a way I never even imagined – I cannot recommend writing about your depression highly enough. At times it has made me see where things have been going wrong and helped me spot the warning signs of the bad cycles coming.

I have made many new friends since starting this journey and have become “famoose” in my own right – or in my own head, either works for me!

Massive thanks go to Sheryl and the never forgotten Teresa for inspiring me in the early days and giving me the encouragement to write and the support to help me through the bad days.

Naturally I owe a massive debt of gratitude to you, the reader who puts up with my dodgy humour (or comedic genius as I call it), my wallowing and moaning in equal measure yet have stood by me and offered words of advice or just words of support when needed. It has been an absolute pleasure getting to know many of you who I now consider friends.

390+ posts and almost 55 thousands views later it has been a wonderful journey of self discovery and remembering my love of writing.

Here is a list of the top 10 most viewed posts on this site since day 1

  1. You can’t be depressed you’re smiling
  2. Hitting rock bottom is not the end
  3. The Man behind the moose
  4. Moose Tracks
  5. This form could change a life
  6. why I blog and how often
  7. Things to cheer you (and me) up
  8. why its ok to have bad days
  9. Books published by the moose
  10. a children’s book on depression – possibly my favourite post!

 

This blog has been view in 131 countries so huge thanks again to the people who kindly share my posts via twitter, Facebook or any other method.

A few people have also donated to the blog over the first year and I want to say how grateful I have been for this. As you know I have less money than certain countries in the EU so every little donation has helped keep me going.

Raise a glass and lets toast to the next 12 months of thedepressedmoose.com

I will toast to new friends, great support and being #famoose!

Enough of the thanks now lets get a party started! I will bring the Jack Daniels you bring the cake and the strippers!

 

 

Birthday Treats for Moose

Today I was planning on getting my lip pierced and an awesome new tattoo idea I have in my head turned into a work of art on my body.

I can afford neither as the last remaining money I have for the next 10 days went into Tesco profits instead as the kids refuse to starve so I can spoil myself.

Yes its morally wrong that I want to treat myself on my birthday but I am sick of never being able to do anything nice for myself and I want to be spoiled for once!

The good news is I may just have enough money in terms of 10p 20p and 50p coins to afford a pack of cigarettes today! no i haven’t managed to give up yet dont judge me 😀

and then to top it all off a present I got for Sheryl to cheer her up has arrived on MY birthday meaning she has more presents to open today than me ffs

I think I can hear bed calling me for the day…

Reflecting on my 33rd Year

Today (29th November) I turn 34 and a new chapter of my life begins so what better time to look back and reflect on my 33rd year and what I have done in that year.

This time last year I was still convinced denial was a river in Egypt (the Nile geddit?) and hiding away my depression from everyone including Sheryl.

I was a shadow of my former self spending 20 hours a day playing mafia wars on Facebook and miserably attempting to coach a kids football team with no enthusiasm from me and the children!

I believed I was unique in the problems I was experiencing and didn’t want to share my fears with anyone as it was “just a phase” and that I could “snap out of it” myself.

You all know the window story and how it could have all gone wrong but here I am awaiting another birthday when at times I didn’t expect to see another.

So since turning 33 what have I achieved?

Biggest thing was actually realising that I needed help and seeking it = win for Moose

second thing was starting this blog to help myself and others = win for Moose

publishing two books = win for Moose

making new friends on twitter, Facebook and the big bad world outside my flat = win for Moose

helping other people with their depression = win for Moose

Quickly adding that up I make that a final score of..

MOOSE 5 – DEPRESSION 0

Not sure about you but I make that a pretty good year overall despite some ups and downs I have achieved more than I could have thought at this stage last year!

Now join me in celebrating my birthday tomorrow and raise a glass of whatever you fancy in my honour while I sit back and watch the donations and presents pile up! ****

*** actually all I am expecting is a depressedmoose.com kindle cover but thats kinda exciting too right? 😀