Sleep is my Frenemy

Today I actually made it to an appointment with the mental health team in Goodmayes for an assessment. This was a case of 3rd time lucky and after over an hour with the Dr I left with more questions than answers!

“what is it you think we can do for you?”

That was the question that bugged me the most as I have no idea what to expect from them.

“sort out my head so i can stop shitting myself” was my reply!

So now I have to wait to find out what happens next, do they discharge me and recommend counselling or is there something more that they can offer me. I am still waiting to find out if I have bipolar or not as my GP suspects this may be the case.

What I was wasn’t expecting was to be lectured about my sleep and sleeping habits. It is a big issue for me and I was hoping they could shed some light on the hows and why of the cycle of constant sleep or no sleep.

Instead its all my fault for going to sleep when I am tired, regardless of the time of day. It’s like I wake up after hours of broken sleep still feeling tired on purpose!

Today for example I had to get up 3 hours before my appointment time just to ensure I could go to the toilet before leaving. I managed 5 hours sleep last night (on and off) but as soon as I came home I ended up sleeping for 4 hours.

This week I have been trying to avoid sleeping during the day and had been going to bed at 10pm, expect that 3-4 hours later I was waking up and wide awake! Then I wasnt able to fall back to sleep until 6am!

But apparently its all my fault and I need to work harder at staying awake, even when absolutely shattered! I pointed out that one of my issues at the moment was having zero energy but the sleep pattern is all my fault. Even when I mentioned that during my “happy” cycles I don’t need as much sleep but this seemed to go unnoticed.

Here is my prediction for what happens next…

The mental health team will decide that they can’t do anything for me and refer me to Sanibel (a local place here that does counselling).

Sanibel have already written to my GP stating that they don’t think I should be referred to them as it’s more a case for the mental health team.

And me? I will be stuck in limbo again!

Nevermind its almost time for a nap!

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Revelations, Insights and a Good Telling Off

I finally got to see my Dr having not seen him in an official capacity since October. Three months is  a long time in my world and a lot has changed in terms of my depression since then as well. When you walk into his office and he says “whats happened, you don’t look your usual self?!” then you know its been too long since you saw him.

We talked about my weight issues, knee issues and depression issues and it was great to unload it all. I am lucky to have a good GP. I have spoke before about how helpful he is, there is a new system in place for appointments at the surgery that means you have to phone at 8 am to try and get seen. When I explained to the receptionist that the only time I see 8 am is if I have not slept and that it would make it impossible for to get an appointment she emailed the Dr and asked him to call me. As is always the case when your expecting a call you end up not answering the phone in time but Dr Dhanji then called me again 20 minutes later to make sure he could speak to me and arrange an appointment. This is how good the man is!

Anyways lets get back on track..

On 18th December I picked up my monthly prescription of antidepressants, 28 tablets. It is now 1st February and I still have 5 tablets left that should have been finished on 15th January. This goes a long way to explaining my current mood as obviously I am not ready to come off the tablets yet. It has not been an intentional thing not taking the pills it has just happened, cue a nice telling off from the Dr and one ashamed looking moose!

Lesson #1 from me to you: Don’t stop taking your tablets unless the Dr tells you – forgetting is not an option!

I spoke about my current grief issues with the Dr, and with a friend on Facebook last night when it suddenly hit me why I am having a hard time over the passing of Teresa. When my uncle died I had expected it based on what had happened to him in hospital so I could prepare myself for his death, and although I did not handle it particularly well I did at least expect it to happen. With Teresa it happened within 2 weeks of being diagnoses and was so fast it came as a bolt out of the blue and this is why is has knocked me for six.

Lesson #2: for God’s sake talk about things!!

In terms of my dealings with therapy for my depression etc here is the current situation..

As we know I couldn’t attend my last appointment with the mental health team due to an IBS related accident on the way. I called them and left a message on the answer phone informing them I couldn’t attend so you would think they would reschedule an appointment for me, did they bollocks! Instead they have written to my Dr informing them that I DECLINED 2 appointments and that they do not think I am suitable for them. Meanwhile the counselling service I was referred to in July have told the Dr that I need to be seen by the Mental Health team and not them so I’m left in between the 2 with no one looking out for me!

Lesson #3: Don’t shit yourself on the way to the mental health team and expect sympathy!

I am now back to monthly appointments with the Dr to make sure I am taking my tablets properly rather than him giving me 3 months worth of prescriptions which is probably best for now, assuming I can get an appointment in a months time!

The Dr is also going to refer me to some sort of weight loss/ exercise program to try and work on my knee issues and is not impressed that I am planning to do the 10k run in May. “No you are not” was his response LOL but we shall see, people have sponsored me already and I feel obliged to do it 😦

New month, forget crappy January lets see what February will bring! fingers crossed that it brings a change of luck!

Moose and the Shrink

Today after 4 days of trying last week I finally managed to get through to the mental health team at Goodmayes (the specialist mental health hospital in my area) and spoke to someone.

This is a big step for me because I am worried about what they will say or diagnose.

I have an appointment, or initial screening, to use their vernacular*

Hopefully though they will tell me if I am bipolar or not as my Dr thinks I may be, and so do I having researched it.

My stomach was in knots talking to them over the phone, I don’t understand where this anxiety when talking to people in authority comes from. If I speak to anyone who works for government agencies or health positions I have such an overwhelming sense of fear in my stomach! It baffles me as I never used to have this problem! It has only been in the last 5 or 6 months this anxiety has developed.

Could it be that it was always there and I just did not recognise the signs?

My appointment is on 4th October so not too long to worry about any implications and I am working hard at trying to combat the fear of leaving home to attend these meetings.

Still on the positive side I made the call and that’s a good thing!

* I have always wanted to use the word vernacular in a sentence 😀