Struggling..

The past few days I am finding myself struggling again.

I know things are bad when all I want to do is sleep again which is where I am at at the moment. It is not sleeping at night though, I am sleeping most of the day which means I am awake until 4-5 am.

Besides 3 visits to the vets this week I have done nothing all week!

Didn’t even make the training day for the time to change event next weekend which was held Thursday.

I am thoroughly bored of everything in my life, sick of playing the same damn Xbox game, as I only have one.

Sick of always being tired.

Sick of having no motivation

Sick of being in pain 24/7

I need to start my training for the 10k run in 4 months but I can’t run without agonising pain in my fucked knee.

The best way to describe how my knee feels is like it is hanging by a thread. Imagine an elastic band that has been pulled and is slowly tearing, that is how my knee feels just walking let alone the additional strain of attempting to run!

It seems the more I try to do to improve my health, the worse I make things!

And worse of all is that I cannot turn to Teresa for her words of comfort, support and wisdom and it is really hurting me.

Even posting new photos of Lilybet on Facebook gets me down because I keep expecting her to comment, or I am waiting for a message to come through from her. Endlessly refreshing my messages especially around midnight my time as thats when we would speak most of the time.

I know its only been a couple of weeks since she passed but it has hit me hardest the past week. I feel guilty for feeling so much grief because I feel selfish that is has affected me so much when I was only a friend online as opposed to her family who are suffering much more real pain. But I cant help it it has torn me up inside.

I guess I just became too dependent on her and now I feel like I have no one to turn to, especially in terms of sharing my innermost thoughts.

So tried exercise, doesn’t work

Tried writing, cant write anything!

Tried helping others, I am probably not much help at the moment.

Tried taking my mind off things by promoting books, my freebie day did at least ensure 75 copies were “sold” so hopefully it may increase sales of other books but I doubt it.

SO what else is there to do?

Seems like wallowing is the answer but I sure as hell hope it doesn’t last long as I can’t afford to wallow in self pity as I will end up in a terrible state – just when I thought I was on the mend!

The thing with depression is it allows you to think you’re doing great then it comes back and kicks your backside all over the place!

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RIP Teresa

Teresa my friend from Texas sadly passed away last night.

Without her love, support and friendship over the past 3 years I would not have survived.

She helped me deal with the loss of my uncle and it was her who encouraged me to start this blog, write poems and publish books.

Teresa inspired me.

Teresa guided me.

Teresa always listened, never judged, never preached. Somehow she always had the answers but never gave them directly to me, she would just show me a path and wait for me to find the answers myself.

Teresa was like a mentor and a mother.

Teresa was the nicest person I have ever “met” in my life.

Sometimes people come into your life for a reason and I firmly believe (and Teresa told me numerous times) that she was in my life to send me onto the path of writing.

I will miss her terribly, the tears have flowed this morning.

We spoke almost daily for 3 years, spent new years eve talking together in 2011 and 2012. She knew me inside out, she was my rock. She gave me the strength to fight depression instead of being smothered by it. I knew if I had anything on my mind she would listen and advice.

I feel numb, I have lost my support.

And yet I know she will visit me in spirit, continue to guide me along with my uncles.

She did not suffer she was not in pain and she will be overjoyed to be with Jesus now, her faith was astounding and she helped me reconnect with God.

A new angel arrived at Heavens Gates last night, our loss is Heavens gain.

A remarkable woman who blessed me with her friendship I will never forget you Kitty.

One day we will finally meet!

Everything I have achieved with this blog is down to Teresa, she encouraged me (sometimes demanded) to write

Sweet dreams Teresa you were loved by many, especially me!.

I will continue my work helping others in your memory!