Sleep is my Frenemy

Today I actually made it to an appointment with the mental health team in Goodmayes for an assessment. This was a case of 3rd time lucky and after over an hour with the Dr I left with more questions than answers!

“what is it you think we can do for you?”

That was the question that bugged me the most as I have no idea what to expect from them.

“sort out my head so i can stop shitting myself” was my reply!

So now I have to wait to find out what happens next, do they discharge me and recommend counselling or is there something more that they can offer me. I am still waiting to find out if I have bipolar or not as my GP suspects this may be the case.

What I was wasn’t expecting was to be lectured about my sleep and sleeping habits. It is a big issue for me and I was hoping they could shed some light on the hows and why of the cycle of constant sleep or no sleep.

Instead its all my fault for going to sleep when I am tired, regardless of the time of day. It’s like I wake up after hours of broken sleep still feeling tired on purpose!

Today for example I had to get up 3 hours before my appointment time just to ensure I could go to the toilet before leaving. I managed 5 hours sleep last night (on and off) but as soon as I came home I ended up sleeping for 4 hours.

This week I have been trying to avoid sleeping during the day and had been going to bed at 10pm, expect that 3-4 hours later I was waking up and wide awake! Then I wasnt able to fall back to sleep until 6am!

But apparently its all my fault and I need to work harder at staying awake, even when absolutely shattered! I pointed out that one of my issues at the moment was having zero energy but the sleep pattern is all my fault. Even when I mentioned that during my “happy” cycles I don’t need as much sleep but this seemed to go unnoticed.

Here is my prediction for what happens next…

The mental health team will decide that they can’t do anything for me and refer me to Sanibel (a local place here that does counselling).

Sanibel have already written to my GP stating that they don’t think I should be referred to them as it’s more a case for the mental health team.

And me? I will be stuck in limbo again!

Nevermind its almost time for a nap!

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Hide and Sleep

Almost like the kids game hide and seek except I don’t want to be found, nor do I want to be woken up.

All I want to do is hide away from everyday stresses and challenges that are mounting up and reducing my enthusiasm and energy levels for doing pretty much anything!

I have reverted back to the old days of hiding myself away from people, I have removed myself from groups on Facebook that have been part of me for years. Not that anyone has noticed mind you but that is by the by, why should people notice if I am around or not when I have nothing useful to offer.

As a father, husband and a friend I am pretty useless at the moment, wallowing in self pity is my biggest trait currently.

Take today as an example, our internet and TV service was suspended as the bill was overdue, now our bill is insane given our financial situation but I couldn’t be without my internet or sports. So after hunting round and finding a credit card that had enough to cover the bill I had to wait for the service to be reactivated. So what did I do? I slept until 2 pm because I couldn’t handle not being able to come online, or watch TV!

Priorities all wrong I hear you cry, and I am ready for people to criticise me for having such a high bill and package for TV but then as I don’t ever leave the house unless essential why shouldn’t we be able to have entertainment indoors? it just so happens that we were a few days short of paying the bill this month and virgin media wouldn’t wait!

Besides my worryingly over reliance on the internet, my intentions towards over people are good! I really do want to help others deal with depression and other mental health illnesses. I make an effort to contact people via social media if I can see they are having a rough time, or even if I notice an absence of activity and I would like to think it is appreciated rather than me being a pain in the arse!

I guess from my point of view I committed the cardinal sin of mental health which is to worry about other people to the extent that I forget to look after myself. I can’t help it I like the idea of helping people but truth be told I don’t think I am a nice or good person! I am the first to moan that people don’t contact me, it’s all about me and my issues not you and your problems and I hate that about myself I really do.

(Hopefully at this point people will say otherwise!)

I didn’t even manage to attend the time to change event at the weekend that I volunteered for, the truth was all I could do was sleep. I couldn’t face it, yet felt awful for letting people down.

You see the problem with this moose when he is going through a rough patch like this is that he becomes very needy! To the point of attention seeking! see I admitted it, I know my faults and don’t deny them. This doesn’t mean I do anything about them of course but acknowledging them is the first step right?

If anyone has any suggestions for combating this need to be loved, admired or simply wanted I would be grateful because it drives me mad! I wish I knew why I was so obsessed with numbers and stats my life would be much better if this was not the case.

Don’t hate me for it you will grow to love me for my neediness honest!

Meanwhile if you see a sleeping moose don’t wake him, sometimes a sleeping moose is a happy moose! or at the very least a non moaning, miserable bastard moose!

Photo Credit: Google

Photo Credit: Google

Struggling..

The past few days I am finding myself struggling again.

I know things are bad when all I want to do is sleep again which is where I am at at the moment. It is not sleeping at night though, I am sleeping most of the day which means I am awake until 4-5 am.

Besides 3 visits to the vets this week I have done nothing all week!

Didn’t even make the training day for the time to change event next weekend which was held Thursday.

I am thoroughly bored of everything in my life, sick of playing the same damn Xbox game, as I only have one.

Sick of always being tired.

Sick of having no motivation

Sick of being in pain 24/7

I need to start my training for the 10k run in 4 months but I can’t run without agonising pain in my fucked knee.

The best way to describe how my knee feels is like it is hanging by a thread. Imagine an elastic band that has been pulled and is slowly tearing, that is how my knee feels just walking let alone the additional strain of attempting to run!

It seems the more I try to do to improve my health, the worse I make things!

And worse of all is that I cannot turn to Teresa for her words of comfort, support and wisdom and it is really hurting me.

Even posting new photos of Lilybet on Facebook gets me down because I keep expecting her to comment, or I am waiting for a message to come through from her. Endlessly refreshing my messages especially around midnight my time as thats when we would speak most of the time.

I know its only been a couple of weeks since she passed but it has hit me hardest the past week. I feel guilty for feeling so much grief because I feel selfish that is has affected me so much when I was only a friend online as opposed to her family who are suffering much more real pain. But I cant help it it has torn me up inside.

I guess I just became too dependent on her and now I feel like I have no one to turn to, especially in terms of sharing my innermost thoughts.

So tried exercise, doesn’t work

Tried writing, cant write anything!

Tried helping others, I am probably not much help at the moment.

Tried taking my mind off things by promoting books, my freebie day did at least ensure 75 copies were “sold” so hopefully it may increase sales of other books but I doubt it.

SO what else is there to do?

Seems like wallowing is the answer but I sure as hell hope it doesn’t last long as I can’t afford to wallow in self pity as I will end up in a terrible state – just when I thought I was on the mend!

The thing with depression is it allows you to think you’re doing great then it comes back and kicks your backside all over the place!

Change of Sleeping Habits

Since Lilybet was born over 3 years ago I have slept on the sofa in the front room, as she herself is happy to announce to the world “I have stolen your side of the bed!”.

This does not really bother me too much because of the years of insomnia I did not want to keep Sheryl awake with my tossing and turning in bed. Besides that we are a family of 6 in a two bedroom flat so until we find a bigger council place it is just how things are.

Speaking of council places I live in a borough of London which owns the least number of properties out of any borough! According to them we are entitled to a 4 bedroom place only and in the near 2 years since I have been on the housing list only 3 have come up. The properties available are offered weekly so its 3 properties in almost 100 weeks!  On those houses we came 51st, 81st and 86th on the lists so by reckoning we should get a place when the kids have all moved out!

Back to my point and off my soapbox though. Recently I have made my way into the bedroom again and into a proper bed, albeit the bed that Elizabeth is meant to sleep in!

Here are where I am encountering issues though

When I go to sleep I have to sleep on my laying on my right side, not on my back or front has to be right side!

I also cannot sleep unless I have background noise. In the front room on the sofa I set the timer on the  TV to go off after 60 minutes so I can sleep listening to the TV.

In the bedroom with Sheryl and Lilybet asleep in the other bed I really struggle to fall off to sleep without any noise. I lay in bed thinking and this is NOT good.

It can take me over an hour before I actually drift off!

What tips can you share to help me sleep because I am enjoying sleeping in a bed again after 3 years! Even the sound of snoring and farting is comforting but not enough to help me sleep (sorry Sheryl – giggles)**

I am wondering if I am risking a set back in my recovery by moving into the bedroom because the time spent thinking about things before sleep is not something I enjoy as I do not sit there thinking happy thoughts!

Also please help me share my book around as I have decided to use the royalties from my book to buy Sheryl a Kindle for Christmas and so far have not earned enough to get her one 😀