Broken Tooth, No Broken Spirit

Nine days till Christmas and I have no intention of putting up a tree this year, as Brandon will be spending the holidays at his mum’s I will be alone for most of the Christmas period, so I really don’t want to look at a tree which is meant to celebrate a time for family.

It was my choice for him to spend most of the time away as I know I will be a miserable bastard and did not want it to impact on him, as my childhood memories of Christmas heavily influence my hatred for this time of year. Better he is with his mum who does a great job with Christmas than to be here with me impersonating the grinch.

Things are good apart from the fact that I broke a tooth at the weekend eating maltesers and as someone who has not seen a dentist for about 7 years I can tell you what great news this was! However being a good boy I was on the phone to them at 8 am this morning and have an appointment for tomorrow where I can look forward to an extraction, I assume, and a lecture (wohooo, I really love those)

On top of this I really have to let some steam off and moan about people. I am really sick of people using me for when it suits them, as an example I have spoken to three suicidal people in the past month and offered them support and an ear, yet do I hear from them again? Seems the majority people are only interested in me when it suits them not when I need someone.

I am getting to the stage where I am not sure that continuing with this blog, and being readily available for people, is such a good option for me. As much as I have enjoyed helping people it pisses me off that these people then avoid me, especially at times when I have asked for help myself. I am happy to give but there are times when it is needed to reciprocated and all too often that is not forthcoming and I am (finally) learning that the only person I can really rely on is myself.

I have “friends” abusing me because I wont give them what they want and do things the way they want them and the selfishness nature of people is grinding me down, more and more I am letting people walk away from me because I just cannot be arsed with arguing and defending myself.

People tend to forget that I have issues that need working on, but the moment I have a bad time I am the bad guy.

All I ask from people is effort, and nothing less than I would put in, but for plenty of people it appears to be an unacceptable request. Give and take is all well and good when it is shared equally, all too often this is not happening.

I am in a pretty good place currently though, despite the broken tooth and I can see things so much better now in terms of how people act around me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time, and I am preparing myself to get through the next few weeks when I will feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. I feel able to drop people without it causing me pangs of guilt, even more so when I am not in the wrong! The days of me chasing after people because I want attention all gone, the days of me reaching out to people because I am needy and alone are gone. If people don’t want to talk to me for whatever reason that is fine with me.

I have survived because I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a better person than I give myself credit for and its time I gave the people who go out of their way for me more attention because it is those people who deserve it.

When I say I don’t give a fuck anymore I honestly mean it. I will not allow people to affect my mood anymore.

And for those who don’t like it – please do not let the door hit you on the way out..

And for the people I know will stand by me just remember…

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Nothing Lasts Forever…

…Even Cold November Rain!

Its nearly the end of a wet and miserable November and as I write this it is 2.30 in the morning and I am sitting awake with tooth ache!

Now if you are not aware of the significance of tooth ache at 2.30 let me break it down for you (two thirty or tooth hurty – same thing innit – and you thought I was a posh bloke didnt ya 😛 )

Moose and tooth ache do not really combine well! In fact it must be around 8 years since I last saw a dentist, and was about 12 years prior to that!

Hopefully just the result of stress I have been under recently. Queen Lilybet is still unwell but touch wood so far tonight she has not woke up coughing and being sick so after 4 weeks I pray she is finally on the mend and go back to nursery tomorrow.

The past few nights she has been awake until 3-4 am, in fact at 2 am Friday night I was in the middle of a bubble wrap war with my 3 year old, and to think Sheryl calls me childish!

Saturday night saw me hit a bit of a mini crisis when I was so down I decided only Jack Daniels could help but thankfully a few choice words of support were said on twitter and Facebook and I saw the light! I also had a wonderful telephone call with Teresa in Texas for 10 mins that filled me with joy! Teresa you are my angel!

Besides that little blip I am feeling positive today, even through the ache in my mouth. A little physical pain pails into significance compares to mental anguish believe me!

And so back to November rain…

I fricking love this song and the epic 9 minute video that goes with it!

As always the lyrics are open to interpretation but as far as I am aware the song was written by Axl Rose about his marriage. Some of the words though can fit with how I feel about myself at times and about depression.

An example is as follows

“So never mind the darkness we still can find a way

Nothin’ lasts forever even cold November rain”

we all know the darkness is a feeling common with depression

enjoy the video below and the fan-bloody-tastic guitar solo by Slash

the lyrics are as follows

When I look into your eyes I can see a love restrained

But darlin’ when I hold you, don’t you know I feel the same?yeah

Nothin’ lasts forever and we both know hearts can change

And it’s hard to hold a candle in the cold November rain
We’ve been through this such a long long time

Just tryin’ to kill the pain, ooh yeah

But lovers always come and lovers always go

An’ no one’s really sure who’s lettin’ go today, walking away
And if we take the time to lay it on the line

I could rest my head just knowin’ that you were mine, all mine

So if you want to love me then darlin’ don’t refrain

Or I’ll just end up walkin’ in the cold November rain

Do you need some time on your own?

Do you need some time all alone?

Everybody needs some time on their own

Don’t you know you need some time all alone?

I know it’s hard to keep an open heart

When even friends seem out to harm you

But if you could heal the broken heart

Wouldn’t time be out to charm you?

Sometimes I need some time on my own

Sometimes I need some time all alone

Everybody needs some time on their own

Don’t you know you need some time all alone

And when your fears subside and shadows still remain, oh yeah

I know that you can love me when there’s no one left to blame

So never mind the darkness we still can find a way

Nothin’ lasts forever even cold November rain

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

You’re not the only one, you’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

You’re not the only one, you’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

You’re not the only one, you’re not the only one

Don’t ya think that you need somebody?

Don’t ya think that you need someone?

Everybody needs somebody

=========================

A classic!