Broken Tooth, No Broken Spirit

Nine days till Christmas and I have no intention of putting up a tree this year, as Brandon will be spending the holidays at his mum’s I will be alone for most of the Christmas period, so I really don’t want to look at a tree which is meant to celebrate a time for family.

It was my choice for him to spend most of the time away as I know I will be a miserable bastard and did not want it to impact on him, as my childhood memories of Christmas heavily influence my hatred for this time of year. Better he is with his mum who does a great job with Christmas than to be here with me impersonating the grinch.

Things are good apart from the fact that I broke a tooth at the weekend eating maltesers and as someone who has not seen a dentist for about 7 years I can tell you what great news this was! However being a good boy I was on the phone to them at 8 am this morning and have an appointment for tomorrow where I can look forward to an extraction, I assume, and a lecture (wohooo, I really love those)

On top of this I really have to let some steam off and moan about people. I am really sick of people using me for when it suits them, as an example I have spoken to three suicidal people in the past month and offered them support and an ear, yet do I hear from them again? Seems the majority people are only interested in me when it suits them not when I need someone.

I am getting to the stage where I am not sure that continuing with this blog, and being readily available for people, is such a good option for me. As much as I have enjoyed helping people it pisses me off that these people then avoid me, especially at times when I have asked for help myself. I am happy to give but there are times when it is needed to reciprocated and all too often that is not forthcoming and I am (finally) learning that the only person I can really rely on is myself.

I have “friends” abusing me because I wont give them what they want and do things the way they want them and the selfishness nature of people is grinding me down, more and more I am letting people walk away from me because I just cannot be arsed with arguing and defending myself.

People tend to forget that I have issues that need working on, but the moment I have a bad time I am the bad guy.

All I ask from people is effort, and nothing less than I would put in, but for plenty of people it appears to be an unacceptable request. Give and take is all well and good when it is shared equally, all too often this is not happening.

I am in a pretty good place currently though, despite the broken tooth and I can see things so much better now in terms of how people act around me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time, and I am preparing myself to get through the next few weeks when I will feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. I feel able to drop people without it causing me pangs of guilt, even more so when I am not in the wrong! The days of me chasing after people because I want attention all gone, the days of me reaching out to people because I am needy and alone are gone. If people don’t want to talk to me for whatever reason that is fine with me.

I have survived because I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a better person than I give myself credit for and its time I gave the people who go out of their way for me more attention because it is those people who deserve it.

When I say I don’t give a fuck anymore I honestly mean it. I will not allow people to affect my mood anymore.

And for those who don’t like it – please do not let the door hit you on the way out..

And for the people I know will stand by me just remember…

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An Update for You

I am still wifeless – she wants space so I am leaving her in peace.

I am coping pretty damn well though if I do say so myself. The flat have been hoovered, there is no dirty laundry and all washing up has been done. It appears I can be domesticated how would have thought….

My depression is not being allowed to affect me, as much as I am hurting right now I HAVE to stay strong for my own sanity as well as for Brandon and Lilybet.

I know a few people are concerned about any thoughts of suicide so let me reassure you all that the thought has never even crossed my mind! All I am focusing on is dragging the old Garry out from where he has been hiding, kicking and screaming if necessary!

I am Moose I AM STRONG!!!!!

I have been through enough over the past 2 years to know I can survive anything if only I realise how fucking awesome I actually am! There I said it I am awesome! I have helped lots of people through my battle and who am I to deny the public its craving for moose!

This brings me nicely to my next point….

How do you help someone with depression when they are going through hard times?

Judging by the lack of messages from people I have known online for many years it appears that doing nothing and saying nothing is the best way…

Now let me tell you this, if I am going through shit times nothing and I repeat NOTHING brightens my day more than a message from a friend asking if I am ok, and letting me know they are there if I need/want to talk.

It is not a case of saying the wrong thing, it is all about letting that person know you are there for them. By doing nothing you are only adding to their issues because it makes them think that you couldn’t care less. Believe me I am talking from experience!

It takes a few minutes to send someone a message yet that could have such a positive reaction and make a huge difference to that person.

As much as I moan about not having any friends in the real world I have some brilliant folks in the online community who have been checking up on me and listening to my wallowing…. as for those who haven’t bothered well that is their loss not mine I am not bitter about it, I would say more vindictive is my nature <evil cackle>

As I have tweeted many times before make effort with people with depression and it will help. I don’t always wanna talk about depression! I am depressed but I am still Garry/Moose I can still take the piss out of you like I used to ūüėÄ

Sometimes the fear of saying the wrong thing prevents people from getting in touch but my experience is that I would rather have someone accidentally say the wrong thing but with good intentions than being ignored..

So to summarize for you

1) I have no suicidal thoughts or feelings

2) Moose is fucking awesome and starting to realise it!

3) Don’t be a stranger

 

 

Emotionless Moose

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my Great Aunt Eileen who passed away aged 90 on 25th March. The cremation took place in Coventry which meant a 2 hour drive from London. Leaving at 10 am was difficult for me with my concerns over my IBS but thankfully the medication had kicked in and I had no issues for the whole day.

Anytime I have to leave the flat in the morning involves me getting up at least 3 hours beforehand to make sure I am “empty” and have taken Loperamide and wait for it to work so I don’t have the added stress of finding a toilet. Even more important when driving for 2 hours! but thankfully it worked nicely yesterday – I even managed to eat a cheese sandwich on the way which is the equivalent of waving a red flag to a bull most days!

At the service as the coffin was brought in I felt nothing, not a single thing. Even when Abide With Me was played all I was interested in was singing the words rather than thinking about past loved ones who have died and had that hymn played.  No tears, no lump in throat, no feelings of sadness especially watching my beloved Nan suffering. Just as importantly when I woke up this morning no repercussions from the day suddenly catching up with me.

Ladies and gentlemen I believe this is called  Рmaking progress

For me not to cry my eyes out and then reflect on Eric, Ron and Teresa is a huge step in my recovery.

For me not to spiral downwards following a funeral is a huge step as well!

I was more focused on the well being of  my Nan than I was about anything else and it may well be that this is the reason that I was so calm but for the past few years I have cried whenever I have heard Abide With Me and this time I did not, for me to want to sing it was even better!

Long may this frame of mind continue!