Facing The Past

Those who have been reading for a while will know that a huge factor in my depression was caused by the death of my Uncle Ron who I cared for in the final 12-18 months of his life.

On Friday my Uncle Jim was taken into hospital with what was a suspected stroke, among other possible illnesses and I had to face up to issues and emotions that I had buried since Ron died.  Not only was it the same hospital that Ron was taken to, but it was also my first visit back to the hospital since my attempted overdose in July.

I couldn’t see him for the first two days of his visit as I couldnt bring myself to attend the hospital and so I decided that going out on Saturday night and having a drink would be a good idea – up until the point when the alcohol brought everything back out and I spent the rest of Saturday ┬ánight/ Sunday morning in a terrible frame of mind dealing with things I had tried to bury.

Sadly this also meant I had to let down someone very important to me on Sunday but I hope they understand why, spending time with them is something I am desperate for but I just could not face doing anything Sunday until I had dealt with the issues at hand, which was very hard and emotionally draining to the point where I was awake all night until around 6.30 am working my way through tears grief and guilt that I had not faced properly previously.

Finally I felt able to go and visit my uncle in the hospital and face up to the past and I am not ashamed to admit it was so much harder than what I expected, emotionally draining sums it up nicely.

The past few days have been really difficult but also helpful in finally letting go of certain things after a few years of keeping them buried away.

Today Jim was sent home from hospital and although he doesn’t have a clean bill of health, he is in his 80s and had a triple bypass many years ago, he is back home and for me that feels like closure as the last uncle that went into that hospital never made it out again.

I faced the past and made it over a few hurdles successfully – for my friend I let down I am sorry.

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