“Could Do Better” Story of my Life

Three words that have followed me from childhood into adulthood!

Every year my school report contained the same thing from most of my teachers “Could do better” and if I was to look back on my 34 years the same words would apply.

I seem to be a shining example of a wasted life with very little to show for the talent(s) and ability that I possess.

I am actually more intelligent that I act, and yet I can look back at almost every aspect of my life with pangs of regret over how little I have actually managed to accomplish. Whether through my fault or others making the choices for me there is nothing for me to look back at and think “wow I achieved everything I set out to do!” be it career wise or personally.

I have had more jobs than I care to remember since leaving school in 1995, working in Retail, sales, pubs and clubs, a teaching assistant and even being a doorstep collector for a loan company (issuing loans and chasing repayments) and yet at this point in my life I still have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life.

At 20 I was footwear manager in what was the biggest sports shop in Europe! now I can’t even get employment in shops as there are so many people applying for each job. I applied for a volunteering position at Mind and didn’t get as much as an interview. I feel like at 34 I am unemployable! The rejection side of job hunting is scary especially for someone like me with self esteem issues to begin with! It is almost 3 years since I had a job and whilst my depression is severe enough to currently keep me signed off I then have to deal with being tarred as a “benefits scrounger”. The time will soon come when I need to start looking for work again, even if currently the idea of being at work scares the hell out of me, not just the job itself but the drama of the commute which will be hell for me with my toilet issues, especially in the mornings!

The talent is there though it is more a question of using it proactively and productively! Besides finding it in the first place because there really is more to me than sitting on my fat arse!

Wasted Talent should be my motto! What can I do though? I am not a writer that much I have been made aware off, chances of me writing a novel pass with each day that I don’t open up the “Second Chances” file and work on it! 6 months since I even looked at the story so far tells me that it is not my niche!

So where now? answers on a postcard please because I need some inspiration to make the step from scrounger to bread winner before we sink into the financial abyss.

As my idol Mr De Niro said in the film A Bronx Tale “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent!”

 

“Sonny and my father always said that when I get older I would understand. Well, I finally did. I learned something from these two men. I learned to give love and get love unconditionally. You just have to accept people for what they are, and I learned the greatest gift of all. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever.”

I guess time will tell whether I can A) find my talent and B) make the most of it

For now though the trawling through jobs I have no hope of getting will soon be starting and hopefully I can find something that gives me a chance or at the very least not let the constant stream of rejection send me into a spiral!