I Forgot…Now I Remember

So in between the worst week in memory I suddenly was hit by a thunderbolt.

Oprah Winfrey was on the Jonathan Ross show last night here in the UK and said something that hit me right between the eyes.

She told about how she was sexually abused at 14 and ended up pregnant, she lost that baby and her father told her

“You have been given a second chance, DON’T WASTE IT”

She said it was there and then that she knew that she wanted to help others using her experience.

This was the reason that I started blogging, to help other people by sharing my daily battles.

It took a kind message from someone on Facebook (you can add me here to remind me that people DO care about what I have to say and that it DOES help others.

For those regular and long-term readers you may have noticed every now and again that I have a degree in wallowing and self loathing.  It stems from years of rejection by various people and sometimes the walls we have had built for 20+ years need to be pulled down and rebuilt. Rebuilt with better materials, modernised to allow people in…

The problem I have is that I take every little rejection personal. Someone who I thought was a good friend has just dropped me like a stone which hit me hard, where I go wrong is that I forget that it is the other party that has issues and not me (all the time!)

I like to go that extra mile for people and forget to look after myself properly, although being concerned for other people is a good thing in my eyes. I need to remember to be kinder to myself, and when people do send praise my way to accept it. Dismissing praise is a bad habit and one I need to work on – so keep the praise coming, all in the name of research of course.

The point though is that this blog has had nearly 80,00 views with an average of 100 views a day. This means people look up to me, sometimes this idea blows me away that I have so much interest in little old moosey. I do have a sense of purpose, I WANT to be viewed as someone who people can look at as an example of how depression can ruin your life but still somehow we survive, even if at times the dark can be overwhelming.

I focus on what I want not what I need. What I want is often not obtainable because it is out of my control, what I need is what I allow to come to me. The world has a way of bringing things/people into your life when you least expect it. I am now working on allowing nature to take its course, or God’s plan to show rather than forcing everything.

When people are struggling yet take the time out to message me with ideas, advice, the offer of an ear it shows that I do actually have more than I admit at times. While I expect too much from people I know that this is an unrealistic approach to life, there are lots of people who message me via social media to offer warmth, sincerity or a swift boot up the backside!

I focus on those who DON’T contact me….. from this moment on that will change.

If I am so forgettable to them then surely that means they are forgettable to me right?

I need to fill my days again, the worst thing that happened to me and my recovery was having to quit the gym because it helped me so much, enhanced confidence at the weight loss but more importantly I was leaving the flat and doing things everyday.

The question again today is WHEN will I get better and no longer WHY wont I get better.

And who would’ve thought that Oprah Winfrey would be my inspiration…

One final thing, I want to extend a huge thank you to the person who donated to me today via the paypal option on the home page. It humbled me that you would be so generous and means the world to me!

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“Could Do Better” Story of my Life

Three words that have followed me from childhood into adulthood!

Every year my school report contained the same thing from most of my teachers “Could do better” and if I was to look back on my 34 years the same words would apply.

I seem to be a shining example of a wasted life with very little to show for the talent(s) and ability that I possess.

I am actually more intelligent that I act, and yet I can look back at almost every aspect of my life with pangs of regret over how little I have actually managed to accomplish. Whether through my fault or others making the choices for me there is nothing for me to look back at and think “wow I achieved everything I set out to do!” be it career wise or personally.

I have had more jobs than I care to remember since leaving school in 1995, working in Retail, sales, pubs and clubs, a teaching assistant and even being a doorstep collector for a loan company (issuing loans and chasing repayments) and yet at this point in my life I still have NO IDEA what I want to do with my life.

At 20 I was footwear manager in what was the biggest sports shop in Europe! now I can’t even get employment in shops as there are so many people applying for each job. I applied for a volunteering position at Mind and didn’t get as much as an interview. I feel like at 34 I am unemployable! The rejection side of job hunting is scary especially for someone like me with self esteem issues to begin with! It is almost 3 years since I had a job and whilst my depression is severe enough to currently keep me signed off I then have to deal with being tarred as a “benefits scrounger”. The time will soon come when I need to start looking for work again, even if currently the idea of being at work scares the hell out of me, not just the job itself but the drama of the commute which will be hell for me with my toilet issues, especially in the mornings!

The talent is there though it is more a question of using it proactively and productively! Besides finding it in the first place because there really is more to me than sitting on my fat arse!

Wasted Talent should be my motto! What can I do though? I am not a writer that much I have been made aware off, chances of me writing a novel pass with each day that I don’t open up the “Second Chances” file and work on it! 6 months since I even looked at the story so far tells me that it is not my niche!

So where now? answers on a postcard please because I need some inspiration to make the step from scrounger to bread winner before we sink into the financial abyss.

As my idol Mr De Niro said in the film A Bronx Tale “The saddest thing in life is wasted talent!”

 

“Sonny and my father always said that when I get older I would understand. Well, I finally did. I learned something from these two men. I learned to give love and get love unconditionally. You just have to accept people for what they are, and I learned the greatest gift of all. The saddest thing in life is wasted talent, and the choices that you make will shape your life forever.”

I guess time will tell whether I can A) find my talent and B) make the most of it

For now though the trawling through jobs I have no hope of getting will soon be starting and hopefully I can find something that gives me a chance or at the very least not let the constant stream of rejection send me into a spiral!

 

Feeling like a Failure

One of the things about depression I hate the most is that feeling of being a failure. I think of all the symptoms this is the one that drags me down the most of all.

 

I can handle, for the best part, most of the other symptoms except the negative ones. Always in the back of my mind is that little voice chirping away at my insecurities. In many ways I wish I had not published books because I am constantly checking for sales and seeing none makes my feelings of failure and worthlessness grow.

There has been sales though that’s the annoying thing about it – although not as many that I can start to employ a team of staff to cater to my every whim.

Below is an image of my smashwords dashboard which shows sales from my books

 

This does not take into account sales from Amazon or paperback sales which are all done separately  but as you can see Diary of The Depressed Moose has sold 13 copies since 10th August. However all my brain focuses on is that it has been downloaded 50 times. With smashwords you can preview 20% of the book and that counts as a download, this means that 37 people have downloaded the book and previewed it and then not purchased it. This makes that little voice scream failure.

Stepping into the Light has sold a lot more copies but 35 of them were free copies given to people who submitted poetry.

Try as hard as I can the positive fact that 13 people have purchased the book does not seem to get through to me.

I should be screaming from the roof tops with pride that I have sold 21 books overall shouldn’t I? so why can’t I do it?

The same logic applies to my time job hunting. In 18 months I applied for over 400 jobs and was only selected for 2 interviews! Failure or rejection do not work well in the mind of someone suffering from depression!

As you know I am attempting to write a novel, it is a romance one so would appeal to a wider audience but if the truth be told I am scared of completing it and self publishing it. The fear of it failing eats away at me, in the previous two weeks I had written an average of 10,000 words a week, and yet in the past 8 days I have written 2000. I am scared of what happens after I finish. I will have no other project to work on to take my mind away from depression, as well as my obsessive need to check sales reports several times a day!

Too interested in numbers is my curse, not being able to read between the lines and see the positive is my problem.

But the good news is I am not in denial of my issues 😀

I guess I am just too damn needy for my own good. Always seeking reassurance and validation of my writing will only drive me and my friends mad.

When I am low I am needy. Receiving praise seems to work wonders for me as it would anyone I guess.