I am in another cycle again where I can guarantee two things will happen even though I really try to prevent them.
1. All I want to do is sleep but can’t sleep at night so sleep during the day
2. I start losing obscene amounts of money I don’t have playing bingo – and not just my money but setting up accounts in Sheryl’s name and spending her money too.
The guilt today is driving me mad because she is so understanding and does everything for me and yet I cannot do the simple things like control my addictions or stay awake during the day.
Last week I went to bed at 10.30 and since that night have not managed to sleep before 5 am at the earliest! I have chronic tiredness, I am physically drained and mentally exhausted.
And so angry at myself for doing this again! Thank god I went shopping the other day before I thought it would be a good idea to play bingo again.
Truth is Sheryl really has no idea how much I have spent playing and every time she questions her money I play dumb and I HATE myself for it.
I would not even say I have a gambling problem because it is only when I get very down that I play and as I said it is the first time in months that I have done it (classic denial?)
For the past few months I was so busy working on books that I was not even thinking of doing anything but writing or editing but for two weeks now I have nothing to write for my novel. I liked the projects because it was a welcome distraction and I really enjoyed doing it but now I feel like a failure because I can’t do it anymore.
Just for one night could someone please take this brain out my head and find the creative one I used to use!
Roll on tomorrow and tattoo day because then at least I will have something to show for my guilt and some pain to stop the numb feelings
The Depressed Moose 
I’m the same with money, even when I can’t afford it I go spending money on Ebay buying things I don’t really need. I guess like your gambling, it is the temporary buzz that keeps driving me back to it. Unfortunately debt and depression often seem to go hand in hand.
Have you discussed your sleep problems with your GP? I sleep patters have improved considerably since changing to Mirtazipine. Although it is not a panacea and I still get the low moods I do at least sleep better nowadays.
Good luck with the tattoo. I had my second one a couple of weeks ago and find it less painful than a trip to the dentist.
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its the cycle of sleeping during the day that doesnt help :0(
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In a recent post you mentioned that you were finally starting therapy. That is very good to know. I think that the more chance you give therapy and being prescribed the right meds, things will straighten out better for you and your moods will be more evened out. Gambling is a huge part of Bipolar disorder and just spending money recklessly is a symptom of Bipolar Disorder. I hope that ongoing Therapy is something that you can afford. Realizing and accepting mental illness are very good first steps in treatment. But getting to the place where it can be controlled is harder and nearly impossible without help. I personally also would add that prayer is another good help.
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thanks Carla prayers are much appreciated and I ask for help most nights!
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😉
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I am sorry that you are feeling “down in it” today. I hope that you can make it through without causing damage like you described. Maybe just putting it out there in this post can help you keep your head above water…
I know what it feels like to be stuck inside of yourself…looking outside, wanting to get out, but you are chained there. It is so strange to be self-aware, yet still unable to control it.
I hope that you can keep talking and moving through it. And I hope that it helps you~
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just writing it is so helpful
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moose.. you are very cute 🙂
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i am?
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You lost a bunch of your money AND your wife’s money gambling and you are still going to spend hundreds getting a tattoo?? You were justifying it because you won $300 playing bingo but apparently now you are in the hole. How do you justify it now?
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1) I am not spending 100s on this tattoo where people are getting this from I do not know
2) I did not say I was in a hole nor did I say that I had lost more than I recently won, which is not the case
3) I do not need to justify it to you or anyone else
thanks for the comments though appreciate you stopping by and being so forthright and judgmental
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Oh, and if you’re being dishonest with your wife about where the money is going, you definitely have a serious gambling problem. It doesn’t matter if it’s been a few months or a few years since you’ve done it last.
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Awwww, I thought there was no judgement here? I am disappointed…so sorry, Moose.
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its ok Jenn people can have their opinions and I will not delete their comments because I dont like them.
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There should be no guilt, only truth, … sometimes the messenger cannot handle the truth, sometimes we suppose the receiver would not be able to handle the truth. But from what you have written before, I think Sheryl can handle the truth … but i could be wrong. Pleading guilty is a first step towards a lasting solution.
You could expect some stormy weather though, but a warrior should not fear the storm, only fear itself. We can only learn from our (repeated) mistakes.
Perhaps the following gives some liberating insight:
“Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. That’s its balance.” ― Osho
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thanks Bert! Sheryl has been informed and is really understanding about it – one in a million i tell ya!
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I’m sorry you’re struggling at the moment. You’ve done really well to admit about the gambling here, maybe the next step is to tell Sheryl about it. I know it will be very difficult, and she might be angry/upset, but if she knows about it she will be able to help you through this. If you can, try and find ways to stop yourself gambling money away, although it gives a temporary buzz (I find shopping has this effect on me), in the end it will end up with you feeling worse. Also, reading the comments I was very disappointed to read a very judgmental and unfair comment. You do not deserve that, and what you need is support not criticism. Good luck with the tattoo tomorrow, and take care of yourself x
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i didnt have to approve that comment but felt it was ok especially as it had 0 effect on me 😀
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I’m glad 🙂
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Hey sweetheart. Sounds like you are in a bad place, so first of all I’m going to send some hugs and encouragement.
Here’s my tuppence worth: you’re not well and your poorly brain is making decisions that you wouldn’t otherwise make. Gambling, spending money on things you convince yourself you ‘need’ and lying about it all is not the sign of a well brain. Please make sure that you talk to your doctor about this?
I hope you won’t think me judgemental. It’s just that I’ve been guilty of similar reckless behaviour in the past, and from my experience it doesn’t end well.
xxx
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been a good moose tonight and self excluded from nearly all my accounts (and sheryls) only ones I have not done are the ones where i dont know the log in details LOL
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Good work. Well done you 😀
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