I am in another cycle again where I can guarantee two things will happen even though I really try to prevent them.
1. All I want to do is sleep but can’t sleep at night so sleep during the day
2. I start losing obscene amounts of money I don’t have playing bingo – and not just my money but setting up accounts in Sheryl’s name and spending her money too.
The guilt today is driving me mad because she is so understanding and does everything for me and yet I cannot do the simple things like control my addictions or stay awake during the day.
Last week I went to bed at 10.30 and since that night have not managed to sleep before 5 am at the earliest! I have chronic tiredness, I am physically drained and mentally exhausted.
And so angry at myself for doing this again! Thank god I went shopping the other day before I thought it would be a good idea to play bingo again.
Truth is Sheryl really has no idea how much I have spent playing and every time she questions her money I play dumb and I HATE myself for it.
I would not even say I have a gambling problem because it is only when I get very down that I play and as I said it is the first time in months that I have done it (classic denial?)
For the past few months I was so busy working on books that I was not even thinking of doing anything but writing or editing but for two weeks now I have nothing to write for my novel. I liked the projects because it was a welcome distraction and I really enjoyed doing it but now I feel like a failure because I can’t do it anymore.
Just for one night could someone please take this brain out my head and find the creative one I used to use!
Roll on tomorrow and tattoo day because then at least I will have something to show for my guilt and some pain to stop the numb feelings