Moose Attacked By Cougar

Breaking news!!

Last night saw a lone moose attacked by a cougar in a shocking turn of events,

Trying as hard as he could to defend himself (yeah right!) and fight the cougar off (pppfffttt!) he eventually gave in to nature and was eaten alive – which he thoroughly enjoyed..

So nice to feel attractive and wanted again, even better to go to sleep with someone wrapped around you and wake up the next morning still with them.

Even better knowing moose meat can be put back on the menu for the ladies out there, and nice that the strings that were holding me back were cut to shreds at long last..

 

 

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Sex and Depression 50 Shades style

Warning Contains Sexual Content!!

Just for fun…

If 50 Shades was written by a man with depression……

 

She looked lovingly into his eyes as he announced to her that he had been shopping for gifts to treat her. Her eyes widened as he produced a bag with the distinctive Ann Summers logo on it and proceeded to pull out treat after treat. She gasped as he finally pulled out a huge vibrator. She thought she saw a seductive grin appear on his face and she imagined the fun she could have with the toys now at her disposal.

“you’re gonna have to fuck yourself tonight!” he said “I can’t be bothered!”

She was determined to have him though, she remembered him when they first met. The charming, handsome man with that cheeky smile and sparkling eyes. Well dressed and smelling heavenly with just the right amount of aftershave. She waited till she thought he was asleep and crept into his bed. Slowly she kissed his neck whilst her hand moved down his chest playing with his hair and circling his nipples. He shifted in his sleep as she moved her mouth lower down his chest, her head disappearing under the duvet. She could feel his legs parting as if to make her access easier, and then as she was tantilisingly close to his manhood he lifted his legs up and farted! Whilst holding the duvet over her head so she couldn’t escape.¬†She withdrew from the bottom of the bed, as if the smell from his arse was not bad enough she had to fight off the stench from socks that he had been wearing for weeks! so long that had almost become apart of his skin! Furious she yelled at him but the sound of his snoring drowned out her screaming.

The next morning whilst she sat on the sofa with a face like thunder he appeared as if nothing had happened last night, “what’s with the miserable face?” he asked her¬†innocently. After she explained everything that had taken place,”be grateful I didn’t follow through” was his reply, how upset she had been and, more importantly, how badly she felt the relationship had been progressing recently because he had let himself go so much he looked her in the eyes, took a deep breath and replied “well fuck off then if your unhappy” and he went back to bed!

Later that afternoon he finally got up out of bed, he looked at himself in the mirror and decided today he would make a start on some improvements.

Out went the tracksuit bottoms, t-shirt and underwear that had been on for weeks. He treated himself to some fresh clean clothes after a long soak in the bath. She would be home from work in less than an hour and he wanted to surprise her by being dressed and out of bed for a change.

He text her a grovelling apology and promised tonight he would make it up to her when she got home. He finally removed the beard from his face, washed his hair and, having spent ages admiring himself in the mirror was feeling great when she walked through the door. With almost animalistic lust he pounced upon his prey, kissing her as he peeled her out of her clothes, before leading her into the bedroom and forcefully pulling her onto the bed.

Only there was a problem, try as he might he could not get an erection. Even after she tried with her mouth to arouse him there was no sign of life…

“Fucking anti-depressants!” he moaned, before rolling over in a sulk, and drifted back to sleep.