Hide and Sleep

Almost like the kids game hide and seek except I don’t want to be found, nor do I want to be woken up.

All I want to do is hide away from everyday stresses and challenges that are mounting up and reducing my enthusiasm and energy levels for doing pretty much anything!

I have reverted back to the old days of hiding myself away from people, I have removed myself from groups on Facebook that have been part of me for years. Not that anyone has noticed mind you but that is by the by, why should people notice if I am around or not when I have nothing useful to offer.

As a father, husband and a friend I am pretty useless at the moment, wallowing in self pity is my biggest trait currently.

Take today as an example, our internet and TV service was suspended as the bill was overdue, now our bill is insane given our financial situation but I couldn’t be without my internet or sports. So after hunting round and finding a credit card that had enough to cover the bill I had to wait for the service to be reactivated. So what did I do? I slept until 2 pm because I couldn’t handle not being able to come online, or watch TV!

Priorities all wrong I hear you cry, and I am ready for people to criticise me for having such a high bill and package for TV but then as I don’t ever leave the house unless essential why shouldn’t we be able to have entertainment indoors? it just so happens that we were a few days short of paying the bill this month and virgin media wouldn’t wait!

Besides my worryingly over reliance on the internet, my intentions towards over people are good! I really do want to help others deal with depression and other mental health illnesses. I make an effort to contact people via social media if I can see they are having a rough time, or even if I notice an absence of activity and I would like to think it is appreciated rather than me being a pain in the arse!

I guess from my point of view I committed the cardinal sin of mental health which is to worry about other people to the extent that I forget to look after myself. I can’t help it I like the idea of helping people but truth be told I don’t think I am a nice or good person! I am the first to moan that people don’t contact me, it’s all about me and my issues not you and your problems and I hate that about myself I really do.

(Hopefully at this point people will say otherwise!)

I didn’t even manage to attend the time to change event at the weekend that I volunteered for, the truth was all I could do was sleep. I couldn’t face it, yet felt awful for letting people down.

You see the problem with this moose when he is going through a rough patch like this is that he becomes very needy! To the point of attention seeking! see I admitted it, I know my faults and don’t deny them. This doesn’t mean I do anything about them of course but acknowledging them is the first step right?

If anyone has any suggestions for combating this need to be loved, admired or simply wanted I would be grateful because it drives me mad! I wish I knew why I was so obsessed with numbers and stats my life would be much better if this was not the case.

Don’t hate me for it you will grow to love me for my neediness honest!

Meanwhile if you see a sleeping moose don’t wake him, sometimes a sleeping moose is a happy moose! or at the very least a non moaning, miserable bastard moose!

Photo Credit: Google

Photo Credit: Google

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Caught It!

Having had a good week I was expecting the mood swing to come sooner rather than later. From Monday morning until Saturday afternoon all was good.

I was carefully watching the signs for the changes trying to learn more about what causes my downswing and yesterday I caught the mood change.

It happened over a couple of hours and I could feel it happening, from feeling “normal” to suddenly feeling anxious and low. The IBS kicked off as soon as the anxiety returned so there I was back to square one again.

Only time I knew what had caused it!

At weekends Sheryl goes down to her parents, every other weekend she works a few hours and Lilybet gets to see her brothers (my 2 step sons) and grandparents, meanwhile Brandon goes to stay with his mother leaving me home alone.

Usually at weekends I get to watch as much live football on TV as I want, so enjoy being left on my own without having to watch kids cartoons or even having to interact with anyone besides my online friends. In fact I hate it when people are around at weekends interfering with “my time”.

So it turns out I love being on my own but hate my own company!

How the hell do you solve a riddle like this?

Within hours of Sheryl leaving I was all over the place yesterday, completely low and full of insecurities.

Always questions like why I have no friends in the real world? and lately a real desire to go out for a JD and coke or 17! It has been years since I went out for a good drink, but having no friends makes it impossible as I wont go on my own and will not drink indoors.

So when did it happen that I hate myself or more appropriately being on my own?

I mean besides having a degree in sarcasm and being a piss taker I am a nice guy aren’t I?

The “needy” side of depression kills me at times, why is it I always need reassurance?

I never used to be this way.

Have always been well adept at showing confidence and generally not caring about how others saw me.

One day I will work out this needy issue I am sure it all stems from something locked away from my childhood days.

But for the love of God will someone show me some love 😀

The good news is I have got an appointment from the Mental Health team for another initial screening but this time not with a CPN but the next person along the chain so will be able to discuss this self esteem problem I seem to have.

Me, issues with self esteem! Does not make any sense to me!

The fat four eyed depressed man has self esteem issues!

That last part was kind of a joke albeit a bad one