Operation Get My Arse In Gear Is All Systems Go

Despite the year starting as the last one finished I have now started the process of getting my shit together again and trying to move forwards, making up for lost time spent under a black cloud the past few weeks.

Today I went back to the Dr and finally told them how things REALLY are and what a struggle it has been, and still is to an extent. The great thing about doing this blog is that I can go back over the posts and spot the signs of when things are heading downhill so I am fully aware when the cycle changes from average to shit again. Okay maybe sometimes they are good too…

This week has been really positive in terms of shaping the future, short term at least because that is what needs concentrating on.

It is amazing how much the mood can turn when someone goes out of their way for you, my confidence has gone through the roof since miss cougar stayed. It was lovely to realise that I AM attractive and do have something to offer and that feeling of the shackles being snapped off in terms of the past few months was as much as a relief as knowing I do not have blue balls anymore…..

I have wallowed in low self esteem for too long, but in many ways I tend to force myself to rock bottom from time to time and I can be my own worst enemy when it comes to my depression. If I ever get of the fucking waiting list for therapy I will make sure this is explored further.

Speaking of therapy, surely almost 2 years of waiting is long enough? In that time I have had 2 “initial assessments” but the wait goes on.. something that I mentioned to my GP today.

I have a few ambitions for this year, money allowing and want to visit some places in the UK at some point. Once I get these poxy loans paid off I intend to start booking train tickets. I especially want to visit Newcastle as I have a HUGE thing for the geordie accent so would be in heaven up there. Bournemouth, Ireland and Liverpool (Irish and scouse accents are 2 and 3 on my list!) are also must see places this year for me. So any readers with a spare room and a love for jack daniels and cleaning up moose sick please get in touch!

As far as the loans go it is amazing how people with such bad credit get accepted in the first place but I have managed to clear 2 so far with 2 to go, I am touched at the people who sent me donations via this blog which were used to clear some of the payments off.  I am working my butt off to clear the others asap. Another example of being my own worst enemy. I am pleased that there is only one arsehole who tries to put me down via this blog, Asylum Heaven kindly fuck off with the comments they are trashed before approval anyway. Most people are not judgmental and understand  the issues I have are linked to my cycles of depression but for those who want to try and make me feel worse with your comments..I wouldnt waste your time because your comments wont be approved so you are wasting your time.

Things are improving day by day, I am in contact with more people and have had a few visitors to Moose Mansion already this year with a big one next weekend when a great friend from Ireland is coming to stay! It is important to have something to look forward to and I know she cannot wait to spend time with me 😀

Being famoose does have it perks! I will be strolling into Macdonalds with her using the old “dont you know who I am?” line to get a free bigmac or 2, failing that I will be walking out with more straws than I will ever need, who doesn’t love a freebie!

While I remember I have a facebook page that you should like if you are on there – for no other reason than I am a numbers whore click here to find it and share with the world! I am also still looking for guest posts for this blog, on any subject about depression, how you deal with it, if you look after someone with depression, how you cope with a partner etc etc

I love being able to give people a voice and cannot recommend enough trying to write to release some shit from your chest, it has worked wonders for me time and time again so dont be shy get in touch and send me your words of magic!

As we leave January behind and enter February remember that the year has still only just begun, things can get better if we give ourselves a little time and not expect overnight change – hard as that can be at time.

Here is hoping that I can create plenty of memories this year to share with you, even involving some of you as well – what would be better than a mooseketeers get together in London at some point!  Imagine that we can all wear something moose related and take the big smoke by storm!

And if miss cougar is reading this….maybe you can work some magic on the antlers this weekend!

flaccid-moose

 

Hanging On…Barely

Well the black dog has returned bringing an army with it this time, black clouds, thunder, lightning and darkness not seen for a long long time.

The pretending and putting on a brave face only works for so long before the eventual breaking down comes and the longer the game of pretense the harder the fall.

So here is where I am at currently..

Stuck in the payday loan nightmare where I had to borrow to survive post xmas and now have to attempt to repay the monies borrowed – of all the shit that has come with depression the fact that I am so bad with money is the biggest and most demoralising issues for me. For the next month I will be surviving on pretty much fresh air and handouts..

The other main issue is the fact that I am so  eager desperate to reach out to someone and remind them how I feel in the hope that the feelings are going to be reciprocated, even though I am 100% sure they are not… thankfully each time the long email/essay has been written I have yet to send it (thank fuck!)

Hiding away from the outside world because I just can’t face going out again – even though I am in need of a full-blown alcohol induced night out! but I have no one to go out with let alone money to spend on it.

My IBS is playing havoc with me again, I had a great friend come visit me yesterday and sadly for him he got an insight into how bad my stomach can be on days like this – a sure sign that I am highly stressed out/ anxious

I feel like I have to just get on with pretending to be alright because people expect me to be by now!

On top of this I received a letter from Atos with the dreaded medical form enclosed so lets look back at how things have gone since my last medical.

In Sep 2012 I had a lovely woman from Atos who did my medical (and yes she has probably been fired), who gave me 18 months to get my shit together, which I was doing up until the last six months…

I have lost my closest ever friend to cancer, my marriage broke up and I still don’t know the ins and outs which causes more issues, I attempted an OD, I am STILL waiting for therapy despite being on the waiting list for nearly 2 years and the GP I had so much faith and confidence in left leaving me with two new doctors to start building a relationship with. I am yet to feel like I can fully confide in both the new GPs so when I do see them its all about smiling and pretending to be fan-fucking-tastic..

Honestly I feel more like breaking down than carrying on at the moment and the more I try to fight this shit the harder it appears to be getting.

Thank God for Maria who comes round and gives me a hug from time to time because virtual hugs do not just cut it despite the well-meaning intentions…

It has been a long time since I gave in and let the tears out but at the moment I just can’t seem able to, why I do not know but maybe I am slightly worried that once they start they wont stop. If someone would only offer me a shoulder and an ear..

I am getting to the stage where I am well and truly sick of having to type about things via social media when I would rather talk about things..

So if you ask me how I am and I say OK, don’t be upset that you know I am not being honest, just know that I need more than the virtual right now…

Its Great Being a Benefit Scrounger

I love knowing that the percentage of the population who have never had to claim benefits think my life is all sunshine and lollipops because I claim benefits.

The rhetoric from the wankers in government is that I live the life of luxury, sauntering my money away on endless holidays, fancy food and squirreling away £50 notes like a politician hides his expense forms.

The truth is much less glamorous and part of the reason for my daily IBS attacks, stress and ultimately depression.

Last week I had to pawn my wedding ring – obviously no big deal right? I mean it is not like I need it (which was one helpful comment passed to me)… The ring that was my last remaining attachment to Sheryl. I now have zero things to do with the wedding and our marriage. It broke my heart and was probably a major factor in my slump over the past few days.

Worse of all was that the money I got for the ring lasted about 15 minutes once I factored in gas and electric, which are paid for on key meters, and a few bits of shopping to last the weekend. Yet it will take me months to save up to buy the ring back. Six months is all I have to get it back, but the way things are right now it doesnt look good.

Today I managed to go shopping with my mum who had some Iceland vouchers that I could use, it was the first time in 6 weeks that I could stock up on food. The last time I went was also paid for by my mum.

No matter how I try I cannot keep up with the household bills, when Sheryl was here her money accounted for around 66.6% of the household income and although I have reduced a lot of the bills my outgoings are still more than my incoming, especially as I am still playing catch up from being sanctioned.

I dare not look at letters from my housing association in case I am behind on rent, I am reckless with money when I do have some, especially when I am manic.

I go out once a month even though I can’t really afford to because I am stuck indoors all the time and need the escape but I always end up spending more than I should.

I make sure the kids get things before me, rightly so as a parent but there are things that I can’t really do without because of health conditions that I just simply cannot afford which is making the existing problems worse. For example many years ago as a kid when playing football I fucked my knees, this means I have to wear decent trainers to protect them. Air max are the only ones that I can wear for long periods of time without being crippled at the end of the day, but the cheapest pair equate to a weeks benefit for me so I am wearing footwear that basically kills me when I wear them.

As the winter kicks in, and naturally the energy company ups the prices, I have seen a 3 fold increase in the amount of gas I use a week, to the point where nearly 40% of my ESA goes in gas and electric. Yet I can only afford to put the heating on for an hour a day if I am lucky, this flat is freezing in the winter so even wearing an extra layer does nothing. Some days your hands are numb from the cold in here.

I am on average two months behind on ALL bills, and while the easy option would be to say “get rid of broadband” imagine how isolated I would be if I didn’t have internet access, all my friends are online and it is not like they come over and see me.

I have sold anything worth selling on Ebay, I have very little of value…

Worse of all is that I cannot give any money to Sheryl for Lilybets upkeep. 

So when you hear the media and the government talking about how much easier life is for the benefit scroungers have a serious think about it, the numbers they give you are there for their own agendas.

As much as I would love to be out working, the sad fact is that currently I am unable to do so because of my health. I can barely do anything right now because of my health…

The Root of My Depression…

Photo Credit: Google Images

Everything that brings me deeper into depression leads back to one thing.

MONEY – or more importantly a lack off!

It is the main thing that keeps me awake all night.

Living hand to mouth it not a good thing believe me, I am lucky if there is enough food in the flat to feed me once the kids have eaten. There is nothing worse than looking in an empty fridge, freezer, cupboard or wallet!

I always used to be able to find ways to earn money, selling on Ebay, selling mafia wars accounts now the thinking well is bone dry. The water that used to run to the well has been cut off for unpaid bills!

Yes I have a roof over my head but it is a shell of a flat, with more broken items that we can’t afford to replace than things that are  “new”. Broken beds, broken sofa, broken fridge and broken dreams!

Gas and electric run on prepaid meters and running off emergency credit at the moment. Sure it is simple to say “why don’t you cut off your internet?” Then where am I, I am even more invisible without my online friends and this blog. My link to people on the outside is only from the internet, real life people don’t give me or my family a second thought.

Thank God for my in-laws who go above and beyond the mother in law and father in law roles. Without them I wouldn’t see anyone else.

“Cut off the phones then” And then who else is going to look out for my elderly relatives? Who else is going to be their point of contact when they need someone or just a talk? No one that’s who!

“Stop smoking” Believe me I am on the case! What I don’t need is people saying “well if you can afford cigarettes…..”

And of course what I really need is being told “there are a lot of people worse off than you”

My Current funds in my “money pot”

Here it is then, all the money I have available as of right now! Some gold coins in there so I can at least get some dinner tonight.

So here’s to money, to the bankers who earn outrageous bonuses for crippling the world financially, to the sports stars who earn more a week than most of earn in 5 years and to me scraping the barrel trying to keep my head afloat!

Rant over (well the online rant is over at least poor Sheryl has to deal with one happy moose today!)

This post was sponsored by THE MOOSE BANK where we would love to lend you money but we have none ourselves!