(Un)Happy Anniversary

I have tried so hard not to write something like this but I need to get it out.. and its one of the hardest things I have written..

 

5 years ago tomorrow I was blessed to be waiting in the registry office for my best friend to become my wife, the happiest and most nerve-wracking day of my life and life was perfect. Seeing her walking towards me nervously biting her lip, laughing as we stuttered through the vows completely lost in each others eyes..

8 years ago today you came round to my flat and I nervously asked you to be my girlfriend

Yet tomorrow I am escaping for a week because I can’t bare the thought of sitting in the flat on my own on what should be a day of celebration. I wanted us to go to Don Pietro’s and have a nice meal together celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, go out for a few drinks afterwards get drunk together and enjoy ourselves.

People tell me to let go, to move on as it’s over BUT I just can’t do that as easily as people think. When you love someone with every part of your being how can you just accept she doesn’t want you anymore. The days of me flicking my feelings off and on are long in the past because the feelings are too strong, the love too real.

Yet I can completely understand your position currently, why you are doing what you are doing. It’s been hard for the past few years, too fucking hard! You need the time to find yourself again and enjoy the things you missed out on having kids so young and being in relationships.

Believe me I understand, but I wish it wasn’t me left behind in an empty flat with only memories of all the good times and tears streaming down my face at night.

I can’t help being soft it’s not something I am gonna change, I am who I am and I have to learn to accept that you don’t want me, love me and need me but it’s difficult for me to do that because I know how much i want you back in my life.

It’s not about me putting any pressure onto you, you have to do what’s right for you and I do get that – doesn’t mean I like it though because the fact is that the stronger I get the more I want my family back home with me. I know this could take time, that one day things may change but I can’t live on hope, I build things up in my head when I have hope. Hope, by the way, that only I have given myself because that is how my brain works.

The door is always open but I know deep down that you will never walk through it and it’s something that I need help with to accept and deal with. You see I am objective enough to see it from your point of view….

Please don’t tell me to move on like it’s as simple as one foot in front of the other, trust me I have tried and it’s like someone has tied my laces together and I fall flat on my face. Crazy really that in the grand scheme of things 2 months is not that long, especially in your shoes, but for me its been hell – yet I am still fighting and recovering which shows me how strong I actually am to not let this sink me.

The fact remains though that I love you more each day despite you not being here, and that’s because I am so much better these days that I can see you and us for what it once was – a perfect match of love – and it saddens me that it’s gone from your point of view.

So my beautiful wife I wish you a happy anniversary and I hope you have a lovely day doing whatever it is you end up doing. What a shame it’s an anniversary spent alone for me, have a few drinks for me if you head out with the girls..

Meanwhile I will keep working on doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do and let you go because that is what you want me to do…

I try not to live my life with regrets but this is something that will always make me look back on with them, and sadness that I couldn’t grow old with you by my side.

 

 

lovesomebody

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All Cried Out

Apologies for the lack of posts recently!

The past week has been incredibly difficult for me and writing was the last thing on my mind.

It started off last Saturday when Mrs Moose went and stayed with her mum for a few days as things have not been great in our marriage and she needed some time out to think. Unfortunately being married to someone who suffers with depression can be extremely difficult and frustrating especially when that person is in a bad cycle and just wants to sleep!

Sheryl has put up with a lot of crap from me while I battle with this black dog and I can be both exceptionally lazy and useless in equal measures at times. Thankfully after four days we sat down and spoke about what we need and want and about how we can work together to get things back on track. The up shoot of this all is that she has joined the gym with me and we intend to work out together as well as attend yoga classes together once a week.

The harder I work at improving my mental health the more I ignore other aspects of my life and working at my marriage was one of those things I neglected. Thankfully a pep talk from some spiritual sources made me pick up the phone and get Sheryl round for a chat, rather than sitting here alone and wallowing letting my marriage fail.

So marriage back on track and my girls back home where they belong I walked into the kitchen on Thursday morning and found my kitten dead on the floor. The poor thing had been ill for a while as she would eat food really quickly and then spend the day throwing up or choking. It was still a heart breaking moment as she was a lovely friendly cat who used to sleep with me at night and liked to sit on my shoulder when I was here at the computer. Thank God I found her though and not Lilybet, its been hard enough trying to explain Cat Heaven to her the last few days.

So after lots of tears this week I am pleased to say that I made it through the week!

Yes you read that correct the moose cried a lot this week! and I am not ashamed to admit it.

And yet here I am ready to do my first run tomorrow morning and very proud that I have raised over £500 for Mind but at the same time dreading the runs over the next 9 days because they are going to hurt my knees.

I also wanted to give a big shout out to the following people for helping me the last week and being there when I needed them. In no particular order

  • weegee
  • madd
  • Gary
  • Maria
  • Antonella
  • Tracey
  • Adam
  • Jem
  • life on the edge
  • little whizz
  • Bethan

I am always quick to moan that I have dont have many friends but the online ones I have never fail to be there for me and I am very happy for that! It was also nice that my twin brother stepped up as well. The poor thing suffers from terrible moose envy but is a great bloke and his wife is lovely too! Thanks Dave and Deb.

Tomorrow not only will I be celebrating crossing the finish line I will be raising my arms aloft at the victory that this week was over depression. I made it through the hardest week in a long time!

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either  RIP Izzy

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either RIP Izzy