Down But Not Quite Out

It appears I am much better at helping other people than I am at dealing with my own shit!

But even then I tend to fuck things up so all round I’m pretty damn useless around people.  So a quick apology to anyone who I have pissed off – you know who you are!

Back to my shit though.

This week after a chat with Mrs Moose it was decided that it would be best if she went to her mums, unfortunately this is the second time in the past month so I cannot tell you if it is a separation or the end at this point.  I am hard work, I am moody, needy, selfish and downright lazy and for her to be unhappy makes my depression even worse so mutually we came to this decision. What the future holds is anybodies guess but after almost 8 years of struggling with money worries and my mental health it has taken its toll on the both of us and the fight appears to have gone.

Where this leaves me currently is even harder to decipher, the prospect of adding a failed marriage to my list of failures is real and I am sure this makes me even more desirable to any potential partner.

What has been nice is that a few people have really stepped up in the last few days and made themselves available to talk if I need someone. It is great that people want to return the support I have given them in the past…

My low self esteem continues to eat away at me, add this to being frankly shit scared of what happens now and you can understand why I have been quiet the past few days.

I don’t see myself as desirable, lovable or attractive and I guess until I learn to like myself again I cannot expect anyone else to either. I can go one of two ways now though, I can go back to the gregarious Garry who was in all honesty a complete wanker! or I can sink into my shell even further – it appears that there is no middle ground and again this is something that I need to work on.

Certainly I am not that same 18 year old who would have a different woman a week and just didn’t care what people though of me, after all now I have a reputation as Moose to protect! but wouldn’t it be awesome for me if someone actually wanted me and lusted over me, made me feel like I was attractive. Who doesn’t want to feel wanted and needed? I know I do.

I am now working on being strong and trying to improve my mental health as poor old Brandon worries about his dad! He forgets it was me and him on our own for a few years before Mrs Moose came on the scene, but again I am different these days and he is an incredibly sensitive boy. Not many 13 year old kids have his sensitivity (or dramatic flair!) but he makes me very proud of him.

a rare photo of Brandon and  The Moose

a rare photo of Brandon and The Moose

 

I don’t talk much about Brandon because he isn’t as cute as Lilybet! but in all honesty it’s more about not wanting to embarrass him as he likes to read this blog – I don’t mind him reading it either as it educating him on mental health, something I wish my mother had done with me as she suffered from depression when I was growing up.

 

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All Cried Out

Apologies for the lack of posts recently!

The past week has been incredibly difficult for me and writing was the last thing on my mind.

It started off last Saturday when Mrs Moose went and stayed with her mum for a few days as things have not been great in our marriage and she needed some time out to think. Unfortunately being married to someone who suffers with depression can be extremely difficult and frustrating especially when that person is in a bad cycle and just wants to sleep!

Sheryl has put up with a lot of crap from me while I battle with this black dog and I can be both exceptionally lazy and useless in equal measures at times. Thankfully after four days we sat down and spoke about what we need and want and about how we can work together to get things back on track. The up shoot of this all is that she has joined the gym with me and we intend to work out together as well as attend yoga classes together once a week.

The harder I work at improving my mental health the more I ignore other aspects of my life and working at my marriage was one of those things I neglected. Thankfully a pep talk from some spiritual sources made me pick up the phone and get Sheryl round for a chat, rather than sitting here alone and wallowing letting my marriage fail.

So marriage back on track and my girls back home where they belong I walked into the kitchen on Thursday morning and found my kitten dead on the floor. The poor thing had been ill for a while as she would eat food really quickly and then spend the day throwing up or choking. It was still a heart breaking moment as she was a lovely friendly cat who used to sleep with me at night and liked to sit on my shoulder when I was here at the computer. Thank God I found her though and not Lilybet, its been hard enough trying to explain Cat Heaven to her the last few days.

So after lots of tears this week I am pleased to say that I made it through the week!

Yes you read that correct the moose cried a lot this week! and I am not ashamed to admit it.

And yet here I am ready to do my first run tomorrow morning and very proud that I have raised over £500 for Mind but at the same time dreading the runs over the next 9 days because they are going to hurt my knees.

I also wanted to give a big shout out to the following people for helping me the last week and being there when I needed them. In no particular order

  • weegee
  • madd
  • Gary
  • Maria
  • Antonella
  • Tracey
  • Adam
  • Jem
  • life on the edge
  • little whizz
  • Bethan

I am always quick to moan that I have dont have many friends but the online ones I have never fail to be there for me and I am very happy for that! It was also nice that my twin brother stepped up as well. The poor thing suffers from terrible moose envy but is a great bloke and his wife is lovely too! Thanks Dave and Deb.

Tomorrow not only will I be celebrating crossing the finish line I will be raising my arms aloft at the victory that this week was over depression. I made it through the hardest week in a long time!

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either  RIP Izzy

Really cute! oh and the kitten aint bad either RIP Izzy