The Evolution of Garry

Over a week since my holiday ended and I’m pleased to say there are no holiday blues, No signs of the normal crash that follows a happy period of my life, just moving on to the next part…. the dreaded 40th birthday that is coming in November.

I read a lot of blogs currently, although there certainly doesn’t seem to be as many as when this blog was in its heyday and as I read them it makes me realise just how much I have evolved over the years and how lucky I am that I learned to spot my triggers and warning signs.

The thing with depression is that if you’re not aware, not on guard and able to spot the patterns of behaviour it will creep up and take hold of you. A few weeks ago I went to my GP and got some antidepressants. I haven’t taken any. I haven’t needed to if truth be told but just unloading to someone impartial and getting it off my chest properly helped.

Of course the holiday played a huge part too. Doing something I’ve never done before and putting myself into a position where I could’ve been vulnerable and coming through it in a better than ever frame of mind showed me the strength I have. So much so that I have already booked my return trip to Cala Millor in June/July next year.

So here is my point…

Nothing changes if nothing changes!

I’ve had to evolve, take myself out my comfort zone and challenge myself. Change my routine because it wasn’t working for me.

Reading other peoples blogs I can see how they are in the same rut I was 5 years ago because the patterns are the same. It’s not just about mental heath but life in general, things wont just happen unless you do something to make it happen.

And if I can…… So can you!!

If I can put myself through the torture of match.com and tinder again, knowing how unlikely it is people will be interested in me, whats stopping you from making tweaks in your life to make it better.

Put yourself out there and good things will happen eventually.

I’m evolving and reconnecting with myself at the same time. I used to hate being alone all the time, now i enjoy my own company. I’m not afraid of being single and the dating world again. Rejection is part of life and so is getting hurt. It wont prevent me from putting myself out there because as my good mate Karl says “Garry is a bit of a romantic” and he is right. I do want my happy ever after, my last first kiss and all that soppy shit and one day I will find it… if she would get her arse into gear and hurry up that would be nice ūüėÉ

In the mean time I’m happy finding Garry again and doing things for me. My writing love has returned and I’m reaching out to more and more people.

Life is good right now and it’s because of me working at making it good. The rewards were worth the effort.

If you’re struggling remember Im always available via my facebook page. I never turn down anyone who reaches out to me.

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Emotionless Moose

Yesterday I attended the funeral of my Great Aunt Eileen who passed away aged 90 on 25th March. The cremation took place in Coventry which meant a 2 hour drive from London. Leaving at 10 am was difficult for me with my concerns over my IBS but thankfully the medication had kicked in and I had no issues for the whole day.

Anytime I have to leave the flat in the morning involves me getting up at least 3 hours beforehand to make sure I am “empty” and have taken Loperamide and wait for it to work so I don’t have the added stress of finding a toilet. Even more important when driving for 2 hours! but thankfully it worked nicely yesterday – I even managed to eat a cheese sandwich on the way which is the equivalent of waving a red flag to a bull most days!

At the service as the coffin was brought in I felt nothing, not a single thing. Even when Abide With Me was played all I was interested in was singing the words rather than thinking about past loved ones who have died and had that hymn played.  No tears, no lump in throat, no feelings of sadness especially watching my beloved Nan suffering. Just as importantly when I woke up this morning no repercussions from the day suddenly catching up with me.

Ladies and gentlemen I believe this is called  Рmaking progress

For me not to cry my eyes out and then reflect on Eric, Ron and Teresa is a huge step in my recovery.

For me not to spiral downwards following a funeral is a huge step as well!

I was more focused on the well being of  my Nan than I was about anything else and it may well be that this is the reason that I was so calm but for the past few years I have cried whenever I have heard Abide With Me and this time I did not, for me to want to sing it was even better!

Long may this frame of mind continue!