I hate the way you walked away,
so easily and carefree,
I hate the way you could so readily,
Feel nothing over me.
I hate the fact I meant so little,
so easy to forget.
I hate the fact that I’m the only one hurting,
and you have no remorse or regret.
I hate the way you could move on,
without a backwards glance.
I hate the fact I tried so hard,
And you never gave it a second chance.
I hate the fact I cry at night,
While you’re out with friends having fun.
I hate the fact I always knew,
That you were my special one.
I hate the fact I can let go,
no matter how hard I have tried,
I hate the way you changed so much,
full of stubbornness and pride.
I hate the fact you do not care,
that the love we had has gone.
I hate the way you flicked a switch
and can just carry on.
I hate the fact that 3 months on,
I miss you more each day.
I hate knowing you ignore me,
never listening to what I have to say.
I hate the fact you treat me this way
and no matter what you do…
I hate knowing that despite all this
I can’t stop loving you!
Placed on my finger,
with tenderness and love,
In my head I hear a choir singing,
Like the angels up above.
A symbol of commitment,
For all the world to see,
I belong to you,
How it was always meant to be.
Worn with pride and happiness,
My own lucky charm,
With the ring on my finger,
I would come to no harm.
Love, honour and cherish,
In good or in bad health,
The ring once on my finger,
Sits in its box on the shelf.
My finger naked without it,
My heart broken and torn
The ring now in it’s box
Never again to be worn.
Time to move on,
Let go of the past,
I thought this was forever
Never dreamed it would not last.
The word “divorce” scares me,
But do what you need.
Let me go and find someone else
I have to be freed!
You made your choice,
You decided not to fight,
I can hold my head high
and say I tried with all my might.
Release me back into the world,
free from this torture and pain
Someone else with want me,
I will find love again!
The options are clear now,
Come home or stay away.
I’m ready for both choices,
It’s just another day!
But don’t keep me waiting,
Decide one way or the other.
Mistake number 1 was walking away,
Thinking I’m waiting forever will be another.
I have tried so hard not to write something like this but I need to get it out.. and its one of the hardest things I have written..
5 years ago tomorrow I was blessed to be waiting in the registry office for my best friend to become my wife, the happiest and most nerve-wracking day of my life and life was perfect. Seeing her walking towards me nervously biting her lip, laughing as we stuttered through the vows completely lost in each others eyes..
8 years ago today you came round to my flat and I nervously asked you to be my girlfriend
Yet tomorrow I am escaping for a week because I can’t bare the thought of sitting in the flat on my own on what should be a day of celebration. I wanted us to go to Don Pietro’s and have a nice meal together celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, go out for a few drinks afterwards get drunk together and enjoy ourselves.
People tell me to let go, to move on as it’s over BUT I just can’t do that as easily as people think. When you love someone with every part of your being how can you just accept she doesn’t want you anymore. The days of me flicking my feelings off and on are long in the past because the feelings are too strong, the love too real.
Yet I can completely understand your position currently, why you are doing what you are doing. It’s been hard for the past few years, too fucking hard! You need the time to find yourself again and enjoy the things you missed out on having kids so young and being in relationships.
Believe me I understand, but I wish it wasn’t me left behind in an empty flat with only memories of all the good times and tears streaming down my face at night.
I can’t help being soft it’s not something I am gonna change, I am who I am and I have to learn to accept that you don’t want me, love me and need me but it’s difficult for me to do that because I know how much i want you back in my life.
It’s not about me putting any pressure onto you, you have to do what’s right for you and I do get that – doesn’t mean I like it though because the fact is that the stronger I get the more I want my family back home with me. I know this could take time, that one day things may change but I can’t live on hope, I build things up in my head when I have hope. Hope, by the way, that only I have given myself because that is how my brain works.
The door is always open but I know deep down that you will never walk through it and it’s something that I need help with to accept and deal with. You see I am objective enough to see it from your point of view….
Please don’t tell me to move on like it’s as simple as one foot in front of the other, trust me I have tried and it’s like someone has tied my laces together and I fall flat on my face. Crazy really that in the grand scheme of things 2 months is not that long, especially in your shoes, but for me its been hell – yet I am still fighting and recovering which shows me how strong I actually am to not let this sink me.
The fact remains though that I love you more each day despite you not being here, and that’s because I am so much better these days that I can see you and us for what it once was – a perfect match of love – and it saddens me that it’s gone from your point of view.
So my beautiful wife I wish you a happy anniversary and I hope you have a lovely day doing whatever it is you end up doing. What a shame it’s an anniversary spent alone for me, have a few drinks for me if you head out with the girls..
Meanwhile I will keep working on doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do and let you go because that is what you want me to do…
I try not to live my life with regrets but this is something that will always make me look back on with them, and sadness that I couldn’t grow old with you by my side.
I dreamed of you again last night,
And the magic from the first time we met.
Walking hand in hand at midnight,
In the rain, it didn’t matter that we got wet.
Sitting in the field as the sun went down,
Watching the moon and stars,
Talking and laughing for hours
Lost in the precious time of ours.
We laughed and cried as we shared our past,
enchanted by each others stories.
We didn’t dwell on the pain too much,
And emphasized all our glories.
The rain came and went, and back came the heat,
As the grass soaked out feet,
But still we sit there alone with each other
Two lost souls destined to meet.
As the sun began to rise again,
And the birds song their morning song,
We realised how much time had been spent outside
And soon you would be gone.
The perfect way to spend a night,
with great company by my side.
No pressure, no technology, no phones
Just me and you at one with nature, it fills me up with pride.
And just like that you have to go,
a farewell with a gentle, tender kiss
And in my heart I truly know,
It will never ever be like this.
As quick as you’re gone,
I’m wide awake, alone in my double bed.
It felt so real, so natural, so perfect
But alas it was all in my head.
Another day spent all alone,
waiting for the recurring dream.
And when it comes it will be as good as before
Things can be as wonderful as they seem.
A dinner date, night out at the pub,
I wonder what will happen tonight,
As long as it’s the two of us.
I know it will be a perfect night.
The alarm will go again at seven,
Taking you away again out of the blue,
It’s not very often I remember my dreams.
I pray these ones come true!
I’m not a great poet
or even a great writer
but when it comes to our love
I’m an unbeatable fighter
All I want is to heal your pain
help you discover your smile again
With my strength and desire
I’d walk through walls and into a fire.
Your hurting and suffering
I wish I could do more
Be the man you can turn to
to keep the wolves from the door.
With my arms wrapped tightly around you,
in my powerful embrace
Ready to wipe away any tears
That trickle slowly down your face.
I’ve cried all my tears,
faced up to my fears.
Now it’s all about helping you
and how my love can get you through.
Friendship and love that this never dies,
I know that from when I looked into your eyes.
Your scared, hurting and afraid
I want to rescue you and come to your aid.
Together we faced and beat a lot more
standing strong alongside each other.
Your my best friend, my soul mate
There will never be another!
Let me heal you, or at least let you see
The massive changes that have happened to me,
you had my back for so long, protected me
Now I am here to return the favour, happily!
Just one little chat, when the time is right,
I will be waiting all day and all night.
Just say the words and I will be here
even to listen to things I dont want to hear.
Let me see in your eyes, that the love has gone.
I dont believe it has or will, but I could be wrong.
take all the time you need, I’m going nowhere
name a time and place I will be there!
To hold your hands and cradle your face
The thought of this is my biggest wish
Have faith in my recovery let me show you,
Im back to the man you thought was a “dish”
Until that day here alone I pray,
that your pain and suffering soon goes away.
And that you remember how good things had been
And back you come to fulfill my dream
A while back I did a little photo strip story based on a day in my life with depression, see here to remind yourself of it.
I had a few people suggest I try writing a children s book back on that post so here is my attempt at a little children’s book for you to enjoy.
This is the story of a little moose.
The moose was popular with lots of friends all happy to play with him.
Over time though his friends noticed that he was different. He was always unhappy and sad. His friends stopped playing with him and the poor moose was left all alone.
The poor little moose had to watch from the side as his friends all played without him.
This made the moose even more sad, he started to hide away from everyone so they could not see how unhappy he was.
On good days he would try really hard to make an appearance.
He would sit at the window sadly watching the world outside, wishing he could be outside again.
One day he spotted a little girl playing outside and she looked up at the sad little moose and wanted to play with him.
She tried to encourage him to come outside, that there was nothing to be afraid off. The moose was scared especially when he came across a stranger.
The stranger wanted to harm the poor little moose.
Luckily for moose the little girl came to his rescue and saved the day. She took him home and patched up his injuries.
She took great care of him checking to make sure he was OK
Everyday she made sure he had his dinner ready
and she loved sitting down with him to enjoy a nice cup of tea.
They did everything together, The girl did not mind that he was unhappy and sad at times. She tried lots of things to make him happier. She read him books…
They went on bike rides together
But best of all, what the moose loved the most was when the two best friends would just sit down together and enjoy a cuddle!
In fact because the little girl showed so much love to the moose he was even able to make a new friend
The moral of this story? If you know someone who is sad and unhappy why not try and make them happy with your friendship!
Big thanks to the camera shy (yeah right!!!) Lilybet for kindly agreeing (cried until i agreed) to have her photo taken.