“One Step Closer”

It is going to be one of those days today!

Firstly a big thank you to the people who sent me birthday messages via Facebook, Twitter and WordPress. I had over 100 messages which really took the edge of a shitty birthday!

Actually the blame lies with me because I am superficial and materialistic and expect more than people can give.

It is wrong at my age to want presents really isn’t it but that is how I roll I am afraid.

Anyway back to today and I had to rush out to put gas and electric on the meters as we were about to run out. Grudgingly I headed down to the shops got halfway down the road and had a coughing fit which resulted in me soiling myself and having to go back home and change clothes.

Yep, another day when I leave the flat and shit myself in public!

And yet soon the government will be forcing me to work or punish me!

So today I am listening to the following song on repeat and feeling shitty indeed!

 

 

 

 

“One Step Closer”

I cannot take this anymore
Saying everything I’ve said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you’ll say
You’ll find that out anyway

Just like before…

[Chorus:]
Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
I’m about to break

I find the answers aren’t so clear
Wish I could find a way to disappear
All these thoughts they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Nothing seems to go away
Over and over again

Just like before…

[Chorus]

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up
Shut up when I’m talking to you
Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up

I’m about to BREAK

[Chorus]

Everything you say to me
Takes me one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break
I need a little room to breathe
Cause I’m one step closer to the edge
And I’m about to break

Numb

It’s 22.45 and I have just got my lazy ass out of bed having spent all day laying down (sigh)

In just over an hour today will have ended and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Until then here is how I feel

I’m tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface
I don’t know what you’re expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can’t you see that you’re smothering me?
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control
?Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you

(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know I may end up failing too
But I know you were just like me
With someone disappointed in you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I’m becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be
I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
I’m tired of being what you want me to be

Lost In Music

Just come back from the Dr and he is baffled beyond words.

When he asked what the problem was he was amazed to see me remove my trousers and reveal an orange penis!

He said he had never seen anything like this before in his career and asked “what do you do with your spare time”

I explained that I sit around all day eating cheesy doritos watching pornography.

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Thought a little humour might lighten the mood! for the record my penis is not orange – just had to make that clear.

So why the “cheesy” joke? (see what I did there?)

Simple answer is because I am going through a stage of feeling no pleasure or enjoyment in ANYTHING!

All the old favourites like reading books on the mafia, watching football (s0ccer) on TV, listening to music and comfort eating bring me no feelings of joy whatsoever.

Best way to describe my feelings?

 

 

Numb just about sums it all up.

 

And lets even mention my sex drive which has gone from being through the roof to being buried beneath the surface of the earth trapped underneath an immovable object.

This is how I know things are not great!

So thank God for songpop as its the only thing I enjoy of late, yep Moose has gone and found a new game on facebook to be addicted to..ho hum ho hum

 

I will be glad when my medical with Atos is done and dusted so I can start to deal with the inevitable appeal process because the past 2 weeks have drained every positive thought out of me.

Today I even did something that has ashamed me, I can’t say what, but nothing┬ádangerous┬áto my health before you worry but its all systematic of how bad things are these days.

So lets try being positive for a change:

Negative: my gas and electric are both on emergency funds again because we have no money.

Positive: I have no food in the house that would involve using the gas oven anyway

2nd Positive: I don’t need lights in the house to feel miserable

 

Did it work? nah didnt think so.

 

Although I do have one very positive thing to look forward this on Friday and that is that one of my bestest blogging buddies has offered to attend the medical with me so I am not going through it alone. I wont reveal who in case they dont want others to know but it has touched me that they are giving up free time to help me.

I have written nothing new for my “novel” not because I dont know where the story is going or anything I just have 0 motivation to do anything.

Here is hoping that the winds of change are about to send some good luck my way because I really think it is about time I had some.