WARNING: THIS POST CONTAINS LOTS OF USE OF THE F WORD!
I genuinely do not like swearing on my blog but hey sometimes nothing works better than an old fashioned F word!
Almost like a bucket list but a lot easier to roll of the tongue, and just as helpful in terms of letting go and moving forward.
People have asked me how I have been able to deal with some of the issues over the past few months and keep going when times have been rough. How I re-evaluated myself and what I want for the here and now, let alone the future.
The problem with depression is that we spend too much time focusing on issues that are outside our control, especially if you are like me and like being able to put some closure to everything.
However the problem is that sometimes closure is not always possible but we do still have to let things go and move on with our lives.
So what can we do to give ourselves closure I hear you ask…
I give you the FUCK IT LIST…
All you need is 2 pens, 1 black or blue and one red, a piece of paper and some quiet time.
Firstly take the black or blue pen in your hand and write down the things that are bothering you, thoughts you are having about issues beyond your control. Make a nice long list of everything that is making you feel down or even indifferent.
When you have finished with everything on the list have a good read of it all.
Take the red pen in your hand and over every thing on the list that is beyond your control and that you cannot change write the words FUCK IT!
Once that has been done, take the list and rip it up into lots of tiny pieces and throw away, burn it, do anything to it that can take out some of your frustrations.
And its done, you have taken back some of the control and given yourself a little bit of closure. Leave it in the past where it belongs and start to focus on the present.
Now obviously this will not work for everyone but it helped me greatly to let go and since then I have been in a much healthier place mentally.
We can only try and if it does not help then you have my permission to look at this post and scream…
Apologies for the swearing but to be perfectly honest the “Gosh Darn It” list just did not have the same ring to it!
I have tried so hard not to write something like this but I need to get it out.. and its one of the hardest things I have written..
5 years ago tomorrow I was blessed to be waiting in the registry office for my best friend to become my wife, the happiest and most nerve-wracking day of my life and life was perfect. Seeing her walking towards me nervously biting her lip, laughing as we stuttered through the vows completely lost in each others eyes..
8 years ago today you came round to my flat and I nervously asked you to be my girlfriend
Yet tomorrow I am escaping for a week because I can’t bare the thought of sitting in the flat on my own on what should be a day of celebration. I wanted us to go to Don Pietro’s and have a nice meal together celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary, go out for a few drinks afterwards get drunk together and enjoy ourselves.
People tell me to let go, to move on as it’s over BUT I just can’t do that as easily as people think. When you love someone with every part of your being how can you just accept she doesn’t want you anymore. The days of me flicking my feelings off and on are long in the past because the feelings are too strong, the love too real.
Yet I can completely understand your position currently, why you are doing what you are doing. It’s been hard for the past few years, too fucking hard! You need the time to find yourself again and enjoy the things you missed out on having kids so young and being in relationships.
Believe me I understand, but I wish it wasn’t me left behind in an empty flat with only memories of all the good times and tears streaming down my face at night.
I can’t help being soft it’s not something I am gonna change, I am who I am and I have to learn to accept that you don’t want me, love me and need me but it’s difficult for me to do that because I know how much i want you back in my life.
It’s not about me putting any pressure onto you, you have to do what’s right for you and I do get that – doesn’t mean I like it though because the fact is that the stronger I get the more I want my family back home with me. I know this could take time, that one day things may change but I can’t live on hope, I build things up in my head when I have hope. Hope, by the way, that only I have given myself because that is how my brain works.
The door is always open but I know deep down that you will never walk through it and it’s something that I need help with to accept and deal with. You see I am objective enough to see it from your point of view….
Please don’t tell me to move on like it’s as simple as one foot in front of the other, trust me I have tried and it’s like someone has tied my laces together and I fall flat on my face. Crazy really that in the grand scheme of things 2 months is not that long, especially in your shoes, but for me its been hell – yet I am still fighting and recovering which shows me how strong I actually am to not let this sink me.
The fact remains though that I love you more each day despite you not being here, and that’s because I am so much better these days that I can see you and us for what it once was – a perfect match of love – and it saddens me that it’s gone from your point of view.
So my beautiful wife I wish you a happy anniversary and I hope you have a lovely day doing whatever it is you end up doing. What a shame it’s an anniversary spent alone for me, have a few drinks for me if you head out with the girls..
Meanwhile I will keep working on doing the hardest thing I have ever had to do and let you go because that is what you want me to do…
I try not to live my life with regrets but this is something that will always make me look back on with them, and sadness that I couldn’t grow old with you by my side.