An Insight into my head right now

No editing, No deleting just free writing letting out the contradictions and emotions….

Impulsive, reckless and not reading the signs

What consequences? It’s my life and my journey

Its about living in the present not the past or the future

One decision making a seismic change to your attitude in general

See me? I’m changing for nobody. I am who I am and what I am

I smoke too much i weigh too much i swear too much and I fuck too much but…it’s on me to change the things I want changing

Your opinions are valid to you unless i ask for them I will dance to beat of my own drum

If I want you in my life in loyal to the end. Karl Amy Ant Mary Maria Ali Debbie and my brother (and his family) no matter what im there if you need it no questions asked. We bury the evidence and never speak of it again.

I’m not broken im just never going to be the same. Improved? That’s up for debate but never again the person I once was

Missing, loving,wanting, hating, angry, disappointed

Growing, adapting, recovering, changing

If I told her that I loved you

You’d maybe think there’s something wrong
I’m not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
But those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost” (shape of heart-sting)


“Are you lost

In your lies?
Do you tell yourself “I don’t realize”?
Your crusade’s a disguise
Replace freedom with fear
You trade money for lives
I’m aware of what you’ve done
No, no more sorrow
I’ve paid for your mistakes
Your time is borrowed
Your time has come to be replaced
I see pain
I see need
I see liars and thieves
Abused power with greed
I had hope
I believed
But I’m beginning to think that I’ve been deceived
You will pay for what you’ve done (no more sorrow- linkin park)

Changes are coming, for better or for worse. I fight I struggle I smile I keep going

Defeated momentarily yet one step ahead

Those who know me see the signs, they know when to reach out.

I’m here for those who need me, yet not there for myself

And yet…..maybe just maybe….The shoots of recovery are leading me back to a version of myself I liked, flirty, fun, inappropriate, the life and soul and when the day comes i can once again look in the mirror and be happy with what i see…. I will thank you and show my gratitude in ways you didnt expect

My friends, my family, my kids never stopped believing in me, time i realised why.

Im a winner, my time is coming and I need to make sure im ready.

I’m not ready how can i be when i dont even know what i want

I wasn’t going to post this. It’s random jumbled up letters and words forming sentences in a way thats confusing for me let alone you…..

But it clears space in my head for the pieces to fall into place..eventually.

And just like that…The black dog barks a little less viciously..

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Try Something Different Today

 

 

 

I have been trying something different this weekend in my approach to my depression. It all came about when I woke up feeling down on Saturday morning, feeling negative is not a good thing for me as it stresses me out and causes my bowels to play up.

“too much information” I hear you cry! But am I seriously the only person out there with this issue caused by stress? Well I am pretty sure its stress that causes it as blood tests have found nothing wrong!

But I digress, my newest solution was to THINK POSITIVE! sounds simple doesn’t it but negativity plays a big part in depression and is one of the hardest issues to deal with.

Revisit my blog on https://thedepressedmoose.wordpress.com/2012/06/30/the-negative-thinking-challenge/ for more about this issue but what I want you to think about is the POSITIVES.

  • What are your strengths?
  • What are you best features?
  • What have you done to be proud about?
  • What do you offer to people?
  • Describe yourself using 5 POSITIVE ADJECTIVES. Start with the words “I AM” (example I AM BEAUTIFUL)

Just try it even if for a few minutes, finding positive things to say about ourselves is never easy but sometimes you can surprise yourself with what you come up with it may even help you.

It is nice to think of yourself in a positive light for a change I have been focusing on the positives of writing this blog as it has really enabled me to express myself properly, as well as the thought that I am helping people too.

Of course the problem with depression is that the concept of thinking positive is not one we are able to consider. How many times have you complained about having a bad day? compare it to how many times you have said “I’m having a good day!” or on a lesser scale “I’m having a better day”.

It is so much easier to focus on the negatives, whats going wrong in our lives always stands out more but by trying to focus on the good things you have done to fight depression you are showing strength which can be the first step to winning!

Here is a list of my recent positive thoughts that made last week my best week in years………

  • I am a good writer and people LIKE my blog
  • I am not as fat looking as I think I am
  • I am better looking than I think I am
  • I am helping people
  • I am loved

Being positive changed my down feelings at the start of the weekend into a good mood and although this wont work for everyone, it may not even work for me next time. Where is the harm in at least trying it?

The hardest part of the battle will be the “I can’t” feelings but I believe “you can”! so try it for me and see how it goes.

Carrying on from the strange songs in my head there has been a second song now going round my head.  Here are the lyrics from the first couple of verses

You can do anything that you want to do

Put your mind, body and soul to it,

Prove it to yourself and say

I want (I want), I will (I will),

I can do anything.

It’s a difficult world and you have got to prove

That you’re ready and you can do it.

Nothing in this world would stop you,

I know, I can, I will fulfill my dreams.


The tone of the lyrics dont quite  fit with the song genre as you will find here but sometimes you find inspiration in the most unusual places. Here is the video for the song by Livin Joy called Don’t Stop Moving

Until the next time!

Garry “the new mr motivator” :0)