Breakeven (Falling to pieces) – The Script

One song more than any other perfectly sums up how I feel lately..

 

“Breakeven”

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that’s gonna put her first
While I’m wide awake she’s no trouble sleeping
‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even… even… no

What am I supposed to do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
‘Cause she’s moved on while I’m still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don’t break even, even… no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces, yeah,
I’m falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks no it don’t break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I’m tryna make sense of what little remains, ooh
‘Cause you left me with no love and honour to my name.

I’m still alive but I’m barely breathing
Just prayin’ to a God that I don’t believe in
‘Cause I got time while she got freedom
‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break…
No, it don’t break
No, it don’t break even, no

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say when I’m all choked up and you’re OK?
(Oh glad you’re okay now)
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
I’m falling to pieces, yeah
(Oh I’m falling, falling)
I’m falling to pieces,
(One still in love while the other one’s leaving)
I’m falling to pieces
(‘Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don’t break even)

Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no
Oh, it don’t break even no

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Shattered But Not Broken

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Is what I am trying to convince myself….

But the truth is that if you walked around my flat you will see tiny fragments of my heart still in the carpet waiting to be pieced back together.

I am trying slowly and surely to find them all and rebuild it but some days the glue does not always hold.

Little by little all fragments and memories are being confined to the past but questions remain that haunt me, questions that I know will probably never be answered.

Some of the hardest things are the choices that were made without my thoughts, feelings and opinion.

I try so hard not to give too much out about what has happened but sometimes I feel like it would be better if I simply got it all out there and off my chest, but it would not change a thing or bring me any respite.

I simply have to accept that I am no longer considered important enough to exist, that what happened was not sufficient enough to warrant fighting for, and that I am just not worthy or the time of day. Choices that I did not make!

So hard as is it right now I have to start focusing on rebuilding Garry from the bottom up.

I did not choose to get depression, I did choose to try and protect you. I did choose wrongly in my methods of recovery and support but with the right intentions.

I did choose to honour our vows, to love you wholeheartedly and although I did not show it at all times, never did I say the words “I love you” and not mean it when I said them.

“For better, or for worse, in good health or bad” meant everything to me, to you it meant a reason to go.

Call me bitter, call me twisted, call me anything you want to justify your treatment of me over the past 4 months.

I tried, I fought, I did everything I could. I couldn’t fix it. You didn’t want it to be fixed. I don’t exist to you anymore, we don’t talk, you wont.

I have to stay focused on the repairs needed and have at last upgraded my heart from broken to shattered. It doesn’t hurt any less, It just means that I have moved on in my dealing with the issue.

Now if anyone can provide me with a way to stop the following questions from haunting me, and keeping me awake at night I really would be grateful!

how can she forget me so quickly?

how can she treat me like i don’t exist?

why am I so forgettable?

why did I suggest the break (for her benefit)?

what exactly did I do wrong?

why wont she talk to me?

Probably not the healthiest things to be asking, but I need to find answers so that I can use super glue to fix things and not a pritt stick!