Attack of the ANTs

Only way to describe the past few days would be “a right shitty spell”.

The ANTs (Automatic Negative Thoughts) have been working their hardest to break me and sadly for me I allowed them to get the best of me.

As much as I try to stay positive, every now and again I crash and burn. Usually in to a heap hidden under the duvet.

I don’t like asking for help, not because of the man issue but because the people who I consider close to me usually just fuck off and leave.

Thankfully I am not bitter, yeah right!,  and I have pushed people away recently but that had to be done for my own good.

The problem I have with ANTs is that it prevents me for being a good father, allow me to explain and you can all tell me how ridiculous I am being.

Elizabeth is only 4 years old, I only see her for a few hours a week although that has increased to 2 days a week because I miss her so much.

But

She tells me things that hurt, and I don’t always handle it very well. Here are some examples of things that she has said to me recently…

“Mummy told me she hates you”

“Mummy said she doesn’t love you”

“Mummy doesn’t want to talk to you”

“I wish mummy loved you and came home”

“I don’t love you”

“I dont want to see you”

so imagine how much that bothers me when I am already suffering from low self esteem and struggling to stay afloat at times.

I know it is not necessarily the truth but she must hear some of these things to come out with them, she couldn’t just pluck it out of thin air could she?

The problem is that when I am really down it makes it hard for me to see her because it upsets me, this then makes me feel like a shit dad because I am not spending enough time with her, which then sends me spiraling further. I didn’t see her last night because I felt so low.

Today is the first day since Saturday that I have felt “okay” which is an improvement believe me.

It helped that someone picked up the phone and called me, it really does make a difference to hear a voice as opposed to reading a message, some days I do not want to keep writing the same old shit. At times it feels like Groundhog Day with every day being the same. Whizz took time to call me and listen, it really made a difference and in my mind has helped me to feel better today.

I have said it many times before but I will repeat until people do it…

Pick up the phone and call someone. Talk to them and it will mean so much to that person. It was the first incoming call that was not my mum or Brandon’s mum in over a month!

As for Lilybet and her comments, I know I need to not focus on them and just enjoy our short time together. I cant help being a softie, I am lonely and this only increases my sadness.

But one thing she did say at the weekend which made me laugh

“Daddy you need to go out tonight and get a new girlfriend” so she picked out my outfit for the night…

The night was a disaster but thats another story for another time.

For now if anyone has any ANT killer please send it my way… oh and the ability to not be so damn miserable and alone would not be turned away either…

 

 

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Goodbye Past

I am done with focusing on the past, reliving things and memories that now no longer hold the same special feelings.

From this day on the past is being locked away in a safe and buried in the sand, possibly alongside some heads that are buried there…

Image Credit:  Google

Image Credit: Google

The present is the place that needs my urgent attention so that I can create a different future!

I have too much baggage from the past to carry with me anymore and my shoulders are weary of dragging it around.

Until today when I found the scissors that cut those ties and released me from the shackles!

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

No more regretting things that I have done, If I offended you, even unintentionally and you are holding that grudge then step aside and move into the past of my life. I don’t want to know anymore.

I don’t want to feel a sense of obligation to making things right, things happen for a reason and this is shaping my new path and new sense of direction and if that makes me unpopular then so be it.

I proved something to myself last night which has had a big impact on me today, all those negative thoughts and feelings that people have projected onto me, and I helpfully glued them on, have been lifted.

I have fucked up a lot over the years but as Bon Jovi once said ” I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man”

No more will I allow them to hold me back!

People have expectations of me, especially as I have put myself so much out there with this blog, but I cannot live up to everyone’s expectations  and more importantly I have come to realise that my own well being and expectations of myself were being neglected!

I don’t write as much these days because every day is like Groundhog day – the same things happening, the same thoughts and feelings and the same people making me feel like shit!

So what happens now in this all new improved present?

Last night I went out with Paul, an old friend from my school days who I have recently reconnected with, and I am bloody glad I have!

Then I saw a beautiful woman at the pub and spend the rest of the night talking to her. After years of feeling low in confidence and lacking self esteem the old Garry was back. Confident enough that I had something to offer someone in terms of conversation and company. Not having to focus on my issues but to sit back relax and enjoy the time spent with someone who wanted to talk to me, to get to know me and who had a real interest in what we were talking about.

Although now of course I have to sit back and wait for the phone call to come..patience is not something I do well.

But a few hurdles were easily overcome last night, I finally proved to myself that I am ready to move on from the past.

And the future, as well as the present is looking a hell of a lot more rosy than I could have imagined a while ago.

Waving goodbye to the past could be the hardest thing I have had to do, but maybe, just maybe its the best thing too!

Now I want to explore new avenues, new paths and create new memories

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google