My Return…

You may have noticed a huge lack of blogging from me these last few months, even hiding this blog from you for a while.

That is because I have been busy doing a huge amount of thinking about what 2014 holds for me both personally and blogging wise. The last 18 months of this blog has been a huge part in my recovery but what I started to notice was that people were coming to me more and more for help with issues, then once I had offered an ear/advice etc I would not hear from them again and it was starting to drain me mentally and emotionally, so I took some time out.

Now I am ready to return to doing something that I enjoy albeit with a slight twist..

I want to step back slightly from the whole depressed moose thing, although keeping the moose alive and well in the process. Moose is a nickname I have had for over 5 years so it’s a part of me that I enjoy but I want to show there is more to me than depression.

I want you to see more of Garry and the person I used to be, the fun loving guy who enjoys a good drink, some karaoke and the company of people.

some call it bad singing - I call it entertaining.

some call it bad singing – I call it entertaining.

I have made some resolutions since the turn of the year and have stuck to them, all about increasing my positive thinking and focusing on the things I do have, the people in my life and not looking at who is not around anymore, who has let me down etc and thus far it is really working!

I feel positive and excited about what this year may bring and have plenty of plans to put into action. To the point that if plan A, B or C do not come through I have X,Y and Z to move forward with.

So while the domain name stays the same I hope that as well as posts on depression there will be a lot more to interest you, more humour, more positive posts and more experiences to be shared with you all.

Garry is all about the here and now and not dwelling on the past and it is really working well for me…

 

 

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Broken Tooth, No Broken Spirit

Nine days till Christmas and I have no intention of putting up a tree this year, as Brandon will be spending the holidays at his mum’s I will be alone for most of the Christmas period, so I really don’t want to look at a tree which is meant to celebrate a time for family.

It was my choice for him to spend most of the time away as I know I will be a miserable bastard and did not want it to impact on him, as my childhood memories of Christmas heavily influence my hatred for this time of year. Better he is with his mum who does a great job with Christmas than to be here with me impersonating the grinch.

Things are good apart from the fact that I broke a tooth at the weekend eating maltesers and as someone who has not seen a dentist for about 7 years I can tell you what great news this was! However being a good boy I was on the phone to them at 8 am this morning and have an appointment for tomorrow where I can look forward to an extraction, I assume, and a lecture (wohooo, I really love those)

On top of this I really have to let some steam off and moan about people. I am really sick of people using me for when it suits them, as an example I have spoken to three suicidal people in the past month and offered them support and an ear, yet do I hear from them again? Seems the majority people are only interested in me when it suits them not when I need someone.

I am getting to the stage where I am not sure that continuing with this blog, and being readily available for people, is such a good option for me. As much as I have enjoyed helping people it pisses me off that these people then avoid me, especially at times when I have asked for help myself. I am happy to give but there are times when it is needed to reciprocated and all too often that is not forthcoming and I am (finally) learning that the only person I can really rely on is myself.

I have “friends” abusing me because I wont give them what they want and do things the way they want them and the selfishness nature of people is grinding me down, more and more I am letting people walk away from me because I just cannot be arsed with arguing and defending myself.

People tend to forget that I have issues that need working on, but the moment I have a bad time I am the bad guy.

All I ask from people is effort, and nothing less than I would put in, but for plenty of people it appears to be an unacceptable request. Give and take is all well and good when it is shared equally, all too often this is not happening.

I am in a pretty good place currently though, despite the broken tooth and I can see things so much better now in terms of how people act around me. I feel stronger than I have felt in a long time, and I am preparing myself to get through the next few weeks when I will feel particularly vulnerable and lonely. I feel able to drop people without it causing me pangs of guilt, even more so when I am not in the wrong! The days of me chasing after people because I want attention all gone, the days of me reaching out to people because I am needy and alone are gone. If people don’t want to talk to me for whatever reason that is fine with me.

I have survived because I am stronger than I give myself credit for. I am a better person than I give myself credit for and its time I gave the people who go out of their way for me more attention because it is those people who deserve it.

When I say I don’t give a fuck anymore I honestly mean it. I will not allow people to affect my mood anymore.

And for those who don’t like it – please do not let the door hit you on the way out..

And for the people I know will stand by me just remember…

keep_calm_and_love_moose_print_or_poster-rcaa925f4af0e4ba5b4ef03a9e7a73d07_wvc_8byvr_512

 

 

I Forgot…Now I Remember

So in between the worst week in memory I suddenly was hit by a thunderbolt.

Oprah Winfrey was on the Jonathan Ross show last night here in the UK and said something that hit me right between the eyes.

She told about how she was sexually abused at 14 and ended up pregnant, she lost that baby and her father told her

“You have been given a second chance, DON’T WASTE IT”

She said it was there and then that she knew that she wanted to help others using her experience.

This was the reason that I started blogging, to help other people by sharing my daily battles.

It took a kind message from someone on Facebook (you can add me here to remind me that people DO care about what I have to say and that it DOES help others.

For those regular and long-term readers you may have noticed every now and again that I have a degree in wallowing and self loathing.  It stems from years of rejection by various people and sometimes the walls we have had built for 20+ years need to be pulled down and rebuilt. Rebuilt with better materials, modernised to allow people in…

The problem I have is that I take every little rejection personal. Someone who I thought was a good friend has just dropped me like a stone which hit me hard, where I go wrong is that I forget that it is the other party that has issues and not me (all the time!)

I like to go that extra mile for people and forget to look after myself properly, although being concerned for other people is a good thing in my eyes. I need to remember to be kinder to myself, and when people do send praise my way to accept it. Dismissing praise is a bad habit and one I need to work on – so keep the praise coming, all in the name of research of course.

The point though is that this blog has had nearly 80,00 views with an average of 100 views a day. This means people look up to me, sometimes this idea blows me away that I have so much interest in little old moosey. I do have a sense of purpose, I WANT to be viewed as someone who people can look at as an example of how depression can ruin your life but still somehow we survive, even if at times the dark can be overwhelming.

I focus on what I want not what I need. What I want is often not obtainable because it is out of my control, what I need is what I allow to come to me. The world has a way of bringing things/people into your life when you least expect it. I am now working on allowing nature to take its course, or God’s plan to show rather than forcing everything.

When people are struggling yet take the time out to message me with ideas, advice, the offer of an ear it shows that I do actually have more than I admit at times. While I expect too much from people I know that this is an unrealistic approach to life, there are lots of people who message me via social media to offer warmth, sincerity or a swift boot up the backside!

I focus on those who DON’T contact me….. from this moment on that will change.

If I am so forgettable to them then surely that means they are forgettable to me right?

I need to fill my days again, the worst thing that happened to me and my recovery was having to quit the gym because it helped me so much, enhanced confidence at the weight loss but more importantly I was leaving the flat and doing things everyday.

The question again today is WHEN will I get better and no longer WHY wont I get better.

And who would’ve thought that Oprah Winfrey would be my inspiration…

One final thing, I want to extend a huge thank you to the person who donated to me today via the paypal option on the home page. It humbled me that you would be so generous and means the world to me!

Thankful for…..Friends

I have some wonderful friends, most of them I did not know before I started this blog.

Before the blog became my focus I was part of a wonderful community built around Mafia Wars on Facebook and have stayed in contact with plenty of people from the group that I created. I consider some of these people family now, not just friends. Although some of us don’t stay in regular contact they are people I know are there for me when I need them, people like Gary, Cindy, Juliana and the never forgotten Teresa have played a big part in my life over the past few years.

As for the “newbies” Gail, Mary, Antonella, Liz and Maria in particular are people I know I can tell anything to, without them judging me and they know me better than anyone else, by me I mean the real Garry.

Gail AKA Weegee was the first person to like, comment and follow my blog and can see through me in an almost scary way. A real diamond in the rough who gives advice, telling offs and encouragement in times of need.

Antonella is one of the most amazing people I have ever met, she is warm, funny, caring and more than a little crazy. She is also very very attractive but alas allergic to moose meat – a great friend though, we have the same awesome personalities because we were both born on the 29th November.

Mary is like an older sister, quick to tell me off and point out the error of my ways but done with good intentions and done with care.

Liz was one of the first people I ever spoke to about depression when I came across the elephant in the room community and I have spent many hours in her wonderful company over the last 18 months. As crazy cat ladies go she is one of the best.

And there are friends that I have known all my life. Amy and Linda were a big part of my childhood, and happy times were spent around them when I was still waiting for my antlers to grow.

Paul and Karl are people I went to school with and hadn’t spoken to since 1995 but we have reconnected via Facebook in the last year and I am glad we have, both are great guys and I am pleased to call them friends.

Sarah is Brandon’s mum and a great friend, I can talk to her about anything and she will always offer advice and tell me what I did wrong 😀

And this is just the tip of a big iceberg. I have a lot more friends than I realise. More than at any point of my adult life and although most of them are technically “online friends” that doesn’t mean that I value their friendship any less. Without the online friends my life would be a lonely place but they rally around me when I need a friendly ear or a kick up the arse!

now I am gonna go old old skool on you in tribute to my friends

 

 

He is…..I wish

He is a great guy

He is always there to listen to me

He is always available when I have a problem

He is special

He is funny

He is kind hearted, warm and sincere

He is a good friend

He is helpful, considerate and offers advice

 

and as the curtain closes and the funeral service comes to an end…..

 

I wish I had done more for him

I wish I had reached out to him

I wish I could have been there for him when he needed me

I wish I hadn’t ignored him

I wish I had spoken to him more often

I wish I hadn’t dismissed him as “needy” 

I wish I had listened to him

I wish I made time to see him

I wish he was still here

 

Don’t be that person who only realises when it’s too late!

no one in this day and age of technology can really say that they don’t have 2 minutes to send a quick text message, a quick email or private message via social media. Dare I even mention picking up the phone and calling someone…

That one single gesture can make so much difference to someone, especially someone who is always the first to reach out to others.

Be a friend to someone when they need you, not just when you need them.

Loneliness can set someone back months very very quickly, don’t assume that someone is fine because they say that is the case, I’m not just talking about people with mental health illnesses, consider the elderly relative as well.

You will be surprised at what happens when you make a little bit of effort with someone, especially if one day you find yourself in their shoes..

 

 

Goodbye Past

I am done with focusing on the past, reliving things and memories that now no longer hold the same special feelings.

From this day on the past is being locked away in a safe and buried in the sand, possibly alongside some heads that are buried there…

Image Credit:  Google

Image Credit: Google

The present is the place that needs my urgent attention so that I can create a different future!

I have too much baggage from the past to carry with me anymore and my shoulders are weary of dragging it around.

Until today when I found the scissors that cut those ties and released me from the shackles!

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

No more regretting things that I have done, If I offended you, even unintentionally and you are holding that grudge then step aside and move into the past of my life. I don’t want to know anymore.

I don’t want to feel a sense of obligation to making things right, things happen for a reason and this is shaping my new path and new sense of direction and if that makes me unpopular then so be it.

I proved something to myself last night which has had a big impact on me today, all those negative thoughts and feelings that people have projected onto me, and I helpfully glued them on, have been lifted.

I have fucked up a lot over the years but as Bon Jovi once said ” I’ve made mistakes, I’m just a man”

No more will I allow them to hold me back!

People have expectations of me, especially as I have put myself so much out there with this blog, but I cannot live up to everyone’s expectations  and more importantly I have come to realise that my own well being and expectations of myself were being neglected!

I don’t write as much these days because every day is like Groundhog day – the same things happening, the same thoughts and feelings and the same people making me feel like shit!

So what happens now in this all new improved present?

Last night I went out with Paul, an old friend from my school days who I have recently reconnected with, and I am bloody glad I have!

Then I saw a beautiful woman at the pub and spend the rest of the night talking to her. After years of feeling low in confidence and lacking self esteem the old Garry was back. Confident enough that I had something to offer someone in terms of conversation and company. Not having to focus on my issues but to sit back relax and enjoy the time spent with someone who wanted to talk to me, to get to know me and who had a real interest in what we were talking about.

Although now of course I have to sit back and wait for the phone call to come..patience is not something I do well.

But a few hurdles were easily overcome last night, I finally proved to myself that I am ready to move on from the past.

And the future, as well as the present is looking a hell of a lot more rosy than I could have imagined a while ago.

Waving goodbye to the past could be the hardest thing I have had to do, but maybe, just maybe its the best thing too!

Now I want to explore new avenues, new paths and create new memories

Image Credit: Google

Image Credit: Google

 

 

Re-Educating Myself

I am starting from scratch again lately trying to remember what it is I can offer people and the world in general having gone through a stage where my confidence was shot to pieces by the actions of others.

It has been a hard journey!

Not only did I forget about my good attributes but I also forgot the steps I had taken previously in dealing with the black dog of depression, foregoing my recovery in the name of wallowing and self pity.

Self loathing, self hatred and general lacking self esteem are tools designed to keep you sinking further into the darkness but what makes it worse is when it is brought about by outside influences that really should be kept at a distance for the sake of your own sanity.

Talk to me, ignore me, pretend I don’t exist it no longer matters to me anymore. I have a fantastic support network who can now see through my acting but, more importantly, they allow me to come out of the malaise at my own leisure without adding pressure. There is nothing better than knowing that someone is content to sit and listen to you, allowing you to let it all out safe in the knowledge that they are not judging you and are genuinely caring about you.

Some people have had so much shit from me thrown at them and stuck to me like glue, whereas others have turned their backs on me, forgetting the good and using the bad as an excuse.

Fuck them is my attitude now, focusing on those who want to walk alongside me is the biggest change I have made recently as well as reaching out again to those people I know are having issues.

I am learning new techniques I use as coping and/or defence mechanisms which are not necessarily good things and need altering. It seems that when I am on the downward slide I tend to push myself further to reach bottom quicker, the sooner I hit bottom the quicker I can work back up again seems to the method to the madness but this means I tend to go from one extreme to the other often within a matter of hours.

Back to the drawing board there I think could be worthwhile BUT it does appear to work for me at the moment, although I would imagine it drives people mad, especially my Facebook friends with the changing mood status updates 😀

For now I am seeing things very clearly, and remembering that Garry has lots of positive things, that far outweigh the negatives. I can offer lots to people if only I take that step back at times from the thoughts of being worthless and useless because it really is utter bullshit.

Self evaluation is a bitter task at times but one that really does need doing, it is vital to look at yourself and focus on what you bring to the table rather than allowing the depression to trick you into believing you are nothing but a drain on people and their lives.

What I am learning the most at the moment is that looking for answers is not the best option, I am now working on asking the right question instead of searching for answers that are not forthcoming.

It is not a case of “why?” or “how?” things have happened but more about “what can I do?”

I need to bring about changes myself rather than sitting back and waiting for it to happen naturally. By changing the questions I ask I can bring about a different direction and path for me to travel, be it alone or with someone to enjoy the roller coaster ride.

But more importantly I will be taking people with me who want to be there and that is the biggest realisation, that there are people who want to be there with me.

I’m happy now to wave goodbye to the people who no longer want me around, those who use me for their own gain when it suits them and generally every person who has let me down, because the confidence I have in myself as a person is returning. I don’t have to accept things as they are, I can do something about them and that is what I intend to do from this moment on.

People will always come and go, but the ones who stick around even after you push them away are to be treasure, others who give in and don’t want to be around you, for whatever reason, will only drain you and drag you down. Cut them out and move alone, surrounding yourself with friends is much better than surrounding yourself with people!

I am a good person, I have lots of qualities that are good but I am human and I do make mistakes from time to time, the thing with me is that I do not hide from my mistakes and try to rectify them, some people just want to focus on the errors and not the good things.

So if you feel upset by my mistakes but are not willing to accept an apology, or try to solve the problem keep walking away, don’t look back because all you will see is me heading into the distance and by then it is too late. I am no longer taking that backward glance or slowly walking in your direction.

I am confident enough in my own qualities that around the corner is someone who will appreciate me for me, and I have enough friends and support to not need people in my life who want to drag me down.

Cutting ties is not as hard for me as you may think…

Thank You

Naming and shaming those who have been there for me and pulled me through some tough times, kicked me up the arse when needed and not once judged me for having certain feelings and thoughts…

I may not always show my appreciation in the right way but I really appreciate your time spent on keeping the smile on my face, and for giving me the strength needed to keep going..

(in no particular order!)

  • Maria
  • Caro
  • Antonella
  • Sandra
  • Jenn
  • Weegee/Gail
  • David & Debbie
  • Mary
  • Amy
  • Juliana
  • Cindy
  • Paul
  • Karl
  • Gary
  • Liz
  • Linda
  • Michelle
  • Mum
  • Sarah
  • Linda
  • The Moose support group on facebook
  • Whizz
  • Debbie
  • my readers of this blog
  • my twitter family

see the thing is….. I am not alone and have a lot more friends, and good friends at that!, than I realised.

so the next time you see me moaning about being lonely, having no one and generally feeling sorry for myself rest assured I will head straight back to this post and be grateful that so many people want me to succeed and are there for me!

Thank you all for helping me, for listening, for making me smile and for pushing me gently in the right direction!

freehug

and above all for reminding me what The Depressed Moose is all about…

inspire

when you need me rest assured I will always be there for you.

Remember….

Remember when I had lots to say and was inspired to write daily?

Remember when I was an avid reader and commented regularly on blogs?

Remember when all I could talk about was how shit things were and how down I was feeling?

Remember when I was happily married and had my kids around me?

Well things change and so do people….

I have changed, back into the man I used to be, the fun loving guy who wants to be out flirting, chatting and drinking, socialising with friends and/or making new friends.

I can look back at the past few months and feel amazed that I have made it though, despite the odd blip.

Yes I still get spells of feeling down, I’m in recovery from depression and it is something that will always try and come back if I allow it to, but I have some very very good friends and a great support network of people who just wont allow me to wallow.

I am focusing on the people in my life as they are now, not on how I remember them because changes are happening to them that I do not like, in some cases. This works is my favour as it is now easier to let them sail off into the sunset.

I’m moving on, letting go and using my energy on people who want to be in my life rather than wondering why certain people behave the way they do. I have spent too much of my time bemoaning a lack of friends and support etc because it was not coming from areas where I expected it to. Not anymore my friends.

People change for better or for worse, as for this person the change in me has been a positive one, I cant wait for the next chapter in my story to begin….

to those who have supported me I am sorry I didn’t focus enough on you instead of focusing on others. Believe me when you need me just say the word and I will be there.

For the others…too late moosey is gone…..

I feel good. I feel positive. Forget remembering the past time to focus on the here and now!

Keep On Keeping On

To coin a phrase the wonderful weegee likes to throw at me now and again….

Haven’t written for a few days and feel I should update you as to whats been happening in terms of depression and life for me the past week.

I can say quite openly and confidently that I am no longer depressed – yes you read that correctly!

What I am suffering now is the loneliness of being on my own, having no kids here bar the odd day here and there I am often alone in the flat. There is a massive difference between being depressed and being sad and alone. This is how I feel at the moment. There are times when I feel low and sad but these last for a few hours as opposed to days/weeks/months and I can live with that!

I just post a few little things to get them off my chest and move on…. simples 😀

I had my final talk with the amazing Dr Dhanji on Monday before he goes to Australia (another GP sick of the red tape of the NHS and moving away). He was amazed at my progress and also proud of how far I have come despite the difficult times I have had in the past few months, which a year ago would have destroyed me mentally and sent me spiraling towards sectioning!

I told him exactly how I was feeling about being lonely, to be honest I find admitting I’m lonely harder than talking about depression.

And best of all he said that the time was right for me to stay on the reduced medication as things are going so well. I didn’t have any medication for a week following my OD and all was well, I am back taking the medication though before you panic.

 

Life is great but would be even better with someone to share the good times with, the fact that I go out on my own shows how well I am doing, but would be much more fun with someone to talk to beside Jack (Daniels)..

Here is a pic taken last week at the local pub..

Moose on a night out

Moose on a night out

 

Next Friday I head off for a holiday with Brandon and cannot wait to spend some quality time with him away from these four (freshly painted) walls , despite not having spending money (donations are still accepted LOL)

Going to stay with my twin brother and his wife and I am looking forward to it immensely the Isle of Wight here we come!

So if you see a post with negativity or melancholy undertones remember that it’s just me letting off some steam, the reality is that I will feel sad having gone from having a wife and children around to it suddenly being just me and the cats. It wont always be this way and in time things will be better, especially if I can get a grip on this issue of feeling isolated and alone.

I have some good friends, and great virtual friends who I know are a message away but please don’t always be a stranger, my door is always open to friends.

After all a stranger is a friend you have yet to meet….

Today i am off to see a therapist for the first time – gonna be interesting..

And now for some music…

 

I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real
I wanna let go of the pain I’ve felt so long
(Erase all the pain till it’s gone)
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I’m close to something real
I wanna find something I’ve wanted all along
Somewhere I belong

 

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