Hanging On…Barely

Well the black dog has returned bringing an army with it this time, black clouds, thunder, lightning and darkness not seen for a long long time.

The pretending and putting on a brave face only works for so long before the eventual breaking down comes and the longer the game of pretense the harder the fall.

So here is where I am at currently..

Stuck in the payday loan nightmare where I had to borrow to survive post xmas and now have to attempt to repay the monies borrowed – of all the shit that has come with depression the fact that I am so bad with money is the biggest and most demoralising issues for me. For the next month I will be surviving on pretty much fresh air and handouts..

The other main issue is the fact that I am so  eager desperate to reach out to someone and remind them how I feel in the hope that the feelings are going to be reciprocated, even though I am 100% sure they are not… thankfully each time the long email/essay has been written I have yet to send it (thank fuck!)

Hiding away from the outside world because I just can’t face going out again – even though I am in need of a full-blown alcohol induced night out! but I have no one to go out with let alone money to spend on it.

My IBS is playing havoc with me again, I had a great friend come visit me yesterday and sadly for him he got an insight into how bad my stomach can be on days like this – a sure sign that I am highly stressed out/ anxious

I feel like I have to just get on with pretending to be alright because people expect me to be by now!

On top of this I received a letter from Atos with the dreaded medical form enclosed so lets look back at how things have gone since my last medical.

In Sep 2012 I had a lovely woman from Atos who did my medical (and yes she has probably been fired), who gave me 18 months to get my shit together, which I was doing up until the last six months…

I have lost my closest ever friend to cancer, my marriage broke up and I still don’t know the ins and outs which causes more issues, I attempted an OD, I am STILL waiting for therapy despite being on the waiting list for nearly 2 years and the GP I had so much faith and confidence in left leaving me with two new doctors to start building a relationship with. I am yet to feel like I can fully confide in both the new GPs so when I do see them its all about smiling and pretending to be fan-fucking-tastic..

Honestly I feel more like breaking down than carrying on at the moment and the more I try to fight this shit the harder it appears to be getting.

Thank God for Maria who comes round and gives me a hug from time to time because virtual hugs do not just cut it despite the well-meaning intentions…

It has been a long time since I gave in and let the tears out but at the moment I just can’t seem able to, why I do not know but maybe I am slightly worried that once they start they wont stop. If someone would only offer me a shoulder and an ear..

I am getting to the stage where I am well and truly sick of having to type about things via social media when I would rather talk about things..

So if you ask me how I am and I say OK, don’t be upset that you know I am not being honest, just know that I need more than the virtual right now…

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Quiet Moose

You may have noticed the silence from me over the past few days, if you haven’t why not 😀

Truth be told I am having a difficult time dealing with financial issues resulting from my stupid gambling problems. When I went mental a few weeks ago I basically wiped out Sheryl’s overdraft and since then we start every week with a balance of minus £200 and benefits are getting swallowed up trying to play catch up.

As we speak today I got my benefits yesterday and have a grand total of £50 available for the next 2 weeks once all bills were covered (and by all I mean the essentials), food shopping is not an option so we are working our way through whats left in the freezer as the fridge is empty and the cupboards almost bare.

I can cope with most aspects of mental health but the stresses of poverty are dragging me under as usual especially as we approach the dreaded C word period.

I am asking for help in publicising my books to at least try and help me earn a few quid pocket money.

Sometimes I think the only thing keeping me alive is the fact that cremations cost so much money!

I am working hard emotionally to keep a brave face on things and I appreciate all the people who have gone above and beyond trying to support me, one person actually donated some money to me yesterday an unbelievable act that had me in tears at the gesture.

For once I would love to be able to not worry about money and the stresses lack of it brings, after all I am on benefits and we are meant to live the life of a king according to the media! The truth is much different though, sure my rent is paid and for that I am grateful as I have the security of a roof over my head but what about other things in life, should I really have to contemplate disconnecting the internet and my only real lifeline in terms of the outside world? yes its getting that bad!

Without internet access obviously that means no blog and this is such a passion of mine let alone the social interactions I have via Facebook and Twitter.

I am sick of reading about how easy life is for people on benefits would love to see Mps living on what money we receive especially as it is paid fortnightly so your living on fresh air for the week before and the week after you get money because bills and shopping takes it all away soon as you get it. In fact I haven’t done a proper food shop for weeks now but it’s Okay because I am on benefits and therefor extremely well off! IF ONLY

Of course it is easy for people to tell me to find a job but in case your not aware I am too ill to work!

Looking at things to sell to make money and only thing I have of value is my body! any offers?

The Dreaded C Word

No not THAT C word this one is the C word that brings stress, anxiety and financial worries.

Yep its that time of year again when we start to get bombarded with the C word – Christmas!

 

Image taken from Wikipedia’s page on Christmas Day

I despise Christmas Day, a day when we are meant to celebrate the birth of Jesus but instead it is a day where I have to watch the kids once again be disappointed by a lack of presents. Even though they try hard not to be, and for that I love them, but every year I die a little inside because I cannot give them what they really want. I would hate to be them when they go back to school in the new year and hear how much their friends have received compared to the single items we give them.

That in itself though is indicative to the problems of Christmas these days, even going back 20 years ago when I was a teenager it was unheard of for shops to display Christmas items before December let alone AUGUST as some shops do now! I went to my local supermarket the other day and the have started filling the shelves with Christmas stuff.

And so as summer turns to autumn we now start the buildup to Christmas day and soon we will be unable to escape from it.

It is not even about family anymore its all about gifts and receiving them, Sheryl and I have not exchanged gifts for Christmas for years to ensure the kids get theirs first.

Why is it now so commercial? It seems to be less and less about the religious aspect each passing year and more about how much money the shops can make from us.

It doesn’t help when you have children so desperate to brag to their friends about what they got, how much it cost etc and I defy any parent to not want to do all they can for their kids at Christmas. They have all the build up from the media and friends and to then wake up to one present can’t be nice for them, but its one more than I usually get.

It is all well and good saying “others have it worse than you” but try making a child understand that! The shops know this and manipulate it to their advantage.

Do children even know what Christmas signifies these days? We are so busy with this political correctness crap that Schools seem to be more concerned with children being taught about other religions in the name of “tolerance and understanding” that we are in danger of forgetting that we live in a Christian country.

My birthday is on November 29th and any talk of Christmas is banned in the moose household until after that day but that does not mean the kids are not already planning their wish lists and that we are not already counting every penny to be able to try and give them what they want.

It is bad enough that come December you cannot walk into a shop without hearing the same Christmas songs being played, the same Cd that is released every year – Now that what I call Christmas – if you have worked in retail you will know these songs back to front, word for word and could probably sing them backwards!

If I ever see Yoko Ono I will rabbit punch her whilst singing “war is over!”

A Christmas rant in September who would have thought but before you know it the day will be upon us, I know this thanks to people posting on Facebook that its less than 100 days away – gee thanks for that.

All in all it means the next few months will not be fruitful in terms of my recover because I can honestly say I am not a fan of Christmas day in its current commercial only celebration. I would go so far as to cancel it for a year if only I could get away with it, if it was not for those pesky kids!

Depression and Christmas does not a happy moose make and as quick as it comes I will be happier come 26th December when it is all over for another year, well another 9 months until the shops start the whole process again!